(no subject)
ok... i am sick and tired of being fat! but so far i'm looseing in this battle with my self hatered! i take one step forward and then two steps back.. SUCKS!! i'm on 3 different medications now that i have to take and all of them have side effects of WEIGHT GAIN! *sigh* i just can't win. i'm gonna die fat, gonna die ugly. *tears form in eyes* i hate hate hate myself for letting me get this big.. i just just...URGH!!! it feels like i'm going to have to cut out the fat myself... although i probubly never will but i feel like doing it every single day. i'm tired of people asking me "are you gonna eat that?" like i'm a horrible person because i eat. and i'm tired of people just stareing at me i feel like they are stareing at me cause i'm ugly. i cry sometimes... lately i've been depressed...
i haven't only been depressed becaue i'm fat, but because of other things too.
my meds for one make me tired (which makes me depressed) and my parents are being total jackasses, and i have friends that are being asses, and i haven't talked to my baby (boyfriend) in what seems FOREVER, i have 2 failing grades and i dont have time to make them up, my parents are makeing fun of my weight any chance they get, i'm looseing in the battle or weight loss, i keep haveing nightmares that chris will leave me if i stay fat, paranoid that chris's family will hate me and his friends too, ... all these things have been building up.
i miss my chris *sighs* he said he has good news to tell me, but hasn't been on to tell me, or hasn't called. i want to know what the good news is. i could use some good news right now.
sometimes i feel like i'm alone but i know i'm not cause i have chris. but i dont mean alone in that sence. i mean a lone like i'm the only one who understands me... people keep telling me that they do understand when they dont. (the only people who come close to understanding me is cj and chris)
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well... other than being in a "depression" i've found out i like romance novals.. ^_^ i am reading one right now about vampires and stuff.. and it's really good. the next one i'm reading is called Enchantress!O,o o,O sounds like me!! ^_^ in some ways.
i have found out i'm very open about sex.. i guess i offended a girl on my bus because i was talking to meg about sex and it "offended" her... well...um..yeah.. not my fault should ease drop. i also found out why guys like talking to me so much, they can be as open as they want to be about their sexual side, and i wont care i guess *shrugs* so many guys talk to me about crank sessions and such and it pisses me off at some points..lol. *sigh*
(chris if you're reading...um....... I LOVE YOU!! ^_^)
the older i get the more i like to have these naughty thoughts and stuff, more i think about it ( all with my sexy sexy monkey man chris though!! *bites lip* such a sexy sexy beast my chris is!!!!) i can't wait to see crhis again ^_~ *giggle*
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well i think i've ranted on long enough... night
i haven't only been depressed becaue i'm fat, but because of other things too.
my meds for one make me tired (which makes me depressed) and my parents are being total jackasses, and i have friends that are being asses, and i haven't talked to my baby (boyfriend) in what seems FOREVER, i have 2 failing grades and i dont have time to make them up, my parents are makeing fun of my weight any chance they get, i'm looseing in the battle or weight loss, i keep haveing nightmares that chris will leave me if i stay fat, paranoid that chris's family will hate me and his friends too, ... all these things have been building up.
i miss my chris *sighs* he said he has good news to tell me, but hasn't been on to tell me, or hasn't called. i want to know what the good news is. i could use some good news right now.
sometimes i feel like i'm alone but i know i'm not cause i have chris. but i dont mean alone in that sence. i mean a lone like i'm the only one who understands me... people keep telling me that they do understand when they dont. (the only people who come close to understanding me is cj and chris)
......................
well... other than being in a "depression" i've found out i like romance novals.. ^_^ i am reading one right now about vampires and stuff.. and it's really good. the next one i'm reading is called Enchantress!O,o o,O sounds like me!! ^_^ in some ways.
i have found out i'm very open about sex.. i guess i offended a girl on my bus because i was talking to meg about sex and it "offended" her... well...um..yeah.. not my fault should ease drop. i also found out why guys like talking to me so much, they can be as open as they want to be about their sexual side, and i wont care i guess *shrugs* so many guys talk to me about crank sessions and such and it pisses me off at some points..lol. *sigh*
(chris if you're reading...um....... I LOVE YOU!! ^_^)
the older i get the more i like to have these naughty thoughts and stuff, more i think about it ( all with my sexy sexy monkey man chris though!! *bites lip* such a sexy sexy beast my chris is!!!!) i can't wait to see crhis again ^_~ *giggle*
....................
well i think i've ranted on long enough... night