CAT PEOPLE
Cat People
David Bowie did the theme (the opening lyrics consist of "Ooh ooh ooh ooh") and the rest of the soundtrack plays kind of like if Ai no Kusabi and Bladerunner had a really 80's baby and David Bowie approved of it.
This is a terrible movie :|
I get the feeling that LKH has watched it multiple times.
Summary
Opening: *is completely nonsensical and confusing*
Men With Leopard Spots Painted On Them: *take random woman and tie her to a tree*
Some Random Woman: *possibly has sex with a giant black cat, although I'm pretty sure that is illegal*
---
Heroine: Gosh, what a weird daydream. Oh, look! I'm in an airport!
Malcolm McDowell: Y helo thar, nice to meet you, come to my house and meet Female.
Female Child: Yes, this is my real name. Pronounce Female like tamale and we'll get along fine.
(They have dinner.)
Heroine: Oh! I forgot to call my adoptive parents and let them know I arrived safely here in New Orleans and met you, my brother, who I haven't seen since our carnival parents killed themselves when I was four.
Female Child: Holy exposition, Batman!
Malcolm McDowell: Call them after dinner, I want to show you something first.
Heroine: Okay!
---
(HEROINE and MALCOLM MCDOWELL go up the stairs.)
Malcolm McDowell: Close your eyes, it's a surprise!
Heroine: ...okay!
Malcolm McDowell: SURPRISE!
Heroine: OH MY GOD IT'S A TERRIFYING CLOWN FAC-oh! Carnival stuff! From when our parents were alive!
Malcolm McDowell: Yes! Here is a picture which we will not show to the camera. Now I will juggle and say a rhyme which we will finish together to confirm the fact that we are siblings who grew up together and juggled and said really disturbing rhymes about cats dismembering small rodents.
(They do so. Then everyone goes to bed. OR DO THEY?!)
Malcolm McDowell: *leaves the house, visits a brothel, turns into a "black leopard", "mauls" a prostitute (scratches her ankle, but she does give us the first boob shot of the movie), and is then sedated by zoo officials and carted off to the zoo*
Heroine: Gee, I wonder where my brother went. He was supposed to show me around the city.
Female Child: Buy a tourist guide, they're all over the place.
--
Heroine: *goes to the zoo, sees pretty black kittycat, sketches pretty black kittycat until two hours after zoo closing*
Zoo Curator: Excuse me, miss, the zoo's close-
Heroine: *drops everything and runs up a tree*
Zoo Curator: Holy jumping jacks, Batman! What the hell, lady? I won't hurt you or anything. o_O
Heroine: Oh, okay then. *climbs down*
Zoo Curator: How did you get up there? What were you doing? Why did you run away from me? Do you want to go out on a date?
Heroine: *ignores first question* I was sketching, you scared me, and I'd love to. I don't eat meat, though, so no steak.
---
(They go to a diner and HEROINE has a Coke in a glass bottle, which amuses me deeply.)
Heroine: *looks at her oysters with some confusion* How do you eat these?
Zoo Curator: So, what are you doing here in New Orleans?
Heroine: I'm looking for a job!
Zoo Curator: Want to work at the zoo?
Heroine: Okay!
(She does.)
---
Heroine: *bonds with other zoo employees*
Zoo Employee With Awesome Hair: Hey! Let's have girl talk in this bar!
Heroine: I'm a virgin!
Zoo Employee With Awesome Hair: DETAILS, WOMAN!
---
Leopard Malcolm McDowell: *paces back and forth in the ridiculously small enclosure they have all the animals in*
Zoo Employee Who I Swear To God Is In Beverly Hills Cop: What's new pussycat? Whoa whoa. *gets hose ready to clean enclosure* Come on, kitty, you need to move so I can clean up.
Leopard Malcolm McDowell: *growls*
Heroine: *is there* He's scared.
Zoo Employee: Freakin' cat. Hey, Zoo Curator! Hand me the cattle prod.
Zoo Curator: *velcros cattle prod to Zoo Employee's arm*
Zoo Employee: *sticks entire arm into enclosure and misses completely*
Leopard Malcolm McDowell: *rips off Zoo Employee's arm*
Zoo Employee: Aw, jeez. Zoo Curator, could you please get this...whoa...blood...loss...
Zoo Curator: Somebody call an ambulance while I wiggle these tubes spurting fake blood all over the floor.
Heroine's Adorable White Shoes: *are spattered with blood*
Zoo Employee: *dies*
---
Zoo Curator: *gets a gun out of a cabinet and goes to the enclosure*
Enclosure: *is empty*
Zoo Curator: Dammit.
