last entry?
The dream is over, but so is the nightmare. no longer am I stuck between that ephemeral state between dream and wake where the hope of returning to the sweet dream was just within grasp but the threat of coming to full consciousness is ever present. I'm conscious now. She's gone, and for good. So while this LJ was for her even before we had met, and for her while we were together, and for her even after we were apart, it is finished now and so there aren't enough meaningful reasons to post here anymore. She's gone away. This will be my last entry, but I will still be around to read up and comment on the friends that I have here.
Looking back now, even on the hard times, it seems every type of music I've ever known and heard could have applied to our relationship. From the sappy 80's love songs to the heartbreaking ballads, all described perfectly any part of our relationship. It seems any song I hear or that touches my heart reminds me of her and us. And every song that I like still does. I don't know why I let her in and gave her my heart so fast or why I trusted her so fast. From the outside, it was obviously a mistake and a stupid one at that. However, at the moment, I wouldn't have changed it for the world. And I still don't know why. I guess in some recesses of my mind and heart I knew we wouldn't end up together because she was too good for me, but at the same time, I thought we would have been talking about marriage and kids at this point in our relationship, since I had the car and the house already. The "could have been's" are overwhelming and all the sappy romantic comedies and even the romance movie commercials (since I won't be watching those movies now anyway) remind me of them. Our could-have-been cruise to the bahamas and disneyworld, our could-have-been winter snowboarding trip in colorado, our could-have-been trips to california, our could-have-been trips to the beach and beaches, our could-have-been trips to meet each other's parents and awkwardly made-up stories about how we met, our could-have-been trips to the carnivals where we'd fly rockets to the sun again even higher than that last time, our could-have-been romantic dinners all dressed up for our personal "prom-like" nights downtown, our could-have-been trip to NYC to meet my friends and see THE city, and I was even planning a could-have-been hawaii trip or Paris trip as soon as I saved enough money (I think she would have wanted both). Can you believe I was still planning them while we were apart, hoping against hope that she would come back? I had even imagined holding her hand tight as the plane would take off because I know she would have been scared, probably kissing her the whole time we were ascending. It must have been good, but I lost it somehow and whenever I see an event, or place or something, I would think of turning to her to ask her if she wanted to come, only to realize she's not there, and won't be, probably ever.
Because something's always wrong....bad timing, the economy, we were apart when we needed each other and we were together when we hated each other, school, work, life, and of course our own stupid decisions. It's going to be hard to leave this all behind having come so far...those were the usual steps in a man's life: other than meeting the girl, get a car, get a house, marry the girl and start a family. I still think our kids would have been beautiful because they'd take to looking like her. And now I have to start putting it all away and shedding these things that remind me of her. I'll sell the car, leave the house, and leave this place. It's like starting a new life, only it's not new, it'll be the life before her, but new because I'll still have these feelings and memories of her. But I can't help but smile when I do think of her, just like the many times I've seen her pass by, so preoccupied and not even noticing me watching her wondering what it is that's worrying her and wondering if there was something I could have done to make it better. I've made some really stupid decisions in my life and in the course of all this, but they were mine to make, and even though I don't know if I'm better off (though I doubt it), here's to a new beginning. And even then it's not going to be new because I meant the words I had said to her. "If I'm not with you, there's no other girl for me." I probably deserve this, but I think fondly of my misery, riding high on a deep depression. She always hated it when it rains. So I guess this is what makes a difference between the jaded, cynical adult, and the grown-child living like a kid. Here's to goodbye, tomorrow's going to come too soon.
Looking back now, even on the hard times, it seems every type of music I've ever known and heard could have applied to our relationship. From the sappy 80's love songs to the heartbreaking ballads, all described perfectly any part of our relationship. It seems any song I hear or that touches my heart reminds me of her and us. And every song that I like still does. I don't know why I let her in and gave her my heart so fast or why I trusted her so fast. From the outside, it was obviously a mistake and a stupid one at that. However, at the moment, I wouldn't have changed it for the world. And I still don't know why. I guess in some recesses of my mind and heart I knew we wouldn't end up together because she was too good for me, but at the same time, I thought we would have been talking about marriage and kids at this point in our relationship, since I had the car and the house already. The "could have been's" are overwhelming and all the sappy romantic comedies and even the romance movie commercials (since I won't be watching those movies now anyway) remind me of them. Our could-have-been cruise to the bahamas and disneyworld, our could-have-been winter snowboarding trip in colorado, our could-have-been trips to california, our could-have-been trips to the beach and beaches, our could-have-been trips to meet each other's parents and awkwardly made-up stories about how we met, our could-have-been trips to the carnivals where we'd fly rockets to the sun again even higher than that last time, our could-have-been romantic dinners all dressed up for our personal "prom-like" nights downtown, our could-have-been trip to NYC to meet my friends and see THE city, and I was even planning a could-have-been hawaii trip or Paris trip as soon as I saved enough money (I think she would have wanted both). Can you believe I was still planning them while we were apart, hoping against hope that she would come back? I had even imagined holding her hand tight as the plane would take off because I know she would have been scared, probably kissing her the whole time we were ascending. It must have been good, but I lost it somehow and whenever I see an event, or place or something, I would think of turning to her to ask her if she wanted to come, only to realize she's not there, and won't be, probably ever.
Because something's always wrong....bad timing, the economy, we were apart when we needed each other and we were together when we hated each other, school, work, life, and of course our own stupid decisions. It's going to be hard to leave this all behind having come so far...those were the usual steps in a man's life: other than meeting the girl, get a car, get a house, marry the girl and start a family. I still think our kids would have been beautiful because they'd take to looking like her. And now I have to start putting it all away and shedding these things that remind me of her. I'll sell the car, leave the house, and leave this place. It's like starting a new life, only it's not new, it'll be the life before her, but new because I'll still have these feelings and memories of her. But I can't help but smile when I do think of her, just like the many times I've seen her pass by, so preoccupied and not even noticing me watching her wondering what it is that's worrying her and wondering if there was something I could have done to make it better. I've made some really stupid decisions in my life and in the course of all this, but they were mine to make, and even though I don't know if I'm better off (though I doubt it), here's to a new beginning. And even then it's not going to be new because I meant the words I had said to her. "If I'm not with you, there's no other girl for me." I probably deserve this, but I think fondly of my misery, riding high on a deep depression. She always hated it when it rains. So I guess this is what makes a difference between the jaded, cynical adult, and the grown-child living like a kid. Here's to goodbye, tomorrow's going to come too soon.