Chapter 8 - Get Yourself a Good Sharp Stake and Drive it Right Through His Heart
Story Title: For the Love of Bella
Chapter: 8 - Get Yourself a Good Sharp Stake and Drive it Right Through His Heart
Genre: Twilight - Supernatural/Romance
Rating: M
Details: AU, OOC, Cannon Pairings
Summary: "Author Isabella Swan likes to write about the unattainable, Vampire romance. If you can't have it you write about it, right? After years of being alone can a handsome human man show her that truth is better than fiction?"
Chapter Note: She left? WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE LEFT? Is she going to turn around and just run back into his arms - of course, right?
A/N: First and foremost, we want to thank everyone who is reading FTLOB...we currently have 3,131 hits to our story on fanfiction and a ton of you have FTLOB listed as either a favorite or on story or author alert ...every time we see those numbers it makes us so happy, so big thanks and hugs to you all.
Disclaimer: Nicky and I do not own Twilight or any of its characters, we just like to play with them!
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"Loneliness pours over you
Emptiness can pull you through
Did you go to sleep with the light on?
I can't wait for this feeling to free me”
~Lou Gramm - Lost in the Shadows
-:BPOV:-
Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!! I can’t believe I was so stupid!!!
“Where to?” The taxi cab driver asked as I sat down in the back seat.
“Chicago O’Hare Airport, American Airlines terminal,” I turned to look back at the doors of the hotel knowing full well that Edward wasn’t following me. I’d hurt him. I had flirted recklessly with him because I was selfish. I wanted him; I was in love with him. I had no doubts that he had feelings for me. I had shown him I was interested and then pulled the rug out from under him and I hate myself for it. I should have known better than to get involved with a human! It went against all my better judgment, but I wanted this so badly. I wanted to believe everything Alice had told me and that a relationship with Edward was possible. In the end, I was still a monster and he was still this gloriously beautiful human man that deserved so much more than the life I could give him. If he ever discovered what a wretched monstrosity I was, he would shun me anyway. But none of that mattered now. I had walked away after he had asked me to stay with him. I left him standing there with his heart in his hands and I knew there was no going back. It was really better this way even though it felt like someone was carving my heart out of my chest with a dull knife.
I felt my cell phone going crazy in my pocket again. It had been going off ever since I walked out of the hotel room. I didn’t have to look at it to know who it was, I knew it was Alice. I had no doubt that she had seen everything. I pulled the phone out of my pocket and while I was looking out the window, I quietly crushed the small device into tiny pieces in my hand. I rolled down the window and threw the pieces out. The cab driver gave me a strange look through the rearview mirror as I rolled my window back up but I didn’t care. My heart was breaking. I felt the deep sobs trying to erupt from my chest as I concentrated on trying not to lose it. As vampires, it was impossible for us to cry human tears although our bodies still went through the motions of crying. I had heard rumors that freshly fed vampires could produce blood tears when they cried but I had never seen it or experienced it.
I took a deep breath and held it for as long as I could without feeling uncomfortable as I tried to keep the walls of my chest from constricting. Everything was so fucked up! The one thing that I could do now for Edward, which is what I should have done in the beginning, was to stay away from him. I should have let him go on with his human life and I had no right to interfere in it. He hadn’t known me long enough to become attached so it would be easy for him to forget me. For me, it would be a different story, and even if I had to become my character Maria and lock myself away for the next eighty years, I would do it to save him from myself. I had made a disaster out of everything! I had learned nothing from this whole experience other than ignorance was bliss and now that I knew what love felt like, I had an eternity to feel the heartbreak of losing Edward. Not only had I lost the only man I had ever loved, I had also run the risk of exposing what I truly was. I had come so close to killing those guys last night but I wasn’t sorry. I hoped the one who had hurt Edward would never forget that night. I was sure that his arm would never heal properly and the demon inside of me was pleased knowing that fucker would always have a reminder of our encounter. I would have done more damage if Edward were not lying beneath me hurt. All I could think of was getting him out of the situation and out of danger. If only I would have called 911, I would have been worried about him but at least I would still be with him. Just more proof that I had no business being in this relationship, I just did everything wrong.
I didn’t realize that we had arrived at the airport until I felt the car come to a halt. I paid the driver and retrieved my bag from the trunk of the car. After checking my bags at the ticket counter, I went through security and wandered through the airport to my gate. I passed several coffee vendors but I refused to stop, holding my breath every time a passed one. I knew it would only make matters worse and cause my heart to break even more than it already was. I sat at the gate with a few hours to kill before my flight. I was oblivious to everyone and everything going on around me. I had no desire to do anything but wallow in myself pity. I didn’t bother with distractions like my music or writing. I didn’t want to. I allowed myself to be completely consumed in the quiet recesses of my mind, completely pulling into myself. There was nothing that was ever going to change what I was and I needed to learn to accept that. I had spent the last twenty years holding on to my humanity, but I just had to face the fact that I was no longer human. Had I fully embraced my disgusting nature, I wouldn’t be in this predicament now.
Carlisle had fallen in love with a human, Esme, but he did nothing to act on it until after she was pronounced dead. Carlisle found her in the morgue with a faint heartbeat so he took her and changed her. He didn’t try to steal her life and he didn’t try to become involved with her other than to treat her medically. Same thing with Rosalie and Emmett, she didn’t take his life until he was almost dead. I was the only halfwit that would go after a human.
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
I was still lost in my own self loathing when a little girl about the age of four accidentally ran into my legs. The little girl turned to me to say she was sorry and all I saw were her big green eyes. They reminded me of Edward's. Edward. I felt my chest constrict again as the little girl ran back to her mother. I held my breath for a moment trying to keep in the sobs when I heard the announcement for boarding. I pulled myself from my chair and headed towards the tarmac.
The flight was uneventful and I was sure the person beside me must have thought I was on drugs. I just sat in my seat and stared expressionless at the seat in front of me. I didn’t move, I didn't blink, and I didn’t care. All I could see were images of Edward. His gorgeous green eyes, the straight edge of his jaw line, the faint appearance of a cleft in his chin, and his smile. I felt the edges of my lips curl up as I thought of Edward’s smile, all warm and infectious. I loved his smile, especially his dimples. Even though they were small and only appeared over the edges of his lips when he smiled, I loved then just the same. When he would explain things, he would sometimes raise his eyebrows causing three very distinct lines to form across his forehead and one small one just between his brows. It was absolutely adorable when he was nervous because his hand would always run through his hair. It was always the left hand, never the right. At first, his hand would run through the top of his head with his fingers bent and spread slightly apart as he raked them through his hair and then through the back on the left side. His eyes were very animated when he spoke and I loved watching their intensity when he was telling a story. When he was thinking, he would slightly suck in the skin just below his bottom lip. It was very subtle and I doubt that anyone else would have ever noticed. There was also this cute little freckle of a mole right at his hair line on the right side of neck…Stop it!
