Round and Round
It took me three updates and 18 months to figure out how you guys were putting your mood on your entries. Turns out it's right about the button that says "Update Journal."
Ok, let's get this expedition back on track after that last update. Well, not completely on track. Instead of going back in time to examine some of my horrible, horrible poetry, let's look at what amounts to basically just a cute story.
As Netzero would tell you, all Internet service providers take you to the same Internet, so why pay extra for AOL? I'll tell you why, sucka. The awesome AOL community, which made the following events possible.
When I was in the 10th or 11th grade, I had my AOL Member Profile all tricked out with hilarious responses to the questions. In fact, I probably haven't changed it since then, so if you have an AOL account you can do a member search for Constble and sit back and let the laughter roll over you like the Mighty Mississip'. The purpose of the AOL Member Profile is that you can search for keywords in all the profiles and get lists of other members who share an interest with you and begin an e-friendship that may one day blossom into an awkward sexual encounter in a Motel 6 midway between your two cities. And nothing screamed "look at me, I'm clever!" like filling yours out with a bunch of fake crap. Under the "Name" heading I had put "Stone Cold Scott Baio" in what I imagined to be an hilarious juxtaposition of pop-culture icons. Thinking no more of it, I blissful surfed the 'net for a few months completely unaware of the strange event looming on the horizon.
One day I was online, probably compulsively submitting entries to the Hecklers Online Top Ten (shout out to Hecklers Online, playas), when some stranger calling herself Ayshasmom IMed me asking if I was really Scott Baio. Now, I was a bit too flabergasted at the time to try and say that yes, I was in fact Scott Baio so I think I told her "Uh, no. I was just joking." She seemed disappointed, and, oddly enough, to not entirely believe me.
Now, for all those of you who are splattering spittle all over your monitor shouting "What! No! You should have pretended to be Scott Baio! It would have been hilarious!" I must admit that, at the time, I immediately regretted telling her the truth. But, I'm glad I didn't because the most unusual friendship developed. We talked for a while that evening, and again from time to time for almost a year after that. She was a middle-aged waitress from San Diego who was (believe it or not) the mother of a girl named Aysha. I can't remember her real name, or if she ever told it to me. We would talk about her life and what was going on. She had a husband and three kids (I always wondered how her other kids felt about getting dissed in the screen name motherhood shout out) and was basically a pleasant woman who had an unhealthy fixation with Scott Baio. I mean she was crazy obsessed with him. So obsessed that she tried to track him down in the AOL profiles so she could IM him, to what purpose we can only conjecture. It's a pity all she could get a hold of was me.
I liked Ayshasmom quite a bit. I thought she was a sweet, hard working woman and I found talking to her to be delightful. But occasionally she would say the craziest, most cracked out things you could imagine. Fortunately for the LiveJournaling public, I began pasting portions of these conversations into a text file. I recently resurrected this file from the depths of our old Micron and now I bring them to you...
This first conversation is amusing because she simply refuses to relent from her upbeat wisdom, no matter how silly my response.
---------------------------
Ayshasmom: wow i better get to sleep too. have sweet dreams
because each day is something to look forward to we can not change the
past but we can change the future
Constble: I sometimes try to change the past, but I'm not tall enough
to reach the top shelf.
Ayshasmom: aredeverchi .... we can only reach what is in our glance
or to what we think we can achieve
Constble: chaio...we can only reach that which is in our easy reach
with or without the helpful aid of a step ladder.
---------------------------
Her response to my crack about not being tall enough to reach the top shelf is just so crazily brilliant it makes my brain want to cease up.
This next one falls into the TMI category.
---------------------------
Ayshasmom: You have to excuse my wird sense of humor.. I feel goofy
today>
Ayshasmom: Maybe cause I gave my husband a little bit
Ayshasmom: HAHA
Constble: A little bit of what?
Constble: Cheese?
Ayshasmom: two days ago
Ayshasmom: no not cheese,, ???
Constble: ???
Ayshasmom: tlc he needed it
Ayshasmom: s
Constble: Does he like TLC? I like that one song they had, Waterfalls
or whatever it was.
Ayshasmom: he was driving me crazy... I guess it is true about what
people say about m&ms
Ayshasmom: NO he listens to weird arabic music
Constble: M&M's are delicious.
Constble: Does he like to eat M&M's and listen to TLC?
----------------------------
Apparently, M&Ms make either her or her husband randy. Then they listen to weird Arabic music. I almost passed out during this conversation. Oh, and it's two days later and she still feels a little goofy? Whatever energy drink her husband's drinking, sign me up for a case.
I have no idea what this next one was about. Apparently my response made me laugh enough to save it forever on my hard drive, which is sort of maturbatory on my part. But, I guess I am posting this entire thing in my LiveJournal so I guess I haven't changed much since then.
----------------------------
Ayshasmom: not too bad 249 a month. With my tips i can afford that
.. maybe santa was listening
Constble: I heard Santa was deaf.
----------------------------
This next one reveals some crazy info about her Baio obsession.
