back to the grind:
what a strange kick-off. feels like the football shot in an upward spiral but when is it going to come careening back down? or go coasting towards the goal-posts? i'm not very sure.
i must share even if in rereading i feel a compulsion to backspace.
this has been the longest i've gone without a love interest, boyfriend, crush, infatuation, make-out pal, cosmic soulmate. what have you...
i've been settling into it for the past several months. four to be exact. i realize this is not very long, but you will simply have to trust me when i say i feel like it's been ages since i've been close to someone. am i sad? very much so sometimes.
am i starry eyed with all the things i'm considering for my life and future now that i have no one, and i mean no one, to squeeze into the parameters of my plans? all the time.
i'm not running and i'm indulging in my celibacy with cookies and ice-cream when i feel so inclined. i'm more capable of focusing on what i'm studying and i find myself forgetting that there is no one to make me feel worthwhile when i come home after an exhausting day of everything.
my days are hardly vibrant, but they never fade to blacks and greys either. they're a tame pastel.
i'm not lackadaisical but i do possess a certain lethargy. there is no rush. no one i'm racing to spend every possible second with. maybe i like this.
i'm exhibiting more emotional self-control then ever before in my entire life. this is trully worth noting because in the past when situations such as this have bleakly arrison, i've immediately branched out to any and all old romances that would extend themselves. i'm being so good.
i will refer to my livejournal name as stupid as it is and was when i chose it years ago. it's an accurate characterization and yes, that esoteric 4mrnfatuatnjnke actually stands for something: former infatuation junkie. the "former" has never been true until now. perhaps i'll relapse. find some miserable sap to cling to. it's not so terrible an addiction. could be cocaine.
but for this moment at least, it is nice to be off of this four year binge. even with the withdrawals.
i'm writing this to say, in a gentle way, thank you, but no.
i must share even if in rereading i feel a compulsion to backspace.
this has been the longest i've gone without a love interest, boyfriend, crush, infatuation, make-out pal, cosmic soulmate. what have you...
i've been settling into it for the past several months. four to be exact. i realize this is not very long, but you will simply have to trust me when i say i feel like it's been ages since i've been close to someone. am i sad? very much so sometimes.
am i starry eyed with all the things i'm considering for my life and future now that i have no one, and i mean no one, to squeeze into the parameters of my plans? all the time.
i'm not running and i'm indulging in my celibacy with cookies and ice-cream when i feel so inclined. i'm more capable of focusing on what i'm studying and i find myself forgetting that there is no one to make me feel worthwhile when i come home after an exhausting day of everything.
my days are hardly vibrant, but they never fade to blacks and greys either. they're a tame pastel.
i'm not lackadaisical but i do possess a certain lethargy. there is no rush. no one i'm racing to spend every possible second with. maybe i like this.
i'm exhibiting more emotional self-control then ever before in my entire life. this is trully worth noting because in the past when situations such as this have bleakly arrison, i've immediately branched out to any and all old romances that would extend themselves. i'm being so good.
i will refer to my livejournal name as stupid as it is and was when i chose it years ago. it's an accurate characterization and yes, that esoteric 4mrnfatuatnjnke actually stands for something: former infatuation junkie. the "former" has never been true until now. perhaps i'll relapse. find some miserable sap to cling to. it's not so terrible an addiction. could be cocaine.
but for this moment at least, it is nice to be off of this four year binge. even with the withdrawals.
i'm writing this to say, in a gentle way, thank you, but no.