People First
****Disclaimer: This is me, sharing my weaknesses and being open and honest, and is in NO way intended to make ANYONE feel badly.****
Have you ever sat down to a project for "just a few minutes", only to emerge as if from a fog hours later? That happens to me too often and is one of my worst faults. I always wanted to take my mom's advise about working at something for just 15 minutes a day till it's done, but I REALLY struggle to work that way. Single-minded to a fault, that's how I can be.
So, recently I did it again. A day or two before Tirzah's party I finally identified the nagging feeling I'd been trying to ignore as one I've felt before, and nearly always too late. I get it when I get too into editing photos, cleaning a closet, browsing Facebook, or sewing. Unfortunately, I'm skilled at ignoring it and only recognize it as a warning that I've forgotten something more important when I come out of the haze of my current project. Then it hits me full-force and I'm overwhelmed by guilt and, well, just plain overwhelmed when I look at what happened during my bodily-present mind-absence. Usually there are other jobs that have been neglected and need caught up quickly, a dark house because the sun went down and I didn't get the lamps, a meal that will be expected but which hasn't even been begun, and worst of all- two small people who show all the signs of having been largely ignored for a couple hours' time. Oh, so NOW Mama wants to talk?!
Have you ever found yourself wincing at a compliment? I'm a words of affirmation girl, through and through, but sometimes only I know the true story behind the compliment I've been given, and the truth makes me sad. So it was with Tirzah's party. I got preoccupied with making it pretty and expected everyone to stand aside while I blazed through on a mission to bring to life the image in my head. I realized what I was doing and tried to mend the damage of weeks in those last few days of my girl's 4-year-old year, but I know what each pretty decoration cost in terms of time spent not living life with my children. I know what didn't get done, and unlike the chips and salsa that didn't get served to the adults like it was supposed to, it was some important stuff.
I don't aim to be an over-achiever. I HATE hearing the comments about how much better of a Mommy I am because my child has great birthday parties, because it simply isn't true. My heart generally starts out in the right place, but the work involved leaves everyone in the dust. And fabric bunting and handmade goody bags just aren't important enough for that! I'd a thousand times rather know that I've spent time with my child than have to explain to them that "I'm doing all of this for you!" If they can't tell that, maybe it isn't true?
I thank God that this time I realized what was happening before it was too, too late. For that reason I woke Tirzah up with her photo albums in hand on her birthday morning and we looked through them together. We snuggled and took pictures together outside instead of making more party preparations. I limited my photo-taking during the lantern-launch so that I could be part of the group. I took my girl aside to spend some leisurely time while getting her hair fixed and dressing her for her party, rather than hurrying through the process. I danced with the girls, like she'd wished.... that's probably when the chips and salsa didn't happen. Those memories mean infinitely more to me than the decorations or the piñata or anything. I'll wager she'd say the same if asked, and if not now, later.
I love giving elaborate parties. I want all the children who come to have a wonderful time. I'm sure I can't let go of that. I am a perfectionist and I want to be extravagant in the gifts I give my children and husband, but I'm praying for help to make time to smile into their faces at the same time. God, help me remember always that it's people, people, people over great food, perfectly clean houses, impeccable decor, fat bank accounts, personal fulfillment, or tissue puffballs. *Especially* tissue puffballs.
Have you ever sat down to a project for "just a few minutes", only to emerge as if from a fog hours later? That happens to me too often and is one of my worst faults. I always wanted to take my mom's advise about working at something for just 15 minutes a day till it's done, but I REALLY struggle to work that way. Single-minded to a fault, that's how I can be.
So, recently I did it again. A day or two before Tirzah's party I finally identified the nagging feeling I'd been trying to ignore as one I've felt before, and nearly always too late. I get it when I get too into editing photos, cleaning a closet, browsing Facebook, or sewing. Unfortunately, I'm skilled at ignoring it and only recognize it as a warning that I've forgotten something more important when I come out of the haze of my current project. Then it hits me full-force and I'm overwhelmed by guilt and, well, just plain overwhelmed when I look at what happened during my bodily-present mind-absence. Usually there are other jobs that have been neglected and need caught up quickly, a dark house because the sun went down and I didn't get the lamps, a meal that will be expected but which hasn't even been begun, and worst of all- two small people who show all the signs of having been largely ignored for a couple hours' time. Oh, so NOW Mama wants to talk?!
Have you ever found yourself wincing at a compliment? I'm a words of affirmation girl, through and through, but sometimes only I know the true story behind the compliment I've been given, and the truth makes me sad. So it was with Tirzah's party. I got preoccupied with making it pretty and expected everyone to stand aside while I blazed through on a mission to bring to life the image in my head. I realized what I was doing and tried to mend the damage of weeks in those last few days of my girl's 4-year-old year, but I know what each pretty decoration cost in terms of time spent not living life with my children. I know what didn't get done, and unlike the chips and salsa that didn't get served to the adults like it was supposed to, it was some important stuff.
I don't aim to be an over-achiever. I HATE hearing the comments about how much better of a Mommy I am because my child has great birthday parties, because it simply isn't true. My heart generally starts out in the right place, but the work involved leaves everyone in the dust. And fabric bunting and handmade goody bags just aren't important enough for that! I'd a thousand times rather know that I've spent time with my child than have to explain to them that "I'm doing all of this for you!" If they can't tell that, maybe it isn't true?
I thank God that this time I realized what was happening before it was too, too late. For that reason I woke Tirzah up with her photo albums in hand on her birthday morning and we looked through them together. We snuggled and took pictures together outside instead of making more party preparations. I limited my photo-taking during the lantern-launch so that I could be part of the group. I took my girl aside to spend some leisurely time while getting her hair fixed and dressing her for her party, rather than hurrying through the process. I danced with the girls, like she'd wished.... that's probably when the chips and salsa didn't happen. Those memories mean infinitely more to me than the decorations or the piñata or anything. I'll wager she'd say the same if asked, and if not now, later.
I love giving elaborate parties. I want all the children who come to have a wonderful time. I'm sure I can't let go of that. I am a perfectionist and I want to be extravagant in the gifts I give my children and husband, but I'm praying for help to make time to smile into their faces at the same time. God, help me remember always that it's people, people, people over great food, perfectly clean houses, impeccable decor, fat bank accounts, personal fulfillment, or tissue puffballs. *Especially* tissue puffballs.