The Origin of Love
Is it weird that I have so many exes on my facebook friend's list? That's a question that I ask myself every now and again, usually prompted by someone else's reaction to a story about tell about an ex, where it somehow comes up that we, in point of fact, are friends on facebook. While I'd say the easy answer to this question is no, that these were all people I cared about deeply for a reason, buy I think there's more to it than that. I look back on these relationships and realize what I learned from each one. I've always though marriage was much easier than kids because you get to have practice marriages (aka dating) where you get to figure things out. You test out what you like, what you're comfortable with, what you have to give and work toward finding the person who fits with that. Really, there have been five REAL relationships in my life. Each them taught me something important and helped me to become who I am now.
The first one was that young, dumb, idealistic first love. We were passionate and made promises that were absolutely ridiculous in retrospect. Hell, they were pretty ridiculous at the time. But the people we were at those moments meant those things. In the end, it turned out that we were meant to be good friends. Years after we broke up and stopped talking to each other (because really, it didn't end well) there came a moment where she was going through some scary stuff and no one else was around and she came to me for help. And I think it was because even though our dating life didn't pan out, she always knew that I cared about her. We ended up rekindling our friendship after that. At various moments between then and now, I pushed to date the guy she ended up marrying, she let me live with her when I didn't have anywhere else to go, I was even a bridesmaid in her wedding and most recently, we went together to our 20 year high school reunion because we were both in town at the same time and hadn't had the chance to hang out in a LONG time. What this lovely woman taught me was what it means to care beyond what's going on in the moment. I cared about her before we dated because she was a good friend. Dating and breaking up didn't change that. And when the chips were down, I still cared about her after and continue to even now.
The second was a woman who I was very close with for years, but never dated. Early in our friendship, I wanted to date her, but that wasn't where she was. At other times, she wanted to date me, but I was not in the same place that she was. At one point, a man proposed to her. She called me to tell me and asked me to marry her because she knew that she couldn't marry him if I'd marry her (bear in mind that to this day, we've never even made out). I had just gotten out of another relationship and wasn't in any shape to date let alone get married. She stalled. Eventually, years later, she did decide to marry him. Upon hearing this, I of course called her and asked her not to marry him, but to marry me instead. She said to me, "Blake, everyone I know is against this wedding. Everyone is saying it's a mistake. But this is what I want and I really need you to support me in it" (or something like that). And god damn it, I was her biggest fucking cheerleader even when her grandmother, after the wedding, in the receiving line, said to me that she had always those the two of us would end up married (in full earshot of the groom). What I learned in this relationship was that really loving someone means that sometimes you have to put what's important to them before what's important to you.
The third was the hardest. To even attempt to describe our relationship would sound like the Jerry Springer Show. But I think the real reason it was hardest was because I was more in love with her than with anyone I'd ever met prior to my wife. It didn't end well. I ended up living with her and her boyfriend for a while a number of months after we broke up because we played in a band together and really, I just wanted to still be around her. I enjoyed her company and wanted to keep hanging out (I enjoyed his too as he and I were close friends as well), but in the end it was just too hard to be there and I moved away. Several states away. Now what did I learn from this? Well, I see her on facebook and I see pictures of her with her family, I see pictures of her kids and it just makes me smile to know that she's in love and has a family and is happy. Because some things just aren't meant to be and it's REALLY healthy to identify them as quickly as possible. Or more to the point, it's really unhealthy to try and make something work that just isn't going to work.
Forth was a woman I met after I had made plans to move away from where I had been living. She, likewise, had plans to pick up her life and relocate. So we hung out and made a point not to date each other. We did however spend a fair amount of time drinking and we all know that being attracted to people and alcohol make for bad decisions. I can't speak for her, but I got closer to her than I meant to. I have to say that the time we spent together was fun. We really just had a lot of fun. And she was the cause of my most prolific writing period (she gave me a lot to try and figure out). I loved her family. I LOVED her parents house. Her close friends were awesome. But as time has a way of catching up, it came time to move. I packed up and left town. We hung out a few times afterward. Eventually, I got engaged and moved FURTHER away and she packed up and left town too. What I took away from that was to take the gifts you receive for what they are. That handful of months was such a really amazing time and she was such an amazing woman.