---
Heroine: *pulls off her blood-spattered shoes and poses angstily on the bed*
Malcolm McDowell: o, hi
Heroine: HOLY CRAP WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Malcolm McDowell: In jail.
Heroine: ...in jail?
Malcolm McDowell: I was praying.
Heroine: ...huh?
Malcolm McDowell: I thought you weren't ready but when I saw you with him I knew you were.
Heroine: ...huh?
Malcolm McDowell: You want to fuck him, don't you?
Heroine: ...huh?
Malcolm McDowell: But you can't! I can't. Except with you. You are the only one. We are the only ones for each other.
Me: You know, I think I read a fanfic like this once.
Heroine: Ooookaay, getting creepy.
Malcolm McDowell: *takes off his belt*
Heroine: I'm leaving now. o_O
Malcolm McDowell: What would you do with him? Jump through his hoops? *makes whipping motion with belt* Hold his head in your mouth?
Heroine: Heh, you said "head". But seriously. I'm leaving.
(HEROINE flees house. MALCOLM MCDOWELL takes chase.)
Heroine: *conveniently runs into a police car*
Police Officer: Are you okay, ma'am?
Heroine: *gasping in terror, eyes wide* I'm fine! Ha ha! Go about your business.
Police Officer: Okay, then. See you later.
K-9 Unit: Everything all right there, Bob?
Police Officer: Yup, Terry, everything's fine.
K-9 Unit's Dog: *goes bugfuck crazy*
K-9 Unit: ...huh.
---
(Police search house and question FEMALE CHILD and HEROINE. ZOO CURATOR and ZOO EMPLOYEE WITH AWESOME HAIR are there too. Everyone goes into the basement and sees a giant metal cage with some human remains in it. The police postulate that MALCOLM MCDOWELL is a raving lunatic and probably did some kind of nutty ritual to kill some innocent women before he fed the corpses to his leopard. ZOO CURATOR takes HEROINE home.)
---
(ZOO CURATOR and HEROINE go off to the countyside. ZOO CURATOR cheers up HEROINE by acting cute. They take a boat to THE RAPESHACK a house in the middle of a bayou in the middle of nowhere. ZOO CURATOR cheers up HEROINE by teaching her how to catch crawfish for dinner. HEROINE shows off her CUTE BUTT. Seriously creepy parallel scenes happen with ZOO CURATOR and HEROINE and a RANDOM BLONDE and MALCOLM MCDOWELL. After RANDOM BLONDE shows us the second boob shot of the movie, she gives MALCOLM MCDOWELL a blowjob, and the scene shifts to ZOO CURATOR and HEROINE having dinner in THE RAPESHACK the house in the middle of a bayou in the middle of nowhere. An animal calls in the distance.)
Heroine: Do you hear that noise?
Zoo Curator: Oh, that's just the alligators.
Heroine: *playfully skeptic* The alligators. Right.
Zoo Curator: No, really. I know how to drive them off, though. All you have to do is...make...love! *he kisses her*
(ZOO CURATOR and HEROINE make out for a bit.)
Heroine: *clearly feeling torn* I can't.
Zoo Curator: Okay.
---
(They go to seperate beds. HEROINE wakes up in the middle of the night and goes over to watch ZOO CURATOR sleep. She touches herself, then turns out the lamp and goes outside where she strips naked, giving us our third boob shot of the movie. I would like to note that all of these boobs have been real and proportioned to the women's bodies and not fake and gigantic. HEROINE hunts a rabbit with her KITTY VISION (TM). ZOO CURATOR wakes up when he hears THE RAPESHACK'S the door swinging back and forth. He turns on a light and we see a glimpse of a blood-covered HEROINE before she knocks the light over and the bulb breaks.)
---
(MALCOLM MCDOWELL is laying naked on a bathroom floor. I mistake him for HEROINE for an embarassingly long time, but then the camera moves closer and I notice he has man legs and hairy arms. He picks something off his tummy and chews on it, washes his face, and looks in the mirror, then turns to look in the hotel room where he was getting to know RANDOM BLONDE. It is trashed, the phone is off the hook, and RANDOM BLONDE'S GRISLY REMAINS have misplaced a limb or two.)
---
(The police and some zoo employees talk about the mysterious leopard mauling in the hotel.)
---
(Back outside of ZOO CURATOR'S regular house.)
Heroine: I should leave.
Zoo Curator: Don't leave! Please don't leave. You aren't going crazy and that guy probably really isn't your brother.
Heroine: Are you smoking something?
Zoo Curator: ...I ♥ you.
(They hug. MALCOLM MCDOWELL watches from the trees, which is REALLY CREEPY.)
---
(The police comb through the local Tall Grass and Trees park with some dogs. The zoo employees talk with the detective, who says they are calling off the search for the leopard.)
