Cause that would mean you love me, and that would mean you care......
Latly i wish i was a lot of thing..........smart, funny, pretty, nice..............stupid things like that, but most of all i wish i could be happy. i always look for happiness in the wrong places, in the wrong people, in the wrong ways...... i duno what happend. i used to be happy. really genuinly happy for a long time, and yeah some things i did were bad i guess. i know that but is something ok if they make your life better? is it always so wrong to try to escape? thats all my life ever was, an esacpe, it doesnt even matter what im escaping from but i never had to look for good things to run from and even bad things to run towards, anything that takes me away from reality. i really cant stand to be here i hate everything that i know. i want to leave, if i could live somewhere else i would..... i need something more than this, maybe not more but different. i find myself thinking things i thought and promised myself thoghts i would never think again, and thoughts arent actions but all the same its hard, everything is hard, i dont know how many times i right that. i wish i didnt have to put on a happy face, an act for everyone. no one knows and for a while i liked it that way, but i am so tired of hiding it, of acting happy, i know how fake i am and i am deiscusted with my self for it. i look at myself in the mirror and want to beat the shit out of the liar, the impersinator that i see. its not even like things are bad, its just this place and this same old life. i just cant be happy, i dont even have the slightest clue what would make me happy?? I WANT SO MUCH TO KNOW WHAT IT IS, AND IF FAKING WOULD'NT MAKE ME FEEL SO HORRIBLE ID DO IT FOREVER, STUCK SUFFOCATING AND DEAD IN MY BODY AND MY FEELINGS......REACHING FOR THE END THAT WILL NEVER COME!