(no subject)
I havent written in here for almost 2 months and the reason that I am isnt a very good one. I was actually reading through some old entries and I thought it would be nice to start writing in here again. I do love journals. Well it turns out today sucked and now I am going to vent.
I will say my day started off decent. I got a 90 on my accounting test which was awesome. I didnt think I did that well. The part that sucked was that I had a headache all morning, my astronomy test didnt go so well and I just felt like such a slacker student. I knew the questions and the topics but I didnt know the depth and the details that he needed which SUCKED. Then I didnt read for INT but luckily we didnt get a quiz. I need to buckle down and start doing work again.
I think the worst part of today was the way I kept thinking about myself. Everytime I looked in the mirror I had such a self hatred for myself. I couldnt find one good thing to say about myself and I just kept bringing myself down. I had so many insecurities come out today. I almost started crying and I dont know why. I realize that every so often, I get little spurts of depression that surface but it hasnt happened in awhile and today was bad. I even thought about something that I havent thought about since sophomore year of hs. Its hard to believe that all that started 4 years ago. Wow. I think sometimes it feels like longer. Then again some days I can still remember each dark thought and that is scary. I dont know what I would have done without Jay Ridge. Too bad we arent friends anymore. He seemed to understand me more than anyone. It's times like these that I wish I had someone like him still. I dont want to scare anyone with my thoughts so I just leave it alone. I forget about it which may not be the best way to solve things. I dont know who really wants to sit there and listen to me complain. Yeah, I do it for other people but I'm weird and I like to. I would rather help people then get helped myself.
No not all my entries are going to be like this. I just feel so awful right now. GRRR this just sucks. I dont know what causes it. Is it some kind of chemical inbalance? I used to think it was related to my period cuz I would get super sad when I was PMSing but its not that time of month. I dunno. Something is just off right now. I will go to sleep and wake up tomorrow like nothing happened. I am cold, I have the chills. I dont feel like moving though. I cant even bring myself to smile. If I get up, I'll have to pass a mirror and I will look in it and think how stupid I look. It's easier to see all the negative things. Its easier to look at what you dont have, like that perfect body, perfect hair, that winnng personality. I've got big boobs, whoohoo. Thats it and I want more. I think wanting more is part of my problem. I am not happy with what I have, at least not at this moment. Feeling like this makes me think of all the rejection I have put up with. Why did Eddie and Jeff do that to me and make me think I actually had a chance with Eddie? Why didnt Sam ever want me? If Jeff claimed that he liked me why didnt he want to be with me? Why was Jr year of hs the last time I had a b/f?
whatever, time for bed
I will say my day started off decent. I got a 90 on my accounting test which was awesome. I didnt think I did that well. The part that sucked was that I had a headache all morning, my astronomy test didnt go so well and I just felt like such a slacker student. I knew the questions and the topics but I didnt know the depth and the details that he needed which SUCKED. Then I didnt read for INT but luckily we didnt get a quiz. I need to buckle down and start doing work again.
I think the worst part of today was the way I kept thinking about myself. Everytime I looked in the mirror I had such a self hatred for myself. I couldnt find one good thing to say about myself and I just kept bringing myself down. I had so many insecurities come out today. I almost started crying and I dont know why. I realize that every so often, I get little spurts of depression that surface but it hasnt happened in awhile and today was bad. I even thought about something that I havent thought about since sophomore year of hs. Its hard to believe that all that started 4 years ago. Wow. I think sometimes it feels like longer. Then again some days I can still remember each dark thought and that is scary. I dont know what I would have done without Jay Ridge. Too bad we arent friends anymore. He seemed to understand me more than anyone. It's times like these that I wish I had someone like him still. I dont want to scare anyone with my thoughts so I just leave it alone. I forget about it which may not be the best way to solve things. I dont know who really wants to sit there and listen to me complain. Yeah, I do it for other people but I'm weird and I like to. I would rather help people then get helped myself.
No not all my entries are going to be like this. I just feel so awful right now. GRRR this just sucks. I dont know what causes it. Is it some kind of chemical inbalance? I used to think it was related to my period cuz I would get super sad when I was PMSing but its not that time of month. I dunno. Something is just off right now. I will go to sleep and wake up tomorrow like nothing happened. I am cold, I have the chills. I dont feel like moving though. I cant even bring myself to smile. If I get up, I'll have to pass a mirror and I will look in it and think how stupid I look. It's easier to see all the negative things. Its easier to look at what you dont have, like that perfect body, perfect hair, that winnng personality. I've got big boobs, whoohoo. Thats it and I want more. I think wanting more is part of my problem. I am not happy with what I have, at least not at this moment. Feeling like this makes me think of all the rejection I have put up with. Why did Eddie and Jeff do that to me and make me think I actually had a chance with Eddie? Why didnt Sam ever want me? If Jeff claimed that he liked me why didnt he want to be with me? Why was Jr year of hs the last time I had a b/f?
whatever, time for bed