---
(HEROINE is reading alone in bed. MALCOLM MCDOWELL breaks into the house through a window on the second floor and kneels in front of her. This next section is an exact quote from the movie.)
Malcolm McDowell: Save me. Only you can stop this killing. You've got to make love with me...as brother and sister. I've searched for you for so long from one foster home to another. We can live together as mates. Just as our parents did. You do know that they were brother and sister, don't you?
Heroine: No.
Malcolm McDowell: Oh, yes. Make love with me and save both of us.
Heroine: No. I'm not like you.
Malcolm McDowell: Well, that's the lie that will kill your lover. At least let me spare you that horror. *flops into her bed, which nearly breaks, and pats it* Come on, come on. Come and lie next to me.
Heroine: No.
Malcolm McDowell: *puts his hands behind his head* [Zoo Curator] Oliver doesn't love you. He loves the panther. He wants you because he fears you. Let [Zoo Employee With Awesome Hair, Who I Actually Thought Was Married, But, Uh, I Guess Not] Alice have him. She thinks his fear is courage...and he thinks his fear is love. Oh, they were made for each other.
Malcolm McDowell: *stands up* So were we. *reaches out a hand* Take my hand.
Heroine: No.
Malcolm McDowell: *picks up a large piece of broken glass from the window he broke to get in to the room* Then you leave me with no choice.
Heroine and Malcolm McDowell: *rub cheeks and necks and purr at each other in a ridiculous scene that made me laugh so hard I cried*
Heroine: I'll come with you, okay? Oh, [Malcolm McDowell] Paul. We'll go together, you and I, okay? And it'll be all right. *hits him with the bit of glass she took from him, then drops it, and flees the room*
Malcolm McDowell: *cradles his injured hand, then staggers across the room, and is attacked by some very bad special effects, which turn his arm into a paw and make his eyes look stupid*
---
(ZOO CURATOR WHOSE NAME IS ACTUALLY OLIVER and ZOO EMPLOYEE WITH AWESOME HAIR WHOSE NAME IS ACTUALLY ALICE arrive at the house. ZOO CURATOR OLIVER, which sounds kind of like it's from Pokemon, calls out to HEROINE to her know he's home. There is a CRASH from her room. ZOO CURATOR OLIVER opens the door and pokes his head in. DEMENTED HALF-CAT HALF-MAN MALCOM MCDOWELL lunges for ZOO CURATOR OLIVER. DEMENTED HALF-CAT HALF-MAN MALCOLM MCDOWELL moves into a shadow and becomes LEOPARD MALCOLM MCDOWELL WITH GLOW IN THE DARK EYES. ZOO CURATOR OLIVER flings a curtain over LEOPARD MALCOLM MCDOWELL and yells for ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE to get a gun. ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE brings the gun just in time to see ZOO CURATOR OLIVER trick LEOPARD MALCOLM MCDOWELL into jumping out the window. HEROINE randomly appears and stands out in the rain, looking at the still body of LEOPARD MALCOM MCDOWELL, who must have landed on a small animal or something because there's a pool of blood underneath him and no visible injuries.)
---
(At the zoo, ZOO CURATOR OLIVER pulls a clearly sedated and breathing panther {with it's tongue lolling out in a seriously adorable manner} out of...uh...somewhere and puts it on a rolling cart, the rolls it over to an operating/necropsy table. He slices into the naughty bits of a clearly stuffed panther and saws up to the chest. He scissors through some ribs and opens the leopard up, revealing A HUMAN ARM, OMFG! Smoke hisses out of the body, making ZOO CURATOR OLIVER cough. The body is now maybe a few cups of goop spread out over the table. Way to go ZOO CURATOR OLIVER.)
---
(HEROINE visits FEMALE CHILD in prison. FEMALE notes that now that MALCOLM MCDOWELL is dead, HEROINE has no one. HEROINE asks for advice. FEMALE tells her to live in jails and love no one.)
--
(HEROINE is at the train station.)
Hilarious Parody of Meow Mix: Cat Chew! *meow* Cat Chew! *meow meow* Give that cat Cat Chew! *meow meow*
(HEROINE takes a train north to Richmond. She falls asleep and the music goes really, really 80s. She reminds the audience that she doesn't wear a bra, then walks into a hazy place slightly reminiscent of the beginning of the movie. A barefoot and shirtless MALCOLM MCDOWELL walks towards her, beckons, and proceeds to explain the beginning as they walk in a voiceover that goes with the gloriously 80s music.)
Malcolm McDowell: Long ago, our ancestors sacrificed their children to the leopards. The souls of the children grew inside the leopards until the leopards became human. We were gods then. We are an incestuous race. We can only make love with our own, otherwise we transform. And before we can become human again, we must kill.
