i'm lost and my heart can't handle this
You are my every reason; my every
hope && every dream ii've ever had
&& no matter what happens to us in'
the future, [ e v e r y day ] we were
together were the best days of my life
so today im home alone and i just feel like writing.
in my head i know exactly how i feel but when i write it out it seems so much different.. why is it that after being hurt so much and hurting someone else in return i still cannot let go? have i lost respect for myself or am i waiting for things to get better? and if i am waiting for things to get better am i being realistic or nieve?.. i feel like im trying to hold on to something that isnt there. am i supposed to wait for you to finish whatever it is that your into right now with out a guarentee that it will be me who you will want at the end of this? you always said "what if you meet someone and you fall in love with them and you dont want me anymore?" well welcome to how i feel.. youve fallen in love with the thought of having someone there for you whenever you needed them but satisfying youself with whoever you please while i sit alone and wonder what i did wrong.. ive learned that when you think things are too good to be true.. they are. im sad and alone and hurt and let down and crying and isolated and scared and yeti still keep comming back for more. i must hate myself to keep doing this. i know your going to read this and probly get angry about the things ive said but we both knew it would be easier to write them then say them out loud. im not saying your the only one at fault for this relationship going down this uneasy path. i know i havent made it easy this past month but what do you expect from me after the things ive learned? you cant possibly expect me to be okay.
you say now i know how it feels to be you, but yet you havent changed any of your ways. i cant change anymore and i would refuse to if i could.. its jsut too much, if things were meant to be you wouldnt have to change the circumstances 100 times to get things right.
i just dont know where to go from here?
_____________________________________
"now everything i do is tainted
all because i hesitated
put on this fake smile while i'm torn apart
And i am wrapped up in this silence
And i don't mean a thing..." -Adrian gibbs
The Longest Wait©
By Adrian Gibbs
Pretend i don't feel it but i know it shows
and the lines are extended so everyone knows
but no one knows
i waited but you never came
so i'll turn my back on what i thought i knew
because after this time i just can't be with you
and this is true
i waited but you never came
i cannot hide from your eyes
and there is no use trying
held my and kissed my cheek
but all the flames are dying
you know me too well
and i do not know myself
and i can see right through you
can't stop crying
in this car ride
every song i hear reminds me of you
try to deny
but every breathe in me screams "i love you"
losing sleep
and i can't keep my eyes open much longer
wipe my eyes
say our goodbyes to find that i am stronger
more hurt than you know
and it's time that we let go
and just kiss me
one last time
no more crying
when you finally come to
carry me off into the sunset
you'll say "i've always loved you"
and i'll say "i know"
so maybe i'll hold on
a little bit longer
wait for you to come around
maybe i'll just let you in.