I let out a long breath as I tried to shake the memories of him. It was as if I were trying to come off of a drug addiction. I just couldn’t let go, as if I were jonesing for another fix! I took in a breath and smelt the coffee being served. I was in my own private hell with no hopes of escaping. I was going to lose my mind before I ever set foot off of this plane! Maybe I should write him a letter. I was feeling guilty for leaving the way I did. I knew he wouldn’t understand and I needed to at least give him some form of an explanation. Leaving things unsaid may make him bitter, and I just can't stand the thought of him thinking badly of me.
I reached down and pulled my purse into my lap. The service cart stopped next to our aisle and the smell of coffee was strong all around me. I let out a heavy sigh as I opened my purse to pull out my notebook. It wasn’t there! I sat back in my seat for a moment as I tried to remember when I last had it. In my rush to leave the hotel, I had forgotten to grab the notebook off the nightstand. Edward had been standing between me and the bed and even though I was trying to leave, I was also trying hard to fight my instincts to hold him and never let go, to kiss him madly. I would have loved nothing more than to have ripped his clothes from his tall body, pushed him back on the bed and had my way with him. I instantly remembered him sleeping peacefully at Tyler and Maggie’s half naked, his bare chest beckoning to me from just a few feet away. How I longed to run my hands down his body, to lightly graze my fingertips over his hardened nipples giving them a playful pinch. I felt a dull ache of arousal beginning to burn between my legs at the thought of exploring Edward’s body with my hands and tongue. My hands flew up to my temples as I shook my head. Get a grip on yourself Bella, this is not helping!
My mind was still burning with images of Edward, real and fantasized. I could still hear him pleading with me to stay. I could see the want and need in his eyes and then the disparity when he realized that I wasn’t going to remain with him. I felt a sharp pain in my chest again as I thought of the hurt I caused him. I was a vile atrocious creature who did not deserve to be with Edward, however the more miles that separated us, the harder it became to keep believing that. I knew that I had left my heart with him in Chicago because there was only a gaping hole left in my chest where my heart used to be. I wrapped my arms around myself to hold the pieces together. This was just day one of my life without Edward and thinking about any more than that made my chest constrict as I tried to fight the sobs again. It almost felt like I was drowning. I hugged my chest tighter as I began to rock back and forth in my seat.
I managed to maintain myself for the rest of the flight. Time had slipped away from me again but for the first time in ages, I just didn’t care. I let it swallow me whole and did nothing to stop it. As we landed in Seattle, the only thing I was dreading now was seeing Alice. I knew that she would work hard to cheer me up but that just wasn’t what I needed right now. I just wanted to be alone. If I could just fade away until the pain stopped, I might actually survive this heartache.
Once I got off the plane, I blindly followed the crowd of people toward the baggage claim area. I wasn’t watching where I was going, just mindlessly walking knowing that I would end up in the baggage claim area eventually. I stepped on the escalator that took me down to the baggage claim area and as I neared the bottom, a familiar scent momentarily snapped me out of my stupor. It was the smell of another vampire that I recognized. I looked up through the crowd and saw the most wonderful sight for sore eyes. It was Emmett, standing there with his arms folded and a huge grin on his face. I jumped off the escalator and within two bounds I jumped up into his arms and hugged him fiercely. As soon as he caught me, I felt my chest constricting and I did nothing to stop the sobs that erupted from my chest.
“I know baby girl,” Emmett said as he held me tight and soothed my hair. I couldn’t say anything as I continued to let the emotions pour out of me. We didn’t move for a while. He just held me in the middle of the baggage claim area in the Seattle airport and let me get it all out. I was sure we were getting strange looks from the people passing by us but I didn’t care.
“I was happy,” I quietly sobbed as I buried my head in his chest.
“And you will be happy again,” he said.
“No, I won’t,” I corrected him as I slowly shook my head. “I left him.”
“He’ll forgive you,” Emmett whispered in my hair as he squeezed me tighter trying to reassure me.
“It doesn’t matter,” I paused taking in a ragged breath, “it’s too dangerous for him.”
“Shit,” Emmett chuckled under his breath. I pulled away from him feeling a little confused. “Bella, you don’t give yourself enough credit.”
“But you don’t understand. He deserves much better than what I am.”
“I don’t ever want to hear you say that again Isabella! Do you understand me?” I knew I had aggravated him.
I nodded as I let him go. “I love you Emmett,” I said as I patted his chest and took his hand. “Let’s go home.”
A big grin lit up his face as he winked at me, “Nope, we’re going hunting first.” He bumped his shoulder into mine, “And I love you too baby girl.”
Emmett went and grabbed my suitcase off the conveyor belt before we headed out to his Jeep. “What made you come pick me up?” I asked as he threw my bag in the back seat.
“Well, number one, I missed you; it's weird when you are not around. And number two, Alice said that you needed me.” We started to pull out of the parking spot when he suddenly stopped, “Oh, and she said you would need this,” Emmett pulled a notebook and an envelope from the back seat. I smiled and suddenly I couldn’t be mad at Alice anymore. I really wasn’t mad at her to begin with because I knew she meant well and she only wanted me to be happy. I was really angrier with myself for being so careless.
As Emmett drove, I thought of what to say as I tapped my pen against the blank notebook. I made several attempts but nothing sounded good enough. I finally decided that there would be no easy way to get this out. Straight forward and honest would be the best way to handle this. I glanced up at Emmett who looked back at me with concern in his eyes. I gave him a faint smile and with a heavy sigh, I turned back to my notebook as I began to write:
Dear Edward,
I know I owe you an explanation but I really don’t have much of one to give. Believe me when I tell you that I wish with all of my heart that the circumstances were different. Unfortunately, my life is what it is and there is nothing either of us can do to change it. Please forgive me and know that I never meant to hurt you. I wish you the best and I will never forget you. Your kiss will always be on my lips.