(Scene shows tree from the beginning of the movie. Tree has a few leopards up in it.)
Malcolm McDowell: Welcome home.
(One of the leopards is panting, but it seriously looks like it's laughing at the utter cheese of this movie.)
Heroine: Mother...
Malcolm McDowell: You must return home.
---
(ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE jogs through the park in a typical female chase scene, but is not chased. Dark cat feet pad quickly through the grasses and ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE looks over her shoulder nervously, driving the AUDIENCE up the wall. She is ATTACKED! By a friendly dog, who she pets. It runs away. She jogs on into the night and is ALMOST HIT BY A TROLLEY, but then jogs up to a health club instead. She asks to use the pool real quick before they close, then starts to change in the locker room. We get our fifth boob shot. It must be really cold in the locker room. There are FOOTSTEPS OMG! And growly noises! ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE looks around, then dives topless into the pool.
The lights go out. ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE wonders if the health club is closing. The only answer is more growling! OH NOES! WHAT WILL HAPPEN?! There's a roar and ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE freaks the hell out. HEROINE, wearing a trench coat, flips on the light and casually asks ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE what's wrong. ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE expresses mild and fully justified paranoia, but HEROINE innocently says she's looking for ZOO CURATOR OLIVER and she's very sorry if she scared ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE, but of course she didn't mean to. HEROINE leaves. ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE gets her clothes, only to find her shirt is ripped to shreds.)
---
(ZOO CURATOR OLIVER is at home, developing some photos.)
Zoo Curator Oliver: Heroine, Heroine, Heroine, Demented Vicious Leopard, Heroine...*looks down to sketch of woman with leopard eyes*...
(The phone rings, but when ZOO CURATOR OLIVER goes to answer it, it's off the hook and the dial tone is droning on. He puts it back in the cradle and it rings immediately. It's ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE, telling him about her encounter with HEROINE, who ZOO CURATOR OLIVER then notices behind him. HEROINE removes her trench coat and walks towards him. ZOO CURATOR OLIVER hangs up. HEROINE walks up the stairs while removing her shirt, which is actually harder than she makes it look, and gives us the sixth boob shot of the movie. She sits naked on his bed, he sits naked on his bed. They make love.
HEROINE leaves the bed and goes into the bathroom, where she tastes some blood. Possibly hymenal blood. She returns to bed and slowly starts transforming into a cat, while ZOO CURATOR OLIVER sleeps next to her. ZOO CURATOR OLIVER wakes up stark naked in bed with a noisy leopard standing on top of him. LEOPARD HEROINE trots off and jumps out a window and out into the street. She proceeds to walk in front of two motorcycle police officers, who both fall off and make lots of o_O faces. She stalks off.
ZOO CURATOR OLIVER is sitting on a couch, looking worried. In comes ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE, who tells him there's been a leopard spotting near the bridge. Catch the pun there? Good. They drive to the bridge and find LEOPARD HEROINE surrounded by police officers. LEOPARD HEROINE sees them and jumps off the bridge. ZOO CURATOR OLIVER leaves ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE at the bridge and drives to THE RAPESHACK his bayou house.
HEROINE is standing there and tells ZOO CURATOR OLIVER to either kill her or make love to her so she can be a leopard again and live with her people. ZOO CURATOR OLIVER ties her to the bed and makes love to her.)
---
(At the zoo, ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE and ZOO CURATOR OLIVER kiss to show they are a couple now, although ZOO CURATOR OLIVER rolls his eyes afterward to show how lame he thinks this is. He walks past the large cat exhibits and stops in front of a black leopard, who growls a hello. ZOO CURATOR OLIVER looks tired. He hand feeds a bit of something to what we assume is LEOPARD HEROINE, who actually spits it out but I don't think we're supposed to notice that. ZOO CURATOR OLIVER scratches her chin and LEOPARD HEROINE makes happy big cat noises.)
---
(DAVID BOWIE sings the ending credits. There is no "No animals were harmed during the production of this film." ASPCA notice. I frown.)
AND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH THE ENTIRE MOVIE. SO YEAH. :\
No interesting special features either. *sad*
Sad thing is, my main thought about this movie was...it could make for a badass fic. Take the concept, get rid of all these ridiculous characters, make with the shiny. But nobody's even seen this much less written crossover fic for it. =(
Aa, well. Spent yesterday and this morning with fictatious and itsychick, which was super fun. itsychick's got a good account of what we did in this entry. I picked up a Naono Bohra tankoubon (Wishing our happy lucky days) and Naruto volume 9 (it has the Hyuuga chuunin exam fight, I couldn't not get it). ♥
David Bowie did the theme (the opening lyrics consist of "Ooh ooh ooh ooh") and the rest of the soundtrack plays kind of like if Ai no Kusabi and Bladerunner had a really 80's baby and David Bowie approved of it.
