Tension in the Shoulders
I feel restless.
Like I'm still going in circles. Like I'm still not getting the point of being here (meaning Europe). Like I'm still the same old same old.
I want to do more with life, but I'm fearful! I've fettered myself to responsibility to the point where I've become it's slave. I'm a very timid person - I've taken something beautiful - humility - and have twisted it into something ugly - self loathing. I've taken the fact that I'm not going to be at the top (whether academically or whatever) and have turned it into just throwing my hands up at the slightest provocation and saying " I don't really know - I'll get back to you on that." I think I have nothing valuable to say, nor can I say whatever I may have to say well.
Have you ever been in this spot? Where there's so much of you dying to get out, but you keep building the walls up higher to keep it in?
I try to be strong enough to get along without other people. It's terribly lame, I know, but to open myself up to others means to make myself vulnerable to them, to take the risk that, I'll be rejected, that I won't be good enough. And I'm talking about just being friends with people, not even to touch on romance. How can I be so selfish to withhold my love and friendship from other people to keep myself from getting hurt?
I don't know. I'm hoping that things will change, but I also know that I have to take the first steps and stop building the walls and break them down instead.
Like I'm still going in circles. Like I'm still not getting the point of being here (meaning Europe). Like I'm still the same old same old.
I want to do more with life, but I'm fearful! I've fettered myself to responsibility to the point where I've become it's slave. I'm a very timid person - I've taken something beautiful - humility - and have twisted it into something ugly - self loathing. I've taken the fact that I'm not going to be at the top (whether academically or whatever) and have turned it into just throwing my hands up at the slightest provocation and saying " I don't really know - I'll get back to you on that." I think I have nothing valuable to say, nor can I say whatever I may have to say well.
Have you ever been in this spot? Where there's so much of you dying to get out, but you keep building the walls up higher to keep it in?
I try to be strong enough to get along without other people. It's terribly lame, I know, but to open myself up to others means to make myself vulnerable to them, to take the risk that, I'll be rejected, that I won't be good enough. And I'm talking about just being friends with people, not even to touch on romance. How can I be so selfish to withhold my love and friendship from other people to keep myself from getting hurt?
I don't know. I'm hoping that things will change, but I also know that I have to take the first steps and stop building the walls and break them down instead.