Love always,
Bella
I tore the page from the notebook and sealed it up in the envelope. I wrote Edward’s name on the outside and looked up at Emmett, “We have a stop to make on the way home.” He nodded in understanding.
“You wanna talk about it,” he asked as he exited off the interstate onto Highway 530.
“I love him, what else is there to talk about” I shrugged my shoulders, not looking at him.
“Yeah…sometimes you just know,” I nodded at his response. “I know Rose and I have a wild relationship but I know there isn’t anyone else out there for me. I know you two don’t get along but I do love her and I think everything about her is fantastic, even when she annoys the shit out of me.”
“I know you do and I know she loves you too,” I smiled as I patted him on the leg. Emmett loved wrestling grizzly bears so it made sense that he would love a strong woman. They were perfect for each other.
“I’m starving!” Emmett exclaimed as he parked the Jeep just outside of Mt. Baker National Forest. “You’re looking a few hours past rigor yourself little sis.” He smiled as he poked me with his finger.
“Bite me you meat popsicle!” I punched him in the shoulder and jumped out of the jeep. I took off running into the forest knowing Emmett was close behind me.
It felt good to be outside and running. I had been cooped up for too long. We eventually neared a lake where a herd of elk were resting. We overtook them and had a few drained before the rest of the herd became alerted to our presence. We tossed the carcasses off into the forest and continued our hunt. I knew Emmett was looking for a Black Bear so we separated for a little while. Bear was not my forte.
It didn’t take me long to track down a deer. By the time I had drained it I was too full. I should have just stopped with the elk but I wanted to feel something else besides the emptiness that now consumed me. I stood there for some time staring at the dead deer thinking about how I had taken its life. It had whimpered and struggled under my grip fighting until it had taken its last breath. I thought about Edward and how one slip and I could have ended his life too. I shook my head trying to empty it of those thoughts. I loved Edward too much to make that mistake. I knew I would love him forever and my life would never be the same. A new wave of painful emotions crashed over me as I realized I would never see Edward again. How do I live with thoughts of what could have been? I fell to my knees as the precipice in my chest began to crack open once more. I felt the constriction of the sobbing begin again as I thought about never feeling the comfort of his arm around me or his warm hand in mine. I would never feel his kiss or hear him tell me that he loved me. I let go of all the control I had been holding onto all day. I let the pain come as the lamenting reached the very depths of my being. I squeezed my arms around myself trying to hold the pieces together and contain the pain in my chest. My body was trembling as I fell slowly to the ground, my sobs now audible in the woods as every other animal had fled from me, and I felt a trail of warm thick liquid trail down my cheeks. I was stunned! I reached a shaky hand up to wipe my face and found blood on my hands.
“Bella?” I jerked my head up to see Emmett standing there practically shirtless. He had a startled look on his face as he crouched down next to me. “What happened?” he asked as he wiped more blood from my face.
“I…I think I’m crying,” I shuddered.
“Come on,” Emmett scooped me up in his arms and ran with me all the way back to the jeep. He set me down in the passenger seat and told me to wait as he took off. He returned with his dampened shirt in his hand and proceeded to clean up my face. I think I was still in shock up until Emmett tried to take my shirt off. He had already gotten a new one for me out of my bag and had it slung over his shoulder as he tried to unbutton the one I had on.
“What the hell are you doing?” I yelled smacking his hands away as I snapped out of my haze.
“I’m trying to change your shirt,” he said as he stepped away from my flailing arms. He began waving the clean shirt like a white flag as he covered his eyes. “Chill out.”
I snatched the shirt from his hand exasperated, “Turn around and no peeking.”
“Bella, you are being ridiculous,” he said as he turned around. I quickly looked around the empty parking lot and changed my shirt.
“OK, done,” I said as I pitched the bloodied shirt in the back seat. Emmett walked around to the other side of the jeep and pulled a clean t-shirt out of a gym bag behind his seat. I started to feel bad about snapping at him. I knew he was just trying to help me. Once he was situated in the driver’s seat I turned to him to apologize, “I’m sorry Emmett. You just caught me off guard.”
“No, I’m sorry. I should have let you dress yourself. I wasn’t thinking. I was just worried about you. I’ve never seen blood coming out of anyone’s eyes before. It kind of freaked me out.” I explained to him about the rumors I had heard regarding the blood tears. It seemed to ease his mind.
“I take it you got that bear?” a big grin lit up his whole face as he told me in detail about his fight with the bear. I loved to see Emmett excited. He was just like a big kid at Christmas. Bears were his favorite kill because that is what killed him as a human. That’s how Rosalie found him, nearly dead from being mauled by a bear. She ran over one hundred miles carrying Emmett to Carlisle, begging Carlisle to save him. That was the one thing, the only thing, about Rosalie that I admired. I didn’t know anything else about her other than she had saved Emmett from death.
After Emmett was finished with his story, I reminded him about the stop I needed to make. I didn’t want to do it but it was necessary. Edward deserved some form of closure. For me, there would never be closure. He would always be in my heart. I took the envelope out of my purse and tapped it aimlessly on my leg as Emmett pulled off the interstate and headed toward the coffee shop. I knew Edward wouldn’t be there but I still felt nervous. The coffee shop was a big part of his life. It was almost two weeks ago that I had been caught up in my reverie of working in that coffee shop with Edward. I closed my eyes and I could still see him running around the coffee shop with his white apron tied around his waist.
I felt the jeep stop and my eyes popped open. “We’re here baby girl. Do you want me to come with you?” Emmett asked as he shut the jeep off.
“No, I’ll be fine,” I started to get out of the jeep when I turned and kissed him on the cheek. “Thanks for everything today,” I said as I smiled at him. Emmett just gave me his huge grin that I loved and I climbed out of the jeep with Edward’s letter in my hand.
I was almost to the front doors of the coffee shop when the hand written sign on the sidewalk caught my eye. I was powerless to move as I read it over and over to myself.Bella’s Dream? Did Edward…Bella’s Dream? Coffee? It slowly began to sink in as I just stood there staring. Just like I had made Edward a character in my new book, he had made a special coffee for me. We were each including one another in our own way in our everyday lives. I had never been so moved by something so simple. I felt the constriction in my chest begin again. Keep it together Bella! I glanced back at Emmett who was staring at me from the jeep. I knew he was worried so I gave him a casual wave. I looked at the sign once more and then forced myself through the front doors of the coffee shop.
