Explanation
I know i said i wouldn't write in this again but as ive had all day to think and noone to tell it to, this is the only thing i have left...just sad memories. that's my life though, all sad memories. I feel like i need to just say everything, explain everything -I wish i could...it's just that last night, out of the blue i find out that the week i hoped for, my one chance to be happy has been cut short...rachael doesn't want me anymore. she stays at her dads and i dont see her -again... i don't think i ever will again. I just don't understand -she said she loved me. me goddamnit, who the fuck has ever loved me?!? not a single god damned person, she said she did but i...i don't know...I'm lost, angry because i'm so depressed and in shock because i still have no idea what the fuck happened or what i did or didn't do...I feel...betrayed -I let her in, i promised myself i'd never do that again, I trusted her with my heart, I gave myself completely to her, i still can't read the poems i wrote to her,
I'm confused...i don't know where to turn, i'm completely lost...i just thought i had something...something real that wasn't going to vanish under my feet like a mirage, but of course it did, again, just like it's happened with anyone else i've ever let in.
I just don't understand...when i called you the night before i left you said you loved me. What changed?, i still love you...even if you did abandon me at the one time i most needed your help. Did you even think of me, how your decisions would effect me? probably not. but i'll tell you now cause hindsight is twenty fucking twenty:
when i was drunk and told you how unhappy i was and how i had no friends and how i thought dying would be the best way to go...i needed you then, for christ sake those were the last words i said to you, the last time i saw you, you didn't even have the courage to say goodbye even though you knew when i left with your mom i wasn't coming back, do you know how it feels to think that that was the last time i'd ever see you?
I feel dead, completely and utterly.
Do you know how i had to find out you were unhappy? when i called my mom to check in with her she told me you didn't want me there anymore and that i was leaving first thing in the morning... I still love you even though you viciously left me to die, i'm just so hurt and hurt and alone, so alone, and confused...if you ever cared about me...
please call, i'm scared of myself right now and i think i deserve just a little bit more than how you've left things...god i hate myself, i feel like the shit of the universe.
I'm confused...i don't know where to turn, i'm completely lost...i just thought i had something...something real that wasn't going to vanish under my feet like a mirage, but of course it did, again, just like it's happened with anyone else i've ever let in.
I just don't understand...when i called you the night before i left you said you loved me. What changed?, i still love you...even if you did abandon me at the one time i most needed your help. Did you even think of me, how your decisions would effect me? probably not. but i'll tell you now cause hindsight is twenty fucking twenty:
when i was drunk and told you how unhappy i was and how i had no friends and how i thought dying would be the best way to go...i needed you then, for christ sake those were the last words i said to you, the last time i saw you, you didn't even have the courage to say goodbye even though you knew when i left with your mom i wasn't coming back, do you know how it feels to think that that was the last time i'd ever see you?
I feel dead, completely and utterly.
Do you know how i had to find out you were unhappy? when i called my mom to check in with her she told me you didn't want me there anymore and that i was leaving first thing in the morning... I still love you even though you viciously left me to die, i'm just so hurt and hurt and alone, so alone, and confused...if you ever cared about me...
please call, i'm scared of myself right now and i think i deserve just a little bit more than how you've left things...god i hate myself, i feel like the shit of the universe.