pretty eyed boys girls die to trust
early in the winter, on a really sunny day, i got up and got ready into my favorite punk clothes. then put on make-up and that eyeliner i was infamous for in 8th grade my mom always made fun of me for. i put on my chuck t's and walked down the street from my friend's to meet darren in his car to go to his house. the walk was nice, it was cold but a nice crisp fresh winter breeze and a fresh snow. i felt pretty good, but i had butterflies in my stomach, the nervous kind i always had when i was about to see darren. my parents didn't know about him, he was frobidden without them actually saying anything. i was 13, he was 16, i met him after a show, my friend introduced us. he drive a car, had a tattoo already and some piercings. when we first started hanging out, i thought he was just the shit, basically. after time his charm wore off but i had some addiction to that crazy nervous feeling i got whenever we were together. my stomach felt like a dolphin doing flips and circles in ocean water, or that feeling you get when you ingest something bad and you get the cold/hot feeling. i watched my every move, planned my every word when i was with him, as if he was judging me and taking notes. i was so afraid to mess up in front of him, i almost took two hours to even get ready to see him, at first.
now he was my "boyfriend" now. as in, we liked each other and made the make it or break it move of the "will you go out with me?" i said yes, and i was entralled for weeks; everyday was like the best day of my life. i didn't really have feelings for him, i wasn't in love, not even close. i think i just wanted him because he was everything i thought i wanted to be, he was the "cool" kid, i was just in lust, as i later found out. i was 13, what was i doing with a 16 year old? better yet, what was he doing with me? on my way to his car, i remembered the show from the night before with my friend, a bunch of bands i'd never heard of before with screaming i didn't want to hear again. and my dad thought i listened to bad music. i still played along, hung out with the cool crowd darren and my friend got me into. skinny, pale girls with make-up that would make my mom think i was plain and clothes that made your eyes scream. guys that made you feel like you had to be tough, with tattoos and piercings all over, it made darren look wimpy. they were all older, much older. they didn't know i was 13, my friend told them i was 16 and they believed it. darren and her kept it quite so they didn't look bad too. their friends liked me, i fit in well but i always had to shed my skin when i got home so i could remember who i really was.
after walking past a few houses that hadn't woken up yet, i saw his beat up old car his father gave him. i opened the door, gave him a shy smile and slid into the seat. he gave me a little kiss and we went to his house. his mother was home, she was 30, on her way to her day job that she entertained herself with until her night job as a stripper. i'd never known a stripped before, but she was nice. i always felt relaxed in her presence, as apposed to my pounding heart and sick stomach around darren. i smiled wider at the kiss he gave me again as we went inside, my cheek hurt whenever i did from the mosh pit i was in the night before. it was bruised but he pretended not to see it. we spent the day together, smoking pot and laughing about nothing, really. we watched episodes of south park he had on dvd, and ate. we did this a lot, or went to a show or did this at some other friend's of his house.
he would lean in and kiss me a lot, moving closer and further everytime. it made my stomach sway and surge everytime, like you'd feel if you were about to accept candy from a stranger and get into his car. i never really noticed or accepted what that really meant to me, in relation to darren. he kept whispering that he wanted more, he wanted to go upstairs, telling me how beautiful or hot i was, saying it as if he was telling it to me for the first time. i knew what he wanted, so i inched away everytime he leaned it, he thought i was teasing. to please him, i finally went with him upstairs and repeated my same performance until we heard someone coming up the stairs and he leaned away. he had the look of frustration, i had the feeling of relief as all the bad feelings washed little by little as his friend came in through the doorway. darren asked him to go downstairs and make some food for himself after he repeatedly said how starving he was. down his friend went, darren's smile widened as my hope sank. he leaned in again, i was so frozen inside my head, i let him keep going. i remembered something my mom said, something she always told me to remember, something i wasn't obeying. at the feeling of failure, his legs slid close, at the feeling of hopelessness, his mouth touched mine. my mind woke up, but at the feeling of panic, his hands weighed heavily on me, at the feeling of regret, i was lost, i was a prisoner now.
now he was my "boyfriend" now. as in, we liked each other and made the make it or break it move of the "will you go out with me?" i said yes, and i was entralled for weeks; everyday was like the best day of my life. i didn't really have feelings for him, i wasn't in love, not even close. i think i just wanted him because he was everything i thought i wanted to be, he was the "cool" kid, i was just in lust, as i later found out. i was 13, what was i doing with a 16 year old? better yet, what was he doing with me? on my way to his car, i remembered the show from the night before with my friend, a bunch of bands i'd never heard of before with screaming i didn't want to hear again. and my dad thought i listened to bad music. i still played along, hung out with the cool crowd darren and my friend got me into. skinny, pale girls with make-up that would make my mom think i was plain and clothes that made your eyes scream. guys that made you feel like you had to be tough, with tattoos and piercings all over, it made darren look wimpy. they were all older, much older. they didn't know i was 13, my friend told them i was 16 and they believed it. darren and her kept it quite so they didn't look bad too. their friends liked me, i fit in well but i always had to shed my skin when i got home so i could remember who i really was.
after walking past a few houses that hadn't woken up yet, i saw his beat up old car his father gave him. i opened the door, gave him a shy smile and slid into the seat. he gave me a little kiss and we went to his house. his mother was home, she was 30, on her way to her day job that she entertained herself with until her night job as a stripper. i'd never known a stripped before, but she was nice. i always felt relaxed in her presence, as apposed to my pounding heart and sick stomach around darren. i smiled wider at the kiss he gave me again as we went inside, my cheek hurt whenever i did from the mosh pit i was in the night before. it was bruised but he pretended not to see it. we spent the day together, smoking pot and laughing about nothing, really. we watched episodes of south park he had on dvd, and ate. we did this a lot, or went to a show or did this at some other friend's of his house.
he would lean in and kiss me a lot, moving closer and further everytime. it made my stomach sway and surge everytime, like you'd feel if you were about to accept candy from a stranger and get into his car. i never really noticed or accepted what that really meant to me, in relation to darren. he kept whispering that he wanted more, he wanted to go upstairs, telling me how beautiful or hot i was, saying it as if he was telling it to me for the first time. i knew what he wanted, so i inched away everytime he leaned it, he thought i was teasing. to please him, i finally went with him upstairs and repeated my same performance until we heard someone coming up the stairs and he leaned away. he had the look of frustration, i had the feeling of relief as all the bad feelings washed little by little as his friend came in through the doorway. darren asked him to go downstairs and make some food for himself after he repeatedly said how starving he was. down his friend went, darren's smile widened as my hope sank. he leaned in again, i was so frozen inside my head, i let him keep going. i remembered something my mom said, something she always told me to remember, something i wasn't obeying. at the feeling of failure, his legs slid close, at the feeling of hopelessness, his mouth touched mine. my mind woke up, but at the feeling of panic, his hands weighed heavily on me, at the feeling of regret, i was lost, i was a prisoner now.