<3 P.

[418]

I'm sitting here doing nothing and the phone rings.. It's Peter. God I got so happy, so fast. I picked it up.. we talked, then we got off the phone. It was so nice and weird. He's never just called out of the blue like that. All day at school I wanted to call him and I didn't think it was like good.. even though I could've. Then I get home and he calls me. I am happy. He just called again, exactly an hour from when he last called. He's hanging out with his friends, I can hear them in the background.. I don't know why he's calling me on his cell phone from their house but I love it. I know, I know, I know I shouldn't love it, get used to it, or even like it but I can not help it. What does this all mean? I'm so mixed up and I know I should pull away but I tried before and it hurt him so much, it was like one of those really emotional things where you're so wrapped up and you don't realize all that's happening and that YES it is actually happening to you. I want to just scream at him that I'm so fucking deep in all of this that when it all comes crashing down I will never be able to dig myself out and I will be so fucked up.. I can't even think of what it'll be like. There is something about him that's so endearing, powerful, dangerous, unerving, remarkable, addictive, beautiful, troubling, sad, amazing, enlightening, insightful, and moving..everything. He just makes you think and he makes you laugh and he's someone you just want to love with all of your heart and take care of. It's what I know about who he is on the inside that attracts me so greatly and makes me feel breathless and it's who he is on the surface that draws me in and makes me stay. Even through all the intense pain he's caused me, all the horrible sickening feelings I've felt because of him, all the fucking times I've wanted to and have cried over him.. all those nights he'll never know. I'm still here. Nothings changed for me, I want to be in his life forever. No, not like that. That could never be, although he's talked about it as if it could, as if he wants it to be. But even more than I know how I feel about him, I know it would never work, it could never get even close to that although it almost has. Our friendship is like nothing I've ever experienced.. I can't even compare it to anything, not a movie or a song, or a book or a poem.. I tried to write a poem about it but I couldn't explain it and I couldn't draw words from inside my head that would speak for my feelings and what our friendship is.

There is so much more I could say but I can't, I just can't bear it. It makes it so much more real and I know it is but I wish it were a dream. I found the guy I could love forever but it can't be and I don't want it to be. I can't face it. What does that mean?

I know.