(no subject)
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too many thoughts running through my head right now and I know I never get all what I want to say written out. if only my thoughts could be recorded then written out for me I would be good.
I was going to do that stupid 25 things note... but then realized everyone and their freakin' brother are doing it. so, I've decided to write my thoughts here instead. and not only 25 things.
for some reason earlier tonight I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown or something. I was watching tv episodes online and for some reason they always seem to make me tear up and start to think. that's when I know something I watch is good. if it makes me think. there was a lot to do with death in the episodes I watched, but I don't think I'm really scared of death exactly but it's the thought of knowing everyone around has to die, hoping I accomplish all the goals I want to before I go, feeling like it's a waste of time to be here if we're just going to die in the end.
another thing I've realized is that it seems like everyone my age age is getting married and/or pregnant. I don't want to be married before I'm 21 but I don't want to be in my late 20's either. it just seems weird to know that people are getting married so quickly when they've barely been in a relationship together to fully know the other person. I know when I get married I want to stay with that person for the rest of my life and I hope I choose the right person for me.
this pageant I'm in is stressing me out. pageants are a lot harder than you think! and I'm afraid of going in over my head with all of this but I do hope to experience something new but hope to succeed somehow too.
I went running for a little bit earlier tonight too. [after I had my slight breakdown]. but I couldn't run very far or too long because I was scared. I felt so nervous that someone was going to come up behind me or, well mostly just that. I kinda felt like I was so trapped while I was running and I couldn't escape. I couldn't go too far because it was night time and raining and you never know what could happen at night to a young female jogging in tampa. I hate the fact that I don't fully feel safe in my new home. when I live around all these nice houses that probably have security alarms, so why dare anyone come near them? when I felt more safe living in my deed restricted community in valrico though a few years ago my car was broken into and my stuff was stolen.
I feel like I need to plan something and not be so spontaneous with things. I need to set realistic goals and ACTUALLY accomplish them. I kinda hate the fact that some of the things that have occurred in my life were 'out-of-the-blue' and not planned or 'special' though if it weren't for spontaneity I wouldn't have the greatest boyfriend I could ever ask for. but I want to PLAN something. I want to go on another trip, know where I'm going to college next, know how to save money again, get a another side job, have an itinerary and know what's coming next. I like to know things.. that's why I hate surprises.
I would love to write out stuff about how I'm feeling about this 'great boyfriend' I talk about but I believe that I am happy with him no matter what. I'm grateful to have even met him. but I hate when my mind starts to think about things. think about things I can't quite tell him right away. I wish I could tell him that I, for some reason, don't like the fact that he's in a fraternity again. but I want what is best for him and his future/career because I want him to be successful and that is the main reason why he is in a fraternity [again]. I wish I could tell him that I don't like seeing pictures of him and her still on his myspace or facebook because I get this weird feeling inside me that makes my stomach turn. I think mostly cause I'm intimidated by their 4 year relationship. I mean, I've deleted some of mine so far... cause I'm trying not to dwell in the past because I'm happy where I'm at now. I wish I could tell him a few other things too. but when you've been hurt before, it's hard to trust someone completely because 'you never know' what could happen and things could fall apart.
most of the stuff i've written are kinda short, sweet, simple and to the point because if not i could probably write a 12 page essay on all my thoughts. and I didn't really want to format this like the stupid 25-things note on facebook either, because I hate being like everyone else and conforming to what others are doing all the time. plus, I'm super tired and have been waiting up all night to hear from the boy, which he was supposed to get off work about 1:30 then go practice this stupid dance thing for the fraternity he is in [which just doesn't seem like him]. and now it's 3 something in the morning and still no response.
[I have more thoughts too that I just remembered... but maybe I'll save that for another time]
off to bed now.
sweet dreams.
-kgrey
too many thoughts running through my head right now and I know I never get all what I want to say written out. if only my thoughts could be recorded then written out for me I would be good.
I was going to do that stupid 25 things note... but then realized everyone and their freakin' brother are doing it. so, I've decided to write my thoughts here instead. and not only 25 things.
for some reason earlier tonight I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown or something. I was watching tv episodes online and for some reason they always seem to make me tear up and start to think. that's when I know something I watch is good. if it makes me think. there was a lot to do with death in the episodes I watched, but I don't think I'm really scared of death exactly but it's the thought of knowing everyone around has to die, hoping I accomplish all the goals I want to before I go, feeling like it's a waste of time to be here if we're just going to die in the end.
another thing I've realized is that it seems like everyone my age age is getting married and/or pregnant. I don't want to be married before I'm 21 but I don't want to be in my late 20's either. it just seems weird to know that people are getting married so quickly when they've barely been in a relationship together to fully know the other person. I know when I get married I want to stay with that person for the rest of my life and I hope I choose the right person for me.
this pageant I'm in is stressing me out. pageants are a lot harder than you think! and I'm afraid of going in over my head with all of this but I do hope to experience something new but hope to succeed somehow too.
I went running for a little bit earlier tonight too. [after I had my slight breakdown]. but I couldn't run very far or too long because I was scared. I felt so nervous that someone was going to come up behind me or, well mostly just that. I kinda felt like I was so trapped while I was running and I couldn't escape. I couldn't go too far because it was night time and raining and you never know what could happen at night to a young female jogging in tampa. I hate the fact that I don't fully feel safe in my new home. when I live around all these nice houses that probably have security alarms, so why dare anyone come near them? when I felt more safe living in my deed restricted community in valrico though a few years ago my car was broken into and my stuff was stolen.
I feel like I need to plan something and not be so spontaneous with things. I need to set realistic goals and ACTUALLY accomplish them. I kinda hate the fact that some of the things that have occurred in my life were 'out-of-the-blue' and not planned or 'special' though if it weren't for spontaneity I wouldn't have the greatest boyfriend I could ever ask for. but I want to PLAN something. I want to go on another trip, know where I'm going to college next, know how to save money again, get a another side job, have an itinerary and know what's coming next. I like to know things.. that's why I hate surprises.
I would love to write out stuff about how I'm feeling about this 'great boyfriend' I talk about but I believe that I am happy with him no matter what. I'm grateful to have even met him. but I hate when my mind starts to think about things. think about things I can't quite tell him right away. I wish I could tell him that I, for some reason, don't like the fact that he's in a fraternity again. but I want what is best for him and his future/career because I want him to be successful and that is the main reason why he is in a fraternity [again]. I wish I could tell him that I don't like seeing pictures of him and her still on his myspace or facebook because I get this weird feeling inside me that makes my stomach turn. I think mostly cause I'm intimidated by their 4 year relationship. I mean, I've deleted some of mine so far... cause I'm trying not to dwell in the past because I'm happy where I'm at now. I wish I could tell him a few other things too. but when you've been hurt before, it's hard to trust someone completely because 'you never know' what could happen and things could fall apart.
most of the stuff i've written are kinda short, sweet, simple and to the point because if not i could probably write a 12 page essay on all my thoughts. and I didn't really want to format this like the stupid 25-things note on facebook either, because I hate being like everyone else and conforming to what others are doing all the time. plus, I'm super tired and have been waiting up all night to hear from the boy, which he was supposed to get off work about 1:30 then go practice this stupid dance thing for the fraternity he is in [which just doesn't seem like him]. and now it's 3 something in the morning and still no response.
[I have more thoughts too that I just remembered... but maybe I'll save that for another time]
off to bed now.
sweet dreams.
-kgrey