----------------------------
Ayshasmom: i am so proud of myself i found scott baio on line today
and it was the right one, but i will still chat with you because you
and i seem to get along great
Ayshasmom: yes i know because i said something to him that me him
and i would only know and he said yes. i sent him some flowers in may
and he said he got them from the person i gave them to.
----------------------------
I don't think I was brave enough to ask what that secret she shares with Scott Baio was regarding. You know it had to be Juicy with a capital J. This conversation also led me to believe that, up until that day, she was still laboring under the assumption that I really was Scott Baio but that I refused to tell her so. The fact that she thinks we got along great warms my heart.
This next entry is the funniest one liner in the history of time.
----------------------------
Ayshasmom: my mom made dildo cookies by accident one year
----------------------------
More Baio obsession info and more unasked for sex life info.
----------------------------
Ayshasmom: hello and how was your day.. mine was just fine you are
going to think that i am crazy but i sent flowers to scott baio for
easter
Ayshasmom: i was going to send scott baio some new shoes but i forgot
his shoe size and i felt embarrassed to ask his agent that
Constble: Does your husband mind all the time and attention you pay
to Scott Baio?
Ayshasmom: not really i have a good husband and it keeps great sex in
our marriage
----------------------------
That part about the shoes cracks me up more than anything. Why would you send someone new shoes? Unless you were their grandmother. And even then, it's weird. I don't even want to think about that great sex part.
With our next entry, the Baio obsession gets dialed up to the max.
----------------------------
Ayshasmom: my husband and i are trying for another child
Ayshasmom: deep nown i would like to name it scott but i do not think
that would be ok with him or m y mom
Ayshasmom: i have one boy now and two girls so it would be nice to
have another boy
Ayshasmom: but whatever god gives is ok with us
Ayshasmom: as long as it is healthy and born on jan.1, 2000
Constble: Oh, are you racing for a millenium baby?
Ayshasmom: the prize is 2 million dollars for the first millenium
baby
Ayshasmom: yep so this is the last week to try for the rat race
Constble: Well, as long as you're having a child for the right
reason.
Constble: The right reason being cash reward.
Ayshasmom: yes i love kids too
----------------------------
Ah, the great millennium baby race. The fact that she wanted to name her own child after Scott Baio is jaw dropping*. If your jaw is not on the floor, you need to check your pulse. I'm serious. Call 911. I like the fact that she already knows that both her husband and mom would veto the idea. Something tells me this has come up before.
Oh, Ayshasmom. I wonder what ever happened to her. I hope she's out there somewhere, lusting after Scott Baio and having astonishing IM conversations with strangers.
*I totally typed "draw jopping."
Ok, let's get this expedition back on track after that last update. Well, not completely on track. Instead of going back in time to examine some of my horrible, horrible poetry, let's look at what amounts to basically just a cute story.
As Netzero would tell you, all Internet service providers take you to the same Internet, so why pay extra for AOL? I'll tell you why, sucka. The awesome AOL community, which made the following events possible.
When I was in the 10th or 11th grade, I had my AOL Member Profile all tricked out with hilarious responses to the questions. In fact, I probably haven't changed it since then, so if you have an AOL account you can do a member search for Constble and sit back and let the laughter roll over you like the Mighty Mississip'. The purpose of the AOL Member Profile is that you can search for keywords in all the profiles and get lists of other members who share an interest with you and begin an e-friendship that may one day blossom into an awkward sexual encounter in a Motel 6 midway between your two cities. And nothing screamed "look at me, I'm clever!" like filling yours out with a bunch of fake crap. Under the "Name" heading I had put "Stone Cold Scott Baio" in what I imagined to be an hilarious juxtaposition of pop-culture icons. Thinking no more of it, I blissful surfed the 'net for a few months completely unaware of the strange event looming on the horizon.
One day I was online, probably compulsively submitting entries to the Hecklers Online Top Ten (shout out to Hecklers Online, playas), when some stranger calling herself Ayshasmom IMed me asking if I was really Scott Baio. Now, I was a bit too flabergasted at the time to try and say that yes, I was in fact Scott Baio so I think I told her "Uh, no. I was just joking." She seemed disappointed, and, oddly enough, to not entirely believe me.
Now, for all those of you who are splattering spittle all over your monitor shouting "What! No! You should have pretended to be Scott Baio! It would have been hilarious!" I must admit that, at the time, I immediately regretted telling her the truth. But, I'm glad I didn't because the most unusual friendship developed. We talked for a while that evening, and again from time to time for almost a year after that. She was a middle-aged waitress from San Diego who was (believe it or not) the mother of a girl named Aysha. I can't remember her real name, or if she ever told it to me. We would talk about her life and what was going on. She had a husband and three kids (I always wondered how her other kids felt about getting dissed in the screen name motherhood shout out) and was basically a pleasant woman who had an unhealthy fixation with Scott Baio. I mean she was crazy obsessed with him. So obsessed that she tried to track him down in the AOL profiles so she could IM him, to what purpose we can only conjecture. It's a pity all she could get a hold of was me.