This is a terrible movie :|
I get the feeling that LKH has watched it multiple times.
Summary
Opening: *is completely nonsensical and confusing*
Men With Leopard Spots Painted On Them: *take random woman and tie her to a tree*
Some Random Woman: *possibly has sex with a giant black cat, although I'm pretty sure that is illegal*
---
Heroine: Gosh, what a weird daydream. Oh, look! I'm in an airport!
Malcolm McDowell: Y helo thar, nice to meet you, come to my house and meet Female.
Female Child: Yes, this is my real name. Pronounce Female like tamale and we'll get along fine.
(They have dinner.)
Heroine: Oh! I forgot to call my adoptive parents and let them know I arrived safely here in New Orleans and met you, my brother, who I haven't seen since our carnival parents killed themselves when I was four.
Female Child: Holy exposition, Batman!
Malcolm McDowell: Call them after dinner, I want to show you something first.
Heroine: Okay!
---
(HEROINE and MALCOLM MCDOWELL go up the stairs.)
Malcolm McDowell: Close your eyes, it's a surprise!
Heroine: ...okay!
Malcolm McDowell: SURPRISE!
Heroine: OH MY GOD IT'S A TERRIFYING CLOWN FAC-oh! Carnival stuff! From when our parents were alive!
Malcolm McDowell: Yes! Here is a picture which we will not show to the camera. Now I will juggle and say a rhyme which we will finish together to confirm the fact that we are siblings who grew up together and juggled and said really disturbing rhymes about cats dismembering small rodents.
(They do so. Then everyone goes to bed. OR DO THEY?!)
Malcolm McDowell: *leaves the house, visits a brothel, turns into a "black leopard", "mauls" a prostitute (scratches her ankle, but she does give us the first boob shot of the movie), and is then sedated by zoo officials and carted off to the zoo*
Heroine: Gee, I wonder where my brother went. He was supposed to show me around the city.
Female Child: Buy a tourist guide, they're all over the place.
--
Heroine: *goes to the zoo, sees pretty black kittycat, sketches pretty black kittycat until two hours after zoo closing*
Zoo Curator: Excuse me, miss, the zoo's close-
Heroine: *drops everything and runs up a tree*
Zoo Curator: Holy jumping jacks, Batman! What the hell, lady? I won't hurt you or anything. o_O
Heroine: Oh, okay then. *climbs down*
Zoo Curator: How did you get up there? What were you doing? Why did you run away from me? Do you want to go out on a date?
Heroine: *ignores first question* I was sketching, you scared me, and I'd love to. I don't eat meat, though, so no steak.
---
(They go to a diner and HEROINE has a Coke in a glass bottle, which amuses me deeply.)
Heroine: *looks at her oysters with some confusion* How do you eat these?
Zoo Curator: So, what are you doing here in New Orleans?
Heroine: I'm looking for a job!
Zoo Curator: Want to work at the zoo?
Heroine: Okay!
(She does.)
---
Heroine: *bonds with other zoo employees*
Zoo Employee With Awesome Hair: Hey! Let's have girl talk in this bar!
Heroine: I'm a virgin!
Zoo Employee With Awesome Hair: DETAILS, WOMAN!
---
Leopard Malcolm McDowell: *paces back and forth in the ridiculously small enclosure they have all the animals in*
Zoo Employee Who I Swear To God Is In Beverly Hills Cop: What's new pussycat? Whoa whoa. *gets hose ready to clean enclosure* Come on, kitty, you need to move so I can clean up.
Leopard Malcolm McDowell: *growls*
Heroine: *is there* He's scared.
Zoo Employee: Freakin' cat. Hey, Zoo Curator! Hand me the cattle prod.
Zoo Curator: *velcros cattle prod to Zoo Employee's arm*
Zoo Employee: *sticks entire arm into enclosure and misses completely*
Leopard Malcolm McDowell: *rips off Zoo Employee's arm*
Zoo Employee: Aw, jeez. Zoo Curator, could you please get this...whoa...blood...loss...
Zoo Curator: Somebody call an ambulance while I wiggle these tubes spurting fake blood all over the floor.
Heroine's Adorable White Shoes: *are spattered with blood*
Zoo Employee: *dies*
---
Zoo Curator: *gets a gun out of a cabinet and goes to the enclosure*
Enclosure: *is empty*
Zoo Curator: Dammit.
---
Heroine: *pulls off her blood-spattered shoes and poses angstily on the bed*
Malcolm McDowell: o, hi
Heroine: HOLY CRAP WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Malcolm McDowell: In jail.