The smell was almost as incredible as it was the first time I had walked in except it was missing one key piece, Edward’s scent. Still, being here in his shop and smelling the coffee was close enough. There were three people working today. There was a tall skinny boy who was washing tables down, a young dark-haired girl who was cleaning one of the coffee machines, and a petite brown-haired girl who was sorting through tickets at the register. I walked up to the counter and read “Erin” on the name tag of the girl at the register. I never expected Erin to be pretty and felt a little bit of jealousy that she could share in Edward’s life and I couldn’t.
“May I help you?” Erin asked as she set the receipts down turning her full attention to me.
“Yes, actually you can. I’m a friend of Edward’s and I need to get this letter to him,” I watched as Erin raised a suspicious eyebrow at me. “I know he is out of town and won’t be returning until tomorrow afternoon,” I continued as Erin’s entire facial expression fell blank, “and I was wondering if you could give this to him when he returns.” I held the letter out in front of me. I noticed the dark-haired girl at the coffee maker had turned to look at us with a strange look on her face.
“I’m sorry, what was your name again?” Erin asked as she wiped her hands on her apron and reached for the letter.
“Bella,” I answered as both Erin and the dark-haired girl froze. I watched several different emotions play over Erin’s face before she settled into an icy glare.
“Where did you meet Edward?” Erin asked as she set the letter next to the register.
“Well, I’m actually Isabella Cullen, the author of Pieces of Moonlight. I met him at my book signing…”
“Oh my God!” the dark-haired girl interrupted as she came running over from the coffee maker shoving her hand across the counter, “I’m Lizzie Tanner. I freakin’ love your book!” I smiled as I shook her hand.
“Thanks,” I smiled back at her and then turned to Erin. “If you don’t mind giving him that letter, I would appreciate it.”
“Sure, no problem, consider it done.” I nodded as I searched her eyes briefly. Something didn’t seem right. Erin seemed edgy. I could feel it.
“I have my book in the car, would you mind signing it for me?” Lizzie asked breaking into my concentration.
“I’d be happy to,” Lizzie left and I glanced back at Erin who was eyeing the letter I had given her.
“While I’m waiting, I’ll take one of those Bella’s Dreams to go.” I said and wrinkled my nose as I patted the counter with my hand. She looked back at me with narrow scowling eyes and began working on the coffee. I let my jealousy get the best of me and I probably shouldn’t have done it but I couldn’t help it. There was something about Erin that was really pissing me off. She had feelings for Edward. I could tell by her actions and her body language. If I would have known it beforehand, I would have never given her the letter for Edward.
Lizzie returned with her book as Erin was finishing up my coffee. I wrote a quick inscription for her and started to pull some money out of my pocket. “It’s on the house,” Erin smiled tightly.
“Grazie,” I nodded and smiled as I picked up my coffee turning on my heel to leave. I inhaled deeply one last time taking in the heavenly aroma of the last piece of Edward I would ever encounter. Even though I was jealous of Erin, I could tell she cared for Edward a lot. I felt bad about what I did but it would soon be forgotten. I stole one last look at the sign outside before I continued to the parking lot.
I got to the jeep and Emmett gave me a strange look when I set the coffee in the drink holder. “Have you lost your mind?” he asked.
“Oh Em, he made a special coffee and named it after me,” I said knowing I was still acting like a love sick school girl.
“Oh no… you got it bad,” Emmett said as he shook his head. “You think this is over…this ain’t over baby girl.”
“It has to be,” I said as I picked up the coffee out of the holder and inhaled its aroma. I wondered what made Edward do this? He had come to Chicago knowing I would be there; did he make this coffee hoping I would see it?
Emmett laughed at me as he got back on the interstate, “You’re in denial. You do realize that don’t you?”
I put the coffee back down in the holder and crossed my arms across my chest refusing to answer him. Denial or not, this is the way it had to be. I had allowed myself this one last indulgence, one last little piece of Edward, but I there would be no more. Things like this would not make it any easier on me. I had to welcome the passing of time, the thing I hated the most. I had to let it consume me so that I would be sure to allow Edward a normal life. Time meant nothing when you had nothing but time, and if I became too tempted, I would move halfway across the globe to keep myself from him.
Emmett pulled into a gas station to fill up just as we reached Fox Island. I glanced out my window at the garbage can between the pumps and knew what I had to do. I picked the cup out of the holder as I opened the passenger side door and stepped out onto the pavement. I slowly made my way over to the garbage can and I stood there holding the cup over the mouth of the can having a private battle with myself about throwing the coffee away. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as I let go of the cup, hearing it fall onto the rest of the trash in the can. I turned without opening my eyes, running into Emmett as his big arms wrapped around me again. He helped me back to the jeep knowing that I was spent emotionally. If only I could let go of my memories of Edward the same way it would make all this much easier on me, but I knew I didn’t want to let go. I never wanted to forget Edward or anything about our short time together. I would live a lifetime in those memories of him because those memories were the only happiness I had in my lonely existence.
Emmett pulled up in the long familiar driveway of our home and I began to feel a little at ease until we reached the clearing of the house. There were two cars parked in front of the house that I didn’t recognize. I looked at Emmett as confusion feel across my face.
“Um…yeah…about that,” Emmett started to speak as he pulled around the side of the house to the garage.
“What!” I demanded, “Who is that!”
“Alice invited them,” he said as he shut off the jeep and rubbed his hand across his brow.
“Emmett! Spill it!! Who the fuck owns the cars?” I growled at him through clenched teeth.
“The Denalis!”
"Damn it Alice! She only did this to push me because she thinks I should be with Edward!" I got out of the jeep, slamming the door, "I'm gonna kill her!"
"What if she's right Bella?" Emmett said grabbing my bag and walking with me to the back of the house. I shot him an angry look before closing my eyes and taking a deep breath trying to prepare myself for what was coming next.
"Time to make nice with the relatives," I said in a sarcastic tone as I looked toward the back door. I wouldn't dare cause a scene in front of the Denalis and embarrass Carlisle and Esme but as soon as I was alone with Alice, she was going to regret putting her nose in my business. I paused just before the door and let out a heavy sigh as I placed a huge fake smile on my face. I stepped forward pushing the door open as I greeted my family and five unfamiliar faces.