The Fifth is the really fun part. The fifth is the only woman I'll identify because she is my dear and lovely wife (whom I always refer to as my dear and lovely wife). What I realized was that without the previous four relationships, I would have never been in the position to be with my wife. From the first, I learned that when I'm having an argument with my wife and we're pissed off getting all up in each other's faces about things, it's okay because we both know that regardless of that moment and that issue, we still care about each other and will continue to love each other. The argument will not change how we feel about each other, it only represents how we feel about the issue. From the second I learned that sometimes my wife's happiness IS my happiness. Not always mind you, but owning how it feels to know my wife is happy is truly transcendental. From the third I learned that when you're not trying to force something that isn't right, both people can put their energy into what is supposed to happen and everyone ends up happier in the end. Now what that meant for us was that I also learned that when something IS right, you should go full speed ahead. There were a lot of obstacles in our way (like immigration for instance) and the "smart" or easy choice would have been to have some kicks and move on. But I knew it was right and that if I put in the time and energy we would be happier in the end. Lastly, from the forth I leaned to accept that I was allowed to be happy in my marriage and accept it. So many times I thought I wasn't worthy of someone else I spent so much time and energy trying to figure out how my relationships worked or were supposed to work that I just forgot to be in the relationship. From day one, I just accepted that this is what we have and I don't waste my time wondering about how it works or what it is. I really do think that these things allowed me to grow to the point where I was ready to be with my wife. Without those other relationships I would have completely screwed this up. Now that I'm here and have been for quite some time now, I should also point out that I've learned a lot from my wife too. Her ability to see things as they are and discuss them honestly and openly has helped me to become a better person (which is really hard to do because I'm pretty fully of myself). Moving here to be with her as taught me what I'm capable of handing something is important. She's taught me about responsibility and so much about parenting (which I kind of suck at). Really, she's seen me at my worst and when it comes down to it, she's taught me that I'm loved regardless of anything else.
If this was some sort of planned writing, I likely would have posted it on some more appropriate day or something, but really, I just couldn't sleep and this is what I was thinking about. Long story short, thanks to all the people who honored me with love and/or friendship at some point in their lives. I doesn't go unnoticed, forgotten or unappreciated.
I probably should have proofread this, but it's midnight now and I have to be up before 6 for work :oÞ
The first one was that young, dumb, idealistic first love. We were passionate and made promises that were absolutely ridiculous in retrospect. Hell, they were pretty ridiculous at the time. But the people we were at those moments meant those things. In the end, it turned out that we were meant to be good friends. Years after we broke up and stopped talking to each other (because really, it didn't end well) there came a moment where she was going through some scary stuff and no one else was around and she came to me for help. And I think it was because even though our dating life didn't pan out, she always knew that I cared about her. We ended up rekindling our friendship after that. At various moments between then and now, I pushed to date the guy she ended up marrying, she let me live with her when I didn't have anywhere else to go, I was even a bridesmaid in her wedding and most recently, we went together to our 20 year high school reunion because we were both in town at the same time and hadn't had the chance to hang out in a LONG time. What this lovely woman taught me was what it means to care beyond what's going on in the moment. I cared about her before we dated because she was a good friend. Dating and breaking up didn't change that. And when the chips were down, I still cared about her after and continue to even now.
The second was a woman who I was very close with for years, but never dated. Early in our friendship, I wanted to date her, but that wasn't where she was. At other times, she wanted to date me, but I was not in the same place that she was. At one point, a man proposed to her. She called me to tell me and asked me to marry her because she knew that she couldn't marry him if I'd marry her (bear in mind that to this day, we've never even made out). I had just gotten out of another relationship and wasn't in any shape to date let alone get married. She stalled. Eventually, years later, she did decide to marry him. Upon hearing this, I of course called her and asked her not to marry him, but to marry me instead. She said to me, "Blake, everyone I know is against this wedding. Everyone is saying it's a mistake. But this is what I want and I really need you to support me in it" (or something like that). And god damn it, I was her biggest fucking cheerleader even when her grandmother, after the wedding, in the receiving line, said to me that she had always those the two of us would end up married (in full earshot of the groom). What I learned in this relationship was that really loving someone means that sometimes you have to put what's important to them before what's important to you.