Heroine: ...in jail?
Malcolm McDowell: I was praying.
Heroine: ...huh?
Malcolm McDowell: I thought you weren't ready but when I saw you with him I knew you were.
Heroine: ...huh?
Malcolm McDowell: You want to fuck him, don't you?
Heroine: ...huh?
Malcolm McDowell: But you can't! I can't. Except with you. You are the only one. We are the only ones for each other.
Me: You know, I think I read a fanfic like this once.
Heroine: Ooookaay, getting creepy.
Malcolm McDowell: *takes off his belt*
Heroine: I'm leaving now. o_O
Malcolm McDowell: What would you do with him? Jump through his hoops? *makes whipping motion with belt* Hold his head in your mouth?
Heroine: Heh, you said "head". But seriously. I'm leaving.
(HEROINE flees house. MALCOLM MCDOWELL takes chase.)
Heroine: *conveniently runs into a police car*
Police Officer: Are you okay, ma'am?
Heroine: *gasping in terror, eyes wide* I'm fine! Ha ha! Go about your business.
Police Officer: Okay, then. See you later.
K-9 Unit: Everything all right there, Bob?
Police Officer: Yup, Terry, everything's fine.
K-9 Unit's Dog: *goes bugfuck crazy*
K-9 Unit: ...huh.
---
(Police search house and question FEMALE CHILD and HEROINE. ZOO CURATOR and ZOO EMPLOYEE WITH AWESOME HAIR are there too. Everyone goes into the basement and sees a giant metal cage with some human remains in it. The police postulate that MALCOLM MCDOWELL is a raving lunatic and probably did some kind of nutty ritual to kill some innocent women before he fed the corpses to his leopard. ZOO CURATOR takes HEROINE home.)
---
(ZOO CURATOR and HEROINE go off to the countyside. ZOO CURATOR cheers up HEROINE by acting cute. They take a boat to THE RAPESHACK a house in the middle of a bayou in the middle of nowhere. ZOO CURATOR cheers up HEROINE by teaching her how to catch crawfish for dinner. HEROINE shows off her CUTE BUTT. Seriously creepy parallel scenes happen with ZOO CURATOR and HEROINE and a RANDOM BLONDE and MALCOLM MCDOWELL. After RANDOM BLONDE shows us the second boob shot of the movie, she gives MALCOLM MCDOWELL a blowjob, and the scene shifts to ZOO CURATOR and HEROINE having dinner in THE RAPESHACK the house in the middle of a bayou in the middle of nowhere. An animal calls in the distance.)
Heroine: Do you hear that noise?
Zoo Curator: Oh, that's just the alligators.
Heroine: *playfully skeptic* The alligators. Right.
Zoo Curator: No, really. I know how to drive them off, though. All you have to do is...make...love! *he kisses her*
(ZOO CURATOR and HEROINE make out for a bit.)
Heroine: *clearly feeling torn* I can't.
Zoo Curator: Okay.
---
(They go to seperate beds. HEROINE wakes up in the middle of the night and goes over to watch ZOO CURATOR sleep. She touches herself, then turns out the lamp and goes outside where she strips naked, giving us our third boob shot of the movie. I would like to note that all of these boobs have been real and proportioned to the women's bodies and not fake and gigantic. HEROINE hunts a rabbit with her KITTY VISION (TM). ZOO CURATOR wakes up when he hears THE RAPESHACK'S the door swinging back and forth. He turns on a light and we see a glimpse of a blood-covered HEROINE before she knocks the light over and the bulb breaks.)
---
(MALCOLM MCDOWELL is laying naked on a bathroom floor. I mistake him for HEROINE for an embarassingly long time, but then the camera moves closer and I notice he has man legs and hairy arms. He picks something off his tummy and chews on it, washes his face, and looks in the mirror, then turns to look in the hotel room where he was getting to know RANDOM BLONDE. It is trashed, the phone is off the hook, and RANDOM BLONDE'S GRISLY REMAINS have misplaced a limb or two.)
---
(The police and some zoo employees talk about the mysterious leopard mauling in the hotel.)
---
(Back outside of ZOO CURATOR'S regular house.)
Heroine: I should leave.
Zoo Curator: Don't leave! Please don't leave. You aren't going crazy and that guy probably really isn't your brother.
Heroine: Are you smoking something?
Zoo Curator: ...I ♥ you.
(They hug. MALCOLM MCDOWELL watches from the trees, which is REALLY CREEPY.)
---
(The police comb through the local Tall Grass and Trees park with some dogs. The zoo employees talk with the detective, who says they are calling off the search for the leopard.)