Chapter: 8 - Get Yourself a Good Sharp Stake and Drive it Right Through His Heart
Genre: Twilight - Supernatural/Romance
Rating: M
Details: AU, OOC, Cannon Pairings
Summary: "Author Isabella Swan likes to write about the unattainable, Vampire romance. If you can't have it you write about it, right? After years of being alone can a handsome human man show her that truth is better than fiction?"
Chapter Note: She left? WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE LEFT? Is she going to turn around and just run back into his arms - of course, right?
A/N: First and foremost, we want to thank everyone who is reading FTLOB...we currently have 3,131 hits to our story on fanfiction and a ton of you have FTLOB listed as either a favorite or on story or author alert ...every time we see those numbers it makes us so happy, so big thanks and hugs to you all.
Disclaimer: Nicky and I do not own Twilight or any of its characters, we just like to play with them!
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"Loneliness pours over you
Emptiness can pull you through
Did you go to sleep with the light on?
I can't wait for this feeling to free me”
~Lou Gramm - Lost in the Shadows
-:BPOV:-
Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!! I can’t believe I was so stupid!!!
“Where to?” The taxi cab driver asked as I sat down in the back seat.
“Chicago O’Hare Airport, American Airlines terminal,” I turned to look back at the doors of the hotel knowing full well that Edward wasn’t following me. I’d hurt him. I had flirted recklessly with him because I was selfish. I wanted him; I was in love with him. I had no doubts that he had feelings for me. I had shown him I was interested and then pulled the rug out from under him and I hate myself for it. I should have known better than to get involved with a human! It went against all my better judgment, but I wanted this so badly. I wanted to believe everything Alice had told me and that a relationship with Edward was possible. In the end, I was still a monster and he was still this gloriously beautiful human man that deserved so much more than the life I could give him. If he ever discovered what a wretched monstrosity I was, he would shun me anyway. But none of that mattered now. I had walked away after he had asked me to stay with him. I left him standing there with his heart in his hands and I knew there was no going back. It was really better this way even though it felt like someone was carving my heart out of my chest with a dull knife.
I felt my cell phone going crazy in my pocket again. It had been going off ever since I walked out of the hotel room. I didn’t have to look at it to know who it was, I knew it was Alice. I had no doubt that she had seen everything. I pulled the phone out of my pocket and while I was looking out the window, I quietly crushed the small device into tiny pieces in my hand. I rolled down the window and threw the pieces out. The cab driver gave me a strange look through the rearview mirror as I rolled my window back up but I didn’t care. My heart was breaking. I felt the deep sobs trying to erupt from my chest as I concentrated on trying not to lose it. As vampires, it was impossible for us to cry human tears although our bodies still went through the motions of crying. I had heard rumors that freshly fed vampires could produce blood tears when they cried but I had never seen it or experienced it.
I took a deep breath and held it for as long as I could without feeling uncomfortable as I tried to keep the walls of my chest from constricting. Everything was so fucked up! The one thing that I could do now for Edward, which is what I should have done in the beginning, was to stay away from him. I should have let him go on with his human life and I had no right to interfere in it. He hadn’t known me long enough to become attached so it would be easy for him to forget me. For me, it would be a different story, and even if I had to become my character Maria and lock myself away for the next eighty years, I would do it to save him from myself. I had made a disaster out of everything! I had learned nothing from this whole experience other than ignorance was bliss and now that I knew what love felt like, I had an eternity to feel the heartbreak of losing Edward. Not only had I lost the only man I had ever loved, I had also run the risk of exposing what I truly was. I had come so close to killing those guys last night but I wasn’t sorry. I hoped the one who had hurt Edward would never forget that night. I was sure that his arm would never heal properly and the demon inside of me was pleased knowing that fucker would always have a reminder of our encounter. I would have done more damage if Edward were not lying beneath me hurt. All I could think of was getting him out of the situation and out of danger. If only I would have called 911, I would have been worried about him but at least I would still be with him. Just more proof that I had no business being in this relationship, I just did everything wrong.
I didn’t realize that we had arrived at the airport until I felt the car come to a halt. I paid the driver and retrieved my bag from the trunk of the car. After checking my bags at the ticket counter, I went through security and wandered through the airport to my gate. I passed several coffee vendors but I refused to stop, holding my breath every time a passed one. I knew it would only make matters worse and cause my heart to break even more than it already was. I sat at the gate with a few hours to kill before my flight. I was oblivious to everyone and everything going on around me. I had no desire to do anything but wallow in myself pity. I didn’t bother with distractions like my music or writing. I didn’t want to. I allowed myself to be completely consumed in the quiet recesses of my mind, completely pulling into myself. There was nothing that was ever going to change what I was and I needed to learn to accept that. I had spent the last twenty years holding on to my humanity, but I just had to face the fact that I was no longer human. Had I fully embraced my disgusting nature, I wouldn’t be in this predicament now.
Carlisle had fallen in love with a human, Esme, but he did nothing to act on it until after she was pronounced dead. Carlisle found her in the morgue with a faint heartbeat so he took her and changed her. He didn’t try to steal her life and he didn’t try to become involved with her other than to treat her medically. Same thing with Rosalie and Emmett, she didn’t take his life until he was almost dead. I was the only halfwit that would go after a human.
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
I was still lost in my own self loathing when a little girl about the age of four accidentally ran into my legs. The little girl turned to me to say she was sorry and all I saw were her big green eyes. They reminded me of Edward's. Edward. I felt my chest constrict again as the little girl ran back to her mother. I held my breath for a moment trying to keep in the sobs when I heard the announcement for boarding. I pulled myself from my chair and headed towards the tarmac.
The flight was uneventful and I was sure the person beside me must have thought I was on drugs. I just sat in my seat and stared expressionless at the seat in front of me. I didn’t move, I didn't blink, and I didn’t care. All I could see were images of Edward. His gorgeous green eyes, the straight edge of his jaw line, the faint appearance of a cleft in his chin, and his smile. I felt the edges of my lips curl up as I thought of Edward’s smile, all warm and infectious. I loved his smile, especially his dimples. Even though they were small and only appeared over the edges of his lips when he smiled, I loved then just the same. When he would explain things, he would sometimes raise his eyebrows causing three very distinct lines to form across his forehead and one small one just between his brows. It was absolutely adorable when he was nervous because his hand would always run through his hair. It was always the left hand, never the right. At first, his hand would run through the top of his head with his fingers bent and spread slightly apart as he raked them through his hair and then through the back on the left side. His eyes were very animated when he spoke and I loved watching their intensity when he was telling a story. When he was thinking, he would slightly suck in the skin just below his bottom lip. It was very subtle and I doubt that anyone else would have ever noticed. There was also this cute little freckle of a mole right at his hair line on the right side of neck…Stop it!