The third was the hardest. To even attempt to describe our relationship would sound like the Jerry Springer Show. But I think the real reason it was hardest was because I was more in love with her than with anyone I'd ever met prior to my wife. It didn't end well. I ended up living with her and her boyfriend for a while a number of months after we broke up because we played in a band together and really, I just wanted to still be around her. I enjoyed her company and wanted to keep hanging out (I enjoyed his too as he and I were close friends as well), but in the end it was just too hard to be there and I moved away. Several states away. Now what did I learn from this? Well, I see her on facebook and I see pictures of her with her family, I see pictures of her kids and it just makes me smile to know that she's in love and has a family and is happy. Because some things just aren't meant to be and it's REALLY healthy to identify them as quickly as possible. Or more to the point, it's really unhealthy to try and make something work that just isn't going to work.
Forth was a woman I met after I had made plans to move away from where I had been living. She, likewise, had plans to pick up her life and relocate. So we hung out and made a point not to date each other. We did however spend a fair amount of time drinking and we all know that being attracted to people and alcohol make for bad decisions. I can't speak for her, but I got closer to her than I meant to. I have to say that the time we spent together was fun. We really just had a lot of fun. And she was the cause of my most prolific writing period (she gave me a lot to try and figure out). I loved her family. I LOVED her parents house. Her close friends were awesome. But as time has a way of catching up, it came time to move. I packed up and left town. We hung out a few times afterward. Eventually, I got engaged and moved FURTHER away and she packed up and left town too. What I took away from that was to take the gifts you receive for what they are. That handful of months was such a really amazing time and she was such an amazing woman.
The Fifth is the really fun part. The fifth is the only woman I'll identify because she is my dear and lovely wife (whom I always refer to as my dear and lovely wife). What I realized was that without the previous four relationships, I would have never been in the position to be with my wife. From the first, I learned that when I'm having an argument with my wife and we're pissed off getting all up in each other's faces about things, it's okay because we both know that regardless of that moment and that issue, we still care about each other and will continue to love each other. The argument will not change how we feel about each other, it only represents how we feel about the issue. From the second I learned that sometimes my wife's happiness IS my happiness. Not always mind you, but owning how it feels to know my wife is happy is truly transcendental. From the third I learned that when you're not trying to force something that isn't right, both people can put their energy into what is supposed to happen and everyone ends up happier in the end. Now what that meant for us was that I also learned that when something IS right, you should go full speed ahead. There were a lot of obstacles in our way (like immigration for instance) and the "smart" or easy choice would have been to have some kicks and move on. But I knew it was right and that if I put in the time and energy we would be happier in the end. Lastly, from the forth I leaned to accept that I was allowed to be happy in my marriage and accept it. So many times I thought I wasn't worthy of someone else I spent so much time and energy trying to figure out how my relationships worked or were supposed to work that I just forgot to be in the relationship. From day one, I just accepted that this is what we have and I don't waste my time wondering about how it works or what it is. I really do think that these things allowed me to grow to the point where I was ready to be with my wife. Without those other relationships I would have completely screwed this up. Now that I'm here and have been for quite some time now, I should also point out that I've learned a lot from my wife too. Her ability to see things as they are and discuss them honestly and openly has helped me to become a better person (which is really hard to do because I'm pretty fully of myself). Moving here to be with her as taught me what I'm capable of handing something is important. She's taught me about responsibility and so much about parenting (which I kind of suck at). Really, she's seen me at my worst and when it comes down to it, she's taught me that I'm loved regardless of anything else.
If this was some sort of planned writing, I likely would have posted it on some more appropriate day or something, but really, I just couldn't sleep and this is what I was thinking about. Long story short, thanks to all the people who honored me with love and/or friendship at some point in their lives. I doesn't go unnoticed, forgotten or unappreciated.
I probably should have proofread this, but it's midnight now and I have to be up before 6 for work :oÞ