---
(HEROINE is reading alone in bed. MALCOLM MCDOWELL breaks into the house through a window on the second floor and kneels in front of her. This next section is an exact quote from the movie.)
Malcolm McDowell: Save me. Only you can stop this killing. You've got to make love with me...as brother and sister. I've searched for you for so long from one foster home to another. We can live together as mates. Just as our parents did. You do know that they were brother and sister, don't you?
Heroine: No.
Malcolm McDowell: Oh, yes. Make love with me and save both of us.
Heroine: No. I'm not like you.
Malcolm McDowell: Well, that's the lie that will kill your lover. At least let me spare you that horror. *flops into her bed, which nearly breaks, and pats it* Come on, come on. Come and lie next to me.
Heroine: No.
Malcolm McDowell: *puts his hands behind his head* [Zoo Curator] Oliver doesn't love you. He loves the panther. He wants you because he fears you. Let [Zoo Employee With Awesome Hair, Who I Actually Thought Was Married, But, Uh, I Guess Not] Alice have him. She thinks his fear is courage...and he thinks his fear is love. Oh, they were made for each other.
Malcolm McDowell: *stands up* So were we. *reaches out a hand* Take my hand.
Heroine: No.
Malcolm McDowell: *picks up a large piece of broken glass from the window he broke to get in to the room* Then you leave me with no choice.
Heroine and Malcolm McDowell: *rub cheeks and necks and purr at each other in a ridiculous scene that made me laugh so hard I cried*
Heroine: I'll come with you, okay? Oh, [Malcolm McDowell] Paul. We'll go together, you and I, okay? And it'll be all right. *hits him with the bit of glass she took from him, then drops it, and flees the room*
Malcolm McDowell: *cradles his injured hand, then staggers across the room, and is attacked by some very bad special effects, which turn his arm into a paw and make his eyes look stupid*
---
(ZOO CURATOR WHOSE NAME IS ACTUALLY OLIVER and ZOO EMPLOYEE WITH AWESOME HAIR WHOSE NAME IS ACTUALLY ALICE arrive at the house. ZOO CURATOR OLIVER, which sounds kind of like it's from Pokemon, calls out to HEROINE to her know he's home. There is a CRASH from her room. ZOO CURATOR OLIVER opens the door and pokes his head in. DEMENTED HALF-CAT HALF-MAN MALCOM MCDOWELL lunges for ZOO CURATOR OLIVER. DEMENTED HALF-CAT HALF-MAN MALCOLM MCDOWELL moves into a shadow and becomes LEOPARD MALCOLM MCDOWELL WITH GLOW IN THE DARK EYES. ZOO CURATOR OLIVER flings a curtain over LEOPARD MALCOLM MCDOWELL and yells for ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE to get a gun. ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE brings the gun just in time to see ZOO CURATOR OLIVER trick LEOPARD MALCOLM MCDOWELL into jumping out the window. HEROINE randomly appears and stands out in the rain, looking at the still body of LEOPARD MALCOM MCDOWELL, who must have landed on a small animal or something because there's a pool of blood underneath him and no visible injuries.)
---
(At the zoo, ZOO CURATOR OLIVER pulls a clearly sedated and breathing panther {with it's tongue lolling out in a seriously adorable manner} out of...uh...somewhere and puts it on a rolling cart, the rolls it over to an operating/necropsy table. He slices into the naughty bits of a clearly stuffed panther and saws up to the chest. He scissors through some ribs and opens the leopard up, revealing A HUMAN ARM, OMFG! Smoke hisses out of the body, making ZOO CURATOR OLIVER cough. The body is now maybe a few cups of goop spread out over the table. Way to go ZOO CURATOR OLIVER.)
---
(HEROINE visits FEMALE CHILD in prison. FEMALE notes that now that MALCOLM MCDOWELL is dead, HEROINE has no one. HEROINE asks for advice. FEMALE tells her to live in jails and love no one.)
--
(HEROINE is at the train station.)
Hilarious Parody of Meow Mix: Cat Chew! *meow* Cat Chew! *meow meow* Give that cat Cat Chew! *meow meow*
(HEROINE takes a train north to Richmond. She falls asleep and the music goes really, really 80s. She reminds the audience that she doesn't wear a bra, then walks into a hazy place slightly reminiscent of the beginning of the movie. A barefoot and shirtless MALCOLM MCDOWELL walks towards her, beckons, and proceeds to explain the beginning as they walk in a voiceover that goes with the gloriously 80s music.)
Malcolm McDowell: Long ago, our ancestors sacrificed their children to the leopards. The souls of the children grew inside the leopards until the leopards became human. We were gods then. We are an incestuous race. We can only make love with our own, otherwise we transform. And before we can become human again, we must kill.