I liked Ayshasmom quite a bit. I thought she was a sweet, hard working woman and I found talking to her to be delightful. But occasionally she would say the craziest, most cracked out things you could imagine. Fortunately for the LiveJournaling public, I began pasting portions of these conversations into a text file. I recently resurrected this file from the depths of our old Micron and now I bring them to you...
This first conversation is amusing because she simply refuses to relent from her upbeat wisdom, no matter how silly my response.
---------------------------
Ayshasmom: wow i better get to sleep too. have sweet dreams
because each day is something to look forward to we can not change the
past but we can change the future
Constble: I sometimes try to change the past, but I'm not tall enough
to reach the top shelf.
Ayshasmom: aredeverchi .... we can only reach what is in our glance
or to what we think we can achieve
Constble: chaio...we can only reach that which is in our easy reach
with or without the helpful aid of a step ladder.
---------------------------
Her response to my crack about not being tall enough to reach the top shelf is just so crazily brilliant it makes my brain want to cease up.
This next one falls into the TMI category.
---------------------------
Ayshasmom: You have to excuse my wird sense of humor.. I feel goofy
today>
Ayshasmom: Maybe cause I gave my husband a little bit
Ayshasmom: HAHA
Constble: A little bit of what?
Constble: Cheese?
Ayshasmom: two days ago
Ayshasmom: no not cheese,, ???
Constble: ???
Ayshasmom: tlc he needed it
Ayshasmom: s
Constble: Does he like TLC? I like that one song they had, Waterfalls
or whatever it was.
Ayshasmom: he was driving me crazy... I guess it is true about what
people say about m&ms
Ayshasmom: NO he listens to weird arabic music
Constble: M&M's are delicious.
Constble: Does he like to eat M&M's and listen to TLC?
----------------------------
Apparently, M&Ms make either her or her husband randy. Then they listen to weird Arabic music. I almost passed out during this conversation. Oh, and it's two days later and she still feels a little goofy? Whatever energy drink her husband's drinking, sign me up for a case.
I have no idea what this next one was about. Apparently my response made me laugh enough to save it forever on my hard drive, which is sort of maturbatory on my part. But, I guess I am posting this entire thing in my LiveJournal so I guess I haven't changed much since then.
----------------------------
Ayshasmom: not too bad 249 a month. With my tips i can afford that
.. maybe santa was listening
Constble: I heard Santa was deaf.
----------------------------
This next one reveals some crazy info about her Baio obsession.
----------------------------
Ayshasmom: i am so proud of myself i found scott baio on line today
and it was the right one, but i will still chat with you because you
and i seem to get along great
Ayshasmom: yes i know because i said something to him that me him
and i would only know and he said yes. i sent him some flowers in may
and he said he got them from the person i gave them to.
----------------------------
I don't think I was brave enough to ask what that secret she shares with Scott Baio was regarding. You know it had to be Juicy with a capital J. This conversation also led me to believe that, up until that day, she was still laboring under the assumption that I really was Scott Baio but that I refused to tell her so. The fact that she thinks we got along great warms my heart.
This next entry is the funniest one liner in the history of time.
----------------------------
Ayshasmom: my mom made dildo cookies by accident one year
----------------------------
More Baio obsession info and more unasked for sex life info.
----------------------------
Ayshasmom: hello and how was your day.. mine was just fine you are
going to think that i am crazy but i sent flowers to scott baio for
easter
Ayshasmom: i was going to send scott baio some new shoes but i forgot
his shoe size and i felt embarrassed to ask his agent that
Constble: Does your husband mind all the time and attention you pay
to Scott Baio?
Ayshasmom: not really i have a good husband and it keeps great sex in
our marriage
----------------------------
That part about the shoes cracks me up more than anything. Why would you send someone new shoes? Unless you were their grandmother. And even then, it's weird. I don't even want to think about that great sex part.
With our next entry, the Baio obsession gets dialed up to the max.
----------------------------
Ayshasmom: my husband and i are trying for another child
Ayshasmom: deep nown i would like to name it scott but i do not think
that would be ok with him or m y mom
Ayshasmom: i have one boy now and two girls so it would be nice to
have another boy
Ayshasmom: but whatever god gives is ok with us
Ayshasmom: as long as it is healthy and born on jan.1, 2000
Constble: Oh, are you racing for a millenium baby?
Ayshasmom: the prize is 2 million dollars for the first millenium
baby
Ayshasmom: yep so this is the last week to try for the rat race
Constble: Well, as long as you're having a child for the right
reason.
Constble: The right reason being cash reward.
Ayshasmom: yes i love kids too
----------------------------
Ah, the great millennium baby race. The fact that she wanted to name her own child after Scott Baio is jaw dropping*. If your jaw is not on the floor, you need to check your pulse. I'm serious. Call 911. I like the fact that she already knows that both her husband and mom would veto the idea. Something tells me this has come up before.
Oh, Ayshasmom. I wonder what ever happened to her. I hope she's out there somewhere, lusting after Scott Baio and having astonishing IM conversations with strangers.
*I totally typed "draw jopping."