I let out a long breath as I tried to shake the memories of him. It was as if I were trying to come off of a drug addiction. I just couldn’t let go, as if I were jonesing for another fix! I took in a breath and smelt the coffee being served. I was in my own private hell with no hopes of escaping. I was going to lose my mind before I ever set foot off of this plane! Maybe I should write him a letter. I was feeling guilty for leaving the way I did. I knew he wouldn’t understand and I needed to at least give him some form of an explanation. Leaving things unsaid may make him bitter, and I just can't stand the thought of him thinking badly of me.
I reached down and pulled my purse into my lap. The service cart stopped next to our aisle and the smell of coffee was strong all around me. I let out a heavy sigh as I opened my purse to pull out my notebook. It wasn’t there! I sat back in my seat for a moment as I tried to remember when I last had it. In my rush to leave the hotel, I had forgotten to grab the notebook off the nightstand. Edward had been standing between me and the bed and even though I was trying to leave, I was also trying hard to fight my instincts to hold him and never let go, to kiss him madly. I would have loved nothing more than to have ripped his clothes from his tall body, pushed him back on the bed and had my way with him. I instantly remembered him sleeping peacefully at Tyler and Maggie’s half naked, his bare chest beckoning to me from just a few feet away. How I longed to run my hands down his body, to lightly graze my fingertips over his hardened nipples giving them a playful pinch. I felt a dull ache of arousal beginning to burn between my legs at the thought of exploring Edward’s body with my hands and tongue. My hands flew up to my temples as I shook my head. Get a grip on yourself Bella, this is not helping!
My mind was still burning with images of Edward, real and fantasized. I could still hear him pleading with me to stay. I could see the want and need in his eyes and then the disparity when he realized that I wasn’t going to remain with him. I felt a sharp pain in my chest again as I thought of the hurt I caused him. I was a vile atrocious creature who did not deserve to be with Edward, however the more miles that separated us, the harder it became to keep believing that. I knew that I had left my heart with him in Chicago because there was only a gaping hole left in my chest where my heart used to be. I wrapped my arms around myself to hold the pieces together. This was just day one of my life without Edward and thinking about any more than that made my chest constrict as I tried to fight the sobs again. It almost felt like I was drowning. I hugged my chest tighter as I began to rock back and forth in my seat.
I managed to maintain myself for the rest of the flight. Time had slipped away from me again but for the first time in ages, I just didn’t care. I let it swallow me whole and did nothing to stop it. As we landed in Seattle, the only thing I was dreading now was seeing Alice. I knew that she would work hard to cheer me up but that just wasn’t what I needed right now. I just wanted to be alone. If I could just fade away until the pain stopped, I might actually survive this heartache.
Once I got off the plane, I blindly followed the crowd of people toward the baggage claim area. I wasn’t watching where I was going, just mindlessly walking knowing that I would end up in the baggage claim area eventually. I stepped on the escalator that took me down to the baggage claim area and as I neared the bottom, a familiar scent momentarily snapped me out of my stupor. It was the smell of another vampire that I recognized. I looked up through the crowd and saw the most wonderful sight for sore eyes. It was Emmett, standing there with his arms folded and a huge grin on his face. I jumped off the escalator and within two bounds I jumped up into his arms and hugged him fiercely. As soon as he caught me, I felt my chest constricting and I did nothing to stop the sobs that erupted from my chest.
“I know baby girl,” Emmett said as he held me tight and soothed my hair. I couldn’t say anything as I continued to let the emotions pour out of me. We didn’t move for a while. He just held me in the middle of the baggage claim area in the Seattle airport and let me get it all out. I was sure we were getting strange looks from the people passing by us but I didn’t care.
“I was happy,” I quietly sobbed as I buried my head in his chest.
“And you will be happy again,” he said.
“No, I won’t,” I corrected him as I slowly shook my head. “I left him.”
“He’ll forgive you,” Emmett whispered in my hair as he squeezed me tighter trying to reassure me.
“It doesn’t matter,” I paused taking in a ragged breath, “it’s too dangerous for him.”
“Shit,” Emmett chuckled under his breath. I pulled away from him feeling a little confused. “Bella, you don’t give yourself enough credit.”
“But you don’t understand. He deserves much better than what I am.”
“I don’t ever want to hear you say that again Isabella! Do you understand me?” I knew I had aggravated him.
I nodded as I let him go. “I love you Emmett,” I said as I patted his chest and took his hand. “Let’s go home.”
A big grin lit up his face as he winked at me, “Nope, we’re going hunting first.” He bumped his shoulder into mine, “And I love you too baby girl.”
Emmett went and grabbed my suitcase off the conveyor belt before we headed out to his Jeep. “What made you come pick me up?” I asked as he threw my bag in the back seat.
“Well, number one, I missed you; it's weird when you are not around. And number two, Alice said that you needed me.” We started to pull out of the parking spot when he suddenly stopped, “Oh, and she said you would need this,” Emmett pulled a notebook and an envelope from the back seat. I smiled and suddenly I couldn’t be mad at Alice anymore. I really wasn’t mad at her to begin with because I knew she meant well and she only wanted me to be happy. I was really angrier with myself for being so careless.
As Emmett drove, I thought of what to say as I tapped my pen against the blank notebook. I made several attempts but nothing sounded good enough. I finally decided that there would be no easy way to get this out. Straight forward and honest would be the best way to handle this. I glanced up at Emmett who looked back at me with concern in his eyes. I gave him a faint smile and with a heavy sigh, I turned back to my notebook as I began to write:
Dear Edward,
I know I owe you an explanation but I really don’t have much of one to give. Believe me when I tell you that I wish with all of my heart that the circumstances were different. Unfortunately, my life is what it is and there is nothing either of us can do to change it. Please forgive me and know that I never meant to hurt you. I wish you the best and I will never forget you. Your kiss will always be on my lips.
