hmmm....
so yesterday was weird. it wouldve been nice if it werent for the circumstances. although there still managed to be some laughs, a lot actually, which is ok. i vowed not to cry, but that failed when they did the 21 gun salute, which was the first thing they did. my grandma cried then too, but thats kind of a duh. the woman singing kinda sucked. some of it was good, but most of it was bad. after the service and food a lot of people went to my grandmas to hang out more. there was a lot of people there, grandmas house isnt that big, but it was kinda nice. i feel weird saying its nice, given the reason we were all there. my dad got to see his cousin jeff, they spent most of their childhood together and they hadnt seen eachother in a few years, probably closer to 10 years actually. it just doesnt seem like its been that long. jeff has a daughter who is almost 5, she is a cutie. he has been married twice and divorced twice, he is engaged to another woman, she is really really nice, and jeffs daughter likes her. some people were asking my grandma if she was going to go to my grandpas marine reunion, and she said "i think i will, there is another widow..." she stopped at widow for a few moments, and then finished what she was saying. i guess it really hit her when she called herself a widow, it made me sad. last night my grandma asked me to go to church with her this moring, i said i would, but when i woke up my head was pounding and i couldnt breather very well, so i didnt go. the food from the church got sent with my grandma, and after that we brought some home. two paper plates of cupcakes, lunchmeat, random salad things, a veggie tray... so much food. a phrase i heard a lot yesterday was "sorry for your loss, but it was a lovely sermon" it kinda made me laugh, the fact that the sermon was lovely seemed to make up for the loss of my grandpa in the minds of some people. i know that thats not how they really meant it, but it seemed like it. another thing that kinda made me laugh yesterday was when the first shots went off, a dog started barking, it struck me as funny. lately i have been sick, with a bout of serious depression on top of it...i cant get out of this mood im in. i cant really help the sick part, and i suppose i cant help the depression part, but it seems like i should be able to do something to get out of this funk. i have so much on my mind, i need to get a job, mom has to get a job, money around here is very tight. actually mom might have a job, she had an interview for an assistant mananger position, and the mananger is really pushing for mom to get the job. the lady told mom that she was the only person who applied for the job that qualifies, so i think thats a pretty good indication that she has it (knock on wood). the assistang mananger job will actually lead to the management position, so that would be great. the job front for me is iffy, i could probably get a job fairly easily, but i havent tried. its partly due to the depression i suppose, but i just cant seem to get up and do it. i dont know what to do anymore. i guess i will just go with the flow and push myself to do what needs to be done. i will go now, i have most definatly typed too much. later. SAM