(Scene shows tree from the beginning of the movie. Tree has a few leopards up in it.)
Malcolm McDowell: Welcome home.
(One of the leopards is panting, but it seriously looks like it's laughing at the utter cheese of this movie.)
Heroine: Mother...
Malcolm McDowell: You must return home.
---
(ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE jogs through the park in a typical female chase scene, but is not chased. Dark cat feet pad quickly through the grasses and ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE looks over her shoulder nervously, driving the AUDIENCE up the wall. She is ATTACKED! By a friendly dog, who she pets. It runs away. She jogs on into the night and is ALMOST HIT BY A TROLLEY, but then jogs up to a health club instead. She asks to use the pool real quick before they close, then starts to change in the locker room. We get our fifth boob shot. It must be really cold in the locker room. There are FOOTSTEPS OMG! And growly noises! ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE looks around, then dives topless into the pool.
The lights go out. ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE wonders if the health club is closing. The only answer is more growling! OH NOES! WHAT WILL HAPPEN?! There's a roar and ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE freaks the hell out. HEROINE, wearing a trench coat, flips on the light and casually asks ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE what's wrong. ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE expresses mild and fully justified paranoia, but HEROINE innocently says she's looking for ZOO CURATOR OLIVER and she's very sorry if she scared ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE, but of course she didn't mean to. HEROINE leaves. ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE gets her clothes, only to find her shirt is ripped to shreds.)
---
(ZOO CURATOR OLIVER is at home, developing some photos.)
Zoo Curator Oliver: Heroine, Heroine, Heroine, Demented Vicious Leopard, Heroine...*looks down to sketch of woman with leopard eyes*...
(The phone rings, but when ZOO CURATOR OLIVER goes to answer it, it's off the hook and the dial tone is droning on. He puts it back in the cradle and it rings immediately. It's ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE, telling him about her encounter with HEROINE, who ZOO CURATOR OLIVER then notices behind him. HEROINE removes her trench coat and walks towards him. ZOO CURATOR OLIVER hangs up. HEROINE walks up the stairs while removing her shirt, which is actually harder than she makes it look, and gives us the sixth boob shot of the movie. She sits naked on his bed, he sits naked on his bed. They make love.
HEROINE leaves the bed and goes into the bathroom, where she tastes some blood. Possibly hymenal blood. She returns to bed and slowly starts transforming into a cat, while ZOO CURATOR OLIVER sleeps next to her. ZOO CURATOR OLIVER wakes up stark naked in bed with a noisy leopard standing on top of him. LEOPARD HEROINE trots off and jumps out a window and out into the street. She proceeds to walk in front of two motorcycle police officers, who both fall off and make lots of o_O faces. She stalks off.
ZOO CURATOR OLIVER is sitting on a couch, looking worried. In comes ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE, who tells him there's been a leopard spotting near the bridge. Catch the pun there? Good. They drive to the bridge and find LEOPARD HEROINE surrounded by police officers. LEOPARD HEROINE sees them and jumps off the bridge. ZOO CURATOR OLIVER leaves ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE at the bridge and drives to THE RAPESHACK his bayou house.
HEROINE is standing there and tells ZOO CURATOR OLIVER to either kill her or make love to her so she can be a leopard again and live with her people. ZOO CURATOR OLIVER ties her to the bed and makes love to her.)
---
(At the zoo, ZOO EMPLOYEE ALICE and ZOO CURATOR OLIVER kiss to show they are a couple now, although ZOO CURATOR OLIVER rolls his eyes afterward to show how lame he thinks this is. He walks past the large cat exhibits and stops in front of a black leopard, who growls a hello. ZOO CURATOR OLIVER looks tired. He hand feeds a bit of something to what we assume is LEOPARD HEROINE, who actually spits it out but I don't think we're supposed to notice that. ZOO CURATOR OLIVER scratches her chin and LEOPARD HEROINE makes happy big cat noises.)
---
(DAVID BOWIE sings the ending credits. There is no "No animals were harmed during the production of this film." ASPCA notice. I frown.)
AND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH THE ENTIRE MOVIE. SO YEAH. :\
No interesting special features either. *sad*
Sad thing is, my main thought about this movie was...it could make for a badass fic. Take the concept, get rid of all these ridiculous characters, make with the shiny. But nobody's even seen this much less written crossover fic for it. =(
Aa, well. Spent yesterday and this morning with fictatious and itsychick, which was super fun. itsychick's got a good account of what we did in this entry. I picked up a Naono Bohra tankoubon (Wishing our happy lucky days) and Naruto volume 9 (it has the Hyuuga chuunin exam fight, I couldn't not get it). ♥