Dec 12, 2011 21:51
There are a hell of a lot of reality TV shows out there. I'm not talking about documentary style either, like Up the documentary series that started in 1964 and documented the lives of fourteen British school children from the ages of 7 years old to 49 years old. One documentary was made every seven years of their lives. No, I'm talking about camera crews documenting regular (and usually not so regular) people twenty four hours a day, seven days a week (yes, we all know the results are edited in a way to make ordinary events look "extraordinary"). Let's take a glance at just a few:
There is a reality show about women who dress their toddler children up like a 50-something-year-old bar fly, then make them cat walk like a pro! Seriously? These "little girls" are creepy as hell! I suspect they aren't girls, but rather Lollipop Guild members who are pissed that they didn't make it into the Lullaby League. There is nothing sweet and adorable about a pissed off Munchkin, and from the commercials I've seen these little Toddlers in Tiaras are pissed off a lot! Okay, I admit it...I have never actually seen this show, just commercials. But come on! It's freaking SCARY!!!
There is another show about Bitchy Brides. What? Why? Okay, come on girls. We've all been the brides maid, or sister of, or in some kind of contact and involvement with a girl who when single seemed a little off, a little on edge. Then BAM! She gets engaged and it's like Satan finally broke through the walls of his hellish cage and inhabited the body of this once slightly nice girl. And wouldn't you know it! The first thing Satan wants to do is have "the perfect wedding!" Nothing is good enough, no one is helpful, it's all a big bundle of snot tears and "OH NO YOU DIDN'T! BITCH IS GOING DOWN!" All so some spoiled brat can have her perfect princess day. I've seen an episode or two of this show, and let me tell you, it's one of the reasons I resist marriage. Anything to avoid that hot mess of a situation!
If you are less into kids and family and achieving that old nuclear family goal...well step on over to a show where they document men who crawl through a swamp, or sail around in the dark of night looking for the "biggest mother F***ing monster I's ever see'd in maw life!" You know these are the type of guys who watch WWE for the realism.
Or how about a reality show about a guy who intentionally gets him self lost in one desperate disaster after another. Like that time he went out into the Sahara Dessert with nothing but a knife...and HE LIVED. Okay, this guy is actually pretty cool! I mean come on! His real name is Bear, but they nick named him "Survivor Man!" That is a total superhero name! I'm going to ignore the fact that he may or may not have drank his own urine...I didn't see that episode.
Okay maybe you want something "wild" but a little more "urban." Well step on over to the Jersey Shore! I find this show to be a fascinating anthropological study of one facet of human nature. Yeah, right, who am I kidding, I LOVE THE DRAMA! I mean come on! This type of reality show is the General Hospital of the current generation! You've got couples falling in "love", then having loud obnoxious fights in public locations. These fights of course end in snot tears and vows to never get back together with that "juice head gorilla." Or "skanky ho." Watching this show makes my Saturday nights spent at home in front of the TV alone, seem less pathetic and sad, and more safe and calm. I may be alone, but at least no one is pulling my hair while a club full of 'roided up dudes tries to catch a glimpse of my girly bits.
Or how about people who collect things...a lot. You have your average Hoarder. They seem to collect everything, from trash to...well...everything. Then you have Hoarders who are in danger of being buried alive. Not sure what the diffidence is between the two types, other than maybe one group doesn't know how to stack a pile so as to avoid being...well..buried alive. Then we have people who hoard animals. Yes, that is right...these people hoard animals. Now before you say something like "Oh! That is sweet! They are taking in the homeless animals who would otherwise be put to sleep by a government agency!" No, this is not a good thing...these people are sick and disturbed. One woman had over 80 dogs...in a trailer. Not a double wide, bot a mobile home that doesn't move....no...a trailer being supported by tire chucks and cinder blocks. I can't describe the horrors these poor animals went through.
Okay, on to more cheery subjects, like Shipping! Yes...shipping. A reality show about dudes who crate shit up and ship it....the only way this show would be cool is if you had employees from FedEx and UPS fight each other to the death! That is SHIPPING EXCITEMENT!!! Yeah, I haven't seen this show either...nor do I plan on seeing it.
Maybe you've been in the dating world for a bit and you're thinking to yourself "DUDE! There are no eligible, attractive, real, down to earth, rich men/women left in the world!" Well let the Bachelor or Bachelorette help restore your faith in the Dating Game! This is a show where a man or woman makes members of the opposite sex play games in order to impress them enough to propose after what to me is similar to speed dating everyday for a few months straight. I just don't know why the divorce rate is so high these days! Anti-Gay Marriage supporters talk about "gay marriage being the downfall of the family unit" but they don't say jack shit about this! Come on! THIS IS THE DOWNFALL! This right here!! People who treat marriage like a game!!!
Speaking of treating marriage like a game, let's talk about Wife Swap! This is a show where women switch houses with another woman. To me this sounds like an extended version of a 70's Swinger Party. She lives with another woman's husband and kids, and for part of it follows house rules, and for part of it, stirs shit up and usually pisses the husband off. She gives sugarless kids candy, and sugared kids vegetables. She usually berates the husband for being too weak, or too tough. By far the best episode ever of this though was the religious nut bag who swore Satan resided in the house in which she had been placed and had to leave before she died a sinner. The network that ran this show ended up paying for her two daughters to go to college...in order to get them out of her house for ever.
Okay forget marriage, kids, and being buried alive by collectible dolls...shit's about to get real! Have you ever seen a car running with the door open, and the owner of said car no where to be seen? What do you do sport? WHAT DO YOU DO? Well the popular decision seems to be "steal that shit!" Yes, that's right...in the ever more popular reality show Bait Car you get to watch dumb shits steal a car that is riddled with hidden cameras and a remote engine stop. Oh! And the doors lock and you're ass is only getting out when your escort to prison arrives. I think my favorite episode was when the police team lost the bait car after a crack head stole it. It was eventually recovered 5 hours later...and all the footage of the crack head lighting up and driving around was found. There is nothing more entertaining than a crack head with friends!
I'm a little worried...this is what TV is coming to...sitcoms and one hour prime time dramas are becoming a thing of the past...and instead we are tuning in to interpretations of our modern world. I'm also a little worried about our modern world...there seem to be more freak flags flying than ever these days. And they are all WAY freakier than my flag...