(no subject)
I can't take it. Everyday is the same, just wake up go to school come home run homework sleep. Repeat. Over and over and over again. I can't wait until highschool is over so I can just go out and do something, anything different. It's so tiring and boring and repetitive and somehow emotionally exhausting and I can't stop thinking about all this stuff that I shouldn't be thinking about and I'm just so pissed off all the time and I can't stand Nadya and I've just let it go...I always just let it go just don't say anything, never tell. Probably never going to talk again, does it matter? It should, but I just don't care. I guess I'm just that selfish. But I'm tired...I'm tired of just being the backup, the person you only go to when you're other friends are being jerks to you, or on sunday when you're bored because you can't get drunk on that day so you just call me to come over and entertain you. The last resort. Am I that pathetic? People ask what I did this weekend. Ha. Nothing, of course. Pushed everyone away and the only people who are worth it anymore are off with their boyfriends. It's not their fault. I won't say anything. It's not fair to them for me to whine and be even more of a loser about it. I pushed all these people away and now I'm just too stubborn to just give in. I was strong once, or at least I pretended to be. I don't want to go back, but if I do it's admitting I'm lonely. I don't know...no one does.It's confusing. I can't admit to being wrong, I don't even really think I am wrong but I don't know what I think. I was standing up for myself, and if I go back I'll be just like all those people I hate. And now everyones moved on but I haven't because I'm an idiot of course. And I'm mad and upset but I can't say anything because I will have to admit to so much and I always thought it would just come back and it would be great and I would be happy...we would be happy. But it didn't and if it did I would have hated myself and I need something. I need something new, I need new people and new clothes and new lifestyle and new me but it feels like there's nothing there and it's just the same day.