too close
Life's been pretty simple nowadays.
I get up, I take a bath, choose clothes, prepare pack lunch and breakfast, then off to work.
Home by 6:30 pm. Eat dinner, brush teeth, off to gelai.
Watch tv til 10:30 pm then sleep til 5:20 am.
And though it's a lot more simpler and somewhat dull, I don't feel restless anymore
There are still some tantrums and 'I hate the world' moods but most days I'm okay.
Next week, I'll be out of the country.
first time in my 24 years of existence.
It is something I've always wanted to do but now that it's going to happen I don't feel excited nor do I look forward to it. Tsk. signs of aging. apathy and dullness.
"someday we'll get together, and it will be just like the old times.."
a hopeful thought.. i wrote this in one of the letters that will never reach destination. Because I will not send it. And i don't think I'll regret it. the last time we talk was ages ago. the last time we talk, with connection was .. oh, i forgot.. i can't even come up with a proper memory. it's soo old it's like a scene from a 50's movie.
Whenever I'm feeling abused and tired and ready to explode, this text message enters my mind.. "To err is human, to forgive is divine.." it does not always pacify me, in fact most of the time it makes me more angry because it's like saying that I should have given more. But it makes me stop and think. Maybe angrier but with a little more patience.
"Life is not fair, you get what you tolerate and accept.." from bo sanchez.
I found this logical because it must be the reason for some of the shitty things that happened in my life. I made them happen, because subconsciously I believe that it is what i deserved. And it all boils down again to my looow self esteem..
I realized how weak I am. And how insignificant my contributions will be without others help. That I can't multitask. It's either I'm excellent at work or I suck at it but good at something else. That controlling my emotions is one of my most difficult lifelong task because the moment I lose control, it will control me and ruin everything I have ever cared for. That I'm not good at taking care of myself, because i can be self destructive. That I'm a better friend when my life is in order. And that no one can ever hurt me more than I can hurt myself. And that my most dreadful enemy lies within.
and so I can't be too careless nor too careful. i can't love and not hurt myself in the process. I'm just not made of sterner stuff. My definition of life is as simple as that of a five-year old. I don't know how to play adult's game of hiding and overpowering one another. Saying I love you then looking for another. Saying I'm your friend but with limitations. I have problem with letting go. Changes are easy if it doesn't include the few things that make life worth living. And yes, moving on is like a stroll in the park if it doesn't include letting go.. I can never move on and leave someone I love behind. No way. Better yet, take me first. It's nonsense really. living without love.
but..I can't get too close again. a few more borders and a hundred miles distance. No, I don't want to fall for that smile again. Nor appreciate the sheer perfection of how god made you. No. I'm taking over. I just don't deserve you. I deserve better.
I get up, I take a bath, choose clothes, prepare pack lunch and breakfast, then off to work.
Home by 6:30 pm. Eat dinner, brush teeth, off to gelai.
Watch tv til 10:30 pm then sleep til 5:20 am.
And though it's a lot more simpler and somewhat dull, I don't feel restless anymore
There are still some tantrums and 'I hate the world' moods but most days I'm okay.
Next week, I'll be out of the country.
first time in my 24 years of existence.
It is something I've always wanted to do but now that it's going to happen I don't feel excited nor do I look forward to it. Tsk. signs of aging. apathy and dullness.
"someday we'll get together, and it will be just like the old times.."
a hopeful thought.. i wrote this in one of the letters that will never reach destination. Because I will not send it. And i don't think I'll regret it. the last time we talk was ages ago. the last time we talk, with connection was .. oh, i forgot.. i can't even come up with a proper memory. it's soo old it's like a scene from a 50's movie.
Whenever I'm feeling abused and tired and ready to explode, this text message enters my mind.. "To err is human, to forgive is divine.." it does not always pacify me, in fact most of the time it makes me more angry because it's like saying that I should have given more. But it makes me stop and think. Maybe angrier but with a little more patience.
"Life is not fair, you get what you tolerate and accept.." from bo sanchez.
I found this logical because it must be the reason for some of the shitty things that happened in my life. I made them happen, because subconsciously I believe that it is what i deserved. And it all boils down again to my looow self esteem..
I realized how weak I am. And how insignificant my contributions will be without others help. That I can't multitask. It's either I'm excellent at work or I suck at it but good at something else. That controlling my emotions is one of my most difficult lifelong task because the moment I lose control, it will control me and ruin everything I have ever cared for. That I'm not good at taking care of myself, because i can be self destructive. That I'm a better friend when my life is in order. And that no one can ever hurt me more than I can hurt myself. And that my most dreadful enemy lies within.
and so I can't be too careless nor too careful. i can't love and not hurt myself in the process. I'm just not made of sterner stuff. My definition of life is as simple as that of a five-year old. I don't know how to play adult's game of hiding and overpowering one another. Saying I love you then looking for another. Saying I'm your friend but with limitations. I have problem with letting go. Changes are easy if it doesn't include the few things that make life worth living. And yes, moving on is like a stroll in the park if it doesn't include letting go.. I can never move on and leave someone I love behind. No way. Better yet, take me first. It's nonsense really. living without love.
but..I can't get too close again. a few more borders and a hundred miles distance. No, I don't want to fall for that smile again. Nor appreciate the sheer perfection of how god made you. No. I'm taking over. I just don't deserve you. I deserve better.