Love always,
Bella
I tore the page from the notebook and sealed it up in the envelope. I wrote Edward’s name on the outside and looked up at Emmett, “We have a stop to make on the way home.” He nodded in understanding.
“You wanna talk about it,” he asked as he exited off the interstate onto Highway 530.
“I love him, what else is there to talk about” I shrugged my shoulders, not looking at him.
“Yeah…sometimes you just know,” I nodded at his response. “I know Rose and I have a wild relationship but I know there isn’t anyone else out there for me. I know you two don’t get along but I do love her and I think everything about her is fantastic, even when she annoys the shit out of me.”
“I know you do and I know she loves you too,” I smiled as I patted him on the leg. Emmett loved wrestling grizzly bears so it made sense that he would love a strong woman. They were perfect for each other.
“I’m starving!” Emmett exclaimed as he parked the Jeep just outside of Mt. Baker National Forest. “You’re looking a few hours past rigor yourself little sis.” He smiled as he poked me with his finger.
“Bite me you meat popsicle!” I punched him in the shoulder and jumped out of the jeep. I took off running into the forest knowing Emmett was close behind me.
It felt good to be outside and running. I had been cooped up for too long. We eventually neared a lake where a herd of elk were resting. We overtook them and had a few drained before the rest of the herd became alerted to our presence. We tossed the carcasses off into the forest and continued our hunt. I knew Emmett was looking for a Black Bear so we separated for a little while. Bear was not my forte.
It didn’t take me long to track down a deer. By the time I had drained it I was too full. I should have just stopped with the elk but I wanted to feel something else besides the emptiness that now consumed me. I stood there for some time staring at the dead deer thinking about how I had taken its life. It had whimpered and struggled under my grip fighting until it had taken its last breath. I thought about Edward and how one slip and I could have ended his life too. I shook my head trying to empty it of those thoughts. I loved Edward too much to make that mistake. I knew I would love him forever and my life would never be the same. A new wave of painful emotions crashed over me as I realized I would never see Edward again. How do I live with thoughts of what could have been? I fell to my knees as the precipice in my chest began to crack open once more. I felt the constriction of the sobbing begin again as I thought about never feeling the comfort of his arm around me or his warm hand in mine. I would never feel his kiss or hear him tell me that he loved me. I let go of all the control I had been holding onto all day. I let the pain come as the lamenting reached the very depths of my being. I squeezed my arms around myself trying to hold the pieces together and contain the pain in my chest. My body was trembling as I fell slowly to the ground, my sobs now audible in the woods as every other animal had fled from me, and I felt a trail of warm thick liquid trail down my cheeks. I was stunned! I reached a shaky hand up to wipe my face and found blood on my hands.
“Bella?” I jerked my head up to see Emmett standing there practically shirtless. He had a startled look on his face as he crouched down next to me. “What happened?” he asked as he wiped more blood from my face.
“I…I think I’m crying,” I shuddered.
“Come on,” Emmett scooped me up in his arms and ran with me all the way back to the jeep. He set me down in the passenger seat and told me to wait as he took off. He returned with his dampened shirt in his hand and proceeded to clean up my face. I think I was still in shock up until Emmett tried to take my shirt off. He had already gotten a new one for me out of my bag and had it slung over his shoulder as he tried to unbutton the one I had on.
“What the hell are you doing?” I yelled smacking his hands away as I snapped out of my haze.
“I’m trying to change your shirt,” he said as he stepped away from my flailing arms. He began waving the clean shirt like a white flag as he covered his eyes. “Chill out.”
I snatched the shirt from his hand exasperated, “Turn around and no peeking.”
“Bella, you are being ridiculous,” he said as he turned around. I quickly looked around the empty parking lot and changed my shirt.
“OK, done,” I said as I pitched the bloodied shirt in the back seat. Emmett walked around to the other side of the jeep and pulled a clean t-shirt out of a gym bag behind his seat. I started to feel bad about snapping at him. I knew he was just trying to help me. Once he was situated in the driver’s seat I turned to him to apologize, “I’m sorry Emmett. You just caught me off guard.”
“No, I’m sorry. I should have let you dress yourself. I wasn’t thinking. I was just worried about you. I’ve never seen blood coming out of anyone’s eyes before. It kind of freaked me out.” I explained to him about the rumors I had heard regarding the blood tears. It seemed to ease his mind.
“I take it you got that bear?” a big grin lit up his whole face as he told me in detail about his fight with the bear. I loved to see Emmett excited. He was just like a big kid at Christmas. Bears were his favorite kill because that is what killed him as a human. That’s how Rosalie found him, nearly dead from being mauled by a bear. She ran over one hundred miles carrying Emmett to Carlisle, begging Carlisle to save him. That was the one thing, the only thing, about Rosalie that I admired. I didn’t know anything else about her other than she had saved Emmett from death.
After Emmett was finished with his story, I reminded him about the stop I needed to make. I didn’t want to do it but it was necessary. Edward deserved some form of closure. For me, there would never be closure. He would always be in my heart. I took the envelope out of my purse and tapped it aimlessly on my leg as Emmett pulled off the interstate and headed toward the coffee shop. I knew Edward wouldn’t be there but I still felt nervous. The coffee shop was a big part of his life. It was almost two weeks ago that I had been caught up in my reverie of working in that coffee shop with Edward. I closed my eyes and I could still see him running around the coffee shop with his white apron tied around his waist.
I felt the jeep stop and my eyes popped open. “We’re here baby girl. Do you want me to come with you?” Emmett asked as he shut the jeep off.
“No, I’ll be fine,” I started to get out of the jeep when I turned and kissed him on the cheek. “Thanks for everything today,” I said as I smiled at him. Emmett just gave me his huge grin that I loved and I climbed out of the jeep with Edward’s letter in my hand.
I was almost to the front doors of the coffee shop when the hand written sign on the sidewalk caught my eye. I was powerless to move as I read it over and over to myself.Bella’s Dream? Did Edward…Bella’s Dream? Coffee? It slowly began to sink in as I just stood there staring. Just like I had made Edward a character in my new book, he had made a special coffee for me. We were each including one another in our own way in our everyday lives. I had never been so moved by something so simple. I felt the constriction in my chest begin again. Keep it together Bella! I glanced back at Emmett who was staring at me from the jeep. I knew he was worried so I gave him a casual wave. I looked at the sign once more and then forced myself through the front doors of the coffee shop.
The smell was almost as incredible as it was the first time I had walked in except it was missing one key piece, Edward’s scent. Still, being here in his shop and smelling the coffee was close enough. There were three people working today. There was a tall skinny boy who was washing tables down, a young dark-haired girl who was cleaning one of the coffee machines, and a petite brown-haired girl who was sorting through tickets at the register. I walked up to the counter and read “Erin” on the name tag of the girl at the register. I never expected Erin to be pretty and felt a little bit of jealousy that she could share in Edward’s life and I couldn’t.
“May I help you?” Erin asked as she set the receipts down turning her full attention to me.
“Yes, actually you can. I’m a friend of Edward’s and I need to get this letter to him,” I watched as Erin raised a suspicious eyebrow at me. “I know he is out of town and won’t be returning until tomorrow afternoon,” I continued as Erin’s entire facial expression fell blank, “and I was wondering if you could give this to him when he returns.” I held the letter out in front of me. I noticed the dark-haired girl at the coffee maker had turned to look at us with a strange look on her face.
“I’m sorry, what was your name again?” Erin asked as she wiped her hands on her apron and reached for the letter.
“Bella,” I answered as both Erin and the dark-haired girl froze. I watched several different emotions play over Erin’s face before she settled into an icy glare.
“Where did you meet Edward?” Erin asked as she set the letter next to the register.
“Well, I’m actually Isabella Cullen, the author of Pieces of Moonlight. I met him at my book signing…”
“Oh my God!” the dark-haired girl interrupted as she came running over from the coffee maker shoving her hand across the counter, “I’m Lizzie Tanner. I freakin’ love your book!” I smiled as I shook her hand.
“Thanks,” I smiled back at her and then turned to Erin. “If you don’t mind giving him that letter, I would appreciate it.”
“Sure, no problem, consider it done.” I nodded as I searched her eyes briefly. Something didn’t seem right. Erin seemed edgy. I could feel it.
“I have my book in the car, would you mind signing it for me?” Lizzie asked breaking into my concentration.
“I’d be happy to,” Lizzie left and I glanced back at Erin who was eyeing the letter I had given her.
“While I’m waiting, I’ll take one of those Bella’s Dreams to go.” I said and wrinkled my nose as I patted the counter with my hand. She looked back at me with narrow scowling eyes and began working on the coffee. I let my jealousy get the best of me and I probably shouldn’t have done it but I couldn’t help it. There was something about Erin that was really pissing me off. She had feelings for Edward. I could tell by her actions and her body language. If I would have known it beforehand, I would have never given her the letter for Edward.
Lizzie returned with her book as Erin was finishing up my coffee. I wrote a quick inscription for her and started to pull some money out of my pocket. “It’s on the house,” Erin smiled tightly.
“Grazie,” I nodded and smiled as I picked up my coffee turning on my heel to leave. I inhaled deeply one last time taking in the heavenly aroma of the last piece of Edward I would ever encounter. Even though I was jealous of Erin, I could tell she cared for Edward a lot. I felt bad about what I did but it would soon be forgotten. I stole one last look at the sign outside before I continued to the parking lot.
I got to the jeep and Emmett gave me a strange look when I set the coffee in the drink holder. “Have you lost your mind?” he asked.
“Oh Em, he made a special coffee and named it after me,” I said knowing I was still acting like a love sick school girl.
“Oh no… you got it bad,” Emmett said as he shook his head. “You think this is over…this ain’t over baby girl.”
“It has to be,” I said as I picked up the coffee out of the holder and inhaled its aroma. I wondered what made Edward do this? He had come to Chicago knowing I would be there; did he make this coffee hoping I would see it?
Emmett laughed at me as he got back on the interstate, “You’re in denial. You do realize that don’t you?”
I put the coffee back down in the holder and crossed my arms across my chest refusing to answer him. Denial or not, this is the way it had to be. I had allowed myself this one last indulgence, one last little piece of Edward, but I there would be no more. Things like this would not make it any easier on me. I had to welcome the passing of time, the thing I hated the most. I had to let it consume me so that I would be sure to allow Edward a normal life. Time meant nothing when you had nothing but time, and if I became too tempted, I would move halfway across the globe to keep myself from him.
Emmett pulled into a gas station to fill up just as we reached Fox Island. I glanced out my window at the garbage can between the pumps and knew what I had to do. I picked the cup out of the holder as I opened the passenger side door and stepped out onto the pavement. I slowly made my way over to the garbage can and I stood there holding the cup over the mouth of the can having a private battle with myself about throwing the coffee away. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as I let go of the cup, hearing it fall onto the rest of the trash in the can. I turned without opening my eyes, running into Emmett as his big arms wrapped around me again. He helped me back to the jeep knowing that I was spent emotionally. If only I could let go of my memories of Edward the same way it would make all this much easier on me, but I knew I didn’t want to let go. I never wanted to forget Edward or anything about our short time together. I would live a lifetime in those memories of him because those memories were the only happiness I had in my lonely existence.
Emmett pulled up in the long familiar driveway of our home and I began to feel a little at ease until we reached the clearing of the house. There were two cars parked in front of the house that I didn’t recognize. I looked at Emmett as confusion feel across my face.
“Um…yeah…about that,” Emmett started to speak as he pulled around the side of the house to the garage.
“What!” I demanded, “Who is that!”
“Alice invited them,” he said as he shut off the jeep and rubbed his hand across his brow.
“Emmett! Spill it!! Who the fuck owns the cars?” I growled at him through clenched teeth.
“The Denalis!”
"Damn it Alice! She only did this to push me because she thinks I should be with Edward!" I got out of the jeep, slamming the door, "I'm gonna kill her!"
"What if she's right Bella?" Emmett said grabbing my bag and walking with me to the back of the house. I shot him an angry look before closing my eyes and taking a deep breath trying to prepare myself for what was coming next.
"Time to make nice with the relatives," I said in a sarcastic tone as I looked toward the back door. I wouldn't dare cause a scene in front of the Denalis and embarrass Carlisle and Esme but as soon as I was alone with Alice, she was going to regret putting her nose in my business. I paused just before the door and let out a heavy sigh as I placed a huge fake smile on my face. I stepped forward pushing the door open as I greeted my family and five unfamiliar faces.