(no subject)
okay, so maybe a world of ideas is a bad thing. we're confused, dissatisfied, and what have we gained? maybe purity and simplicity is the goal, pick a set of ideals and stick to it so that you can focus on other things in life. look for the good, instead of trying to read everything critically. i see this. i get it. my sister figured that out pretty quickly, content in knowing. fine. good. wonderful. but theres a contradiction in my dads case, where he picked something out of ease, and got so deep into it that its making his life more difficult.
I'm trying so hard not to be angry with him. in a weird fucked up backwards logic way, he is trying to help me. We both want the same thing here, which is for me to be happy. He believes I'm heading into a life where I can never be satisfied. What he doesn't understand is that I live in my head, in the aforementioned world of discontent and ideas. I am never satisfied. I'm picking something and sticking with it for once. Just like he did. It seems most people I tell the story to see my dad as the villain. I've been told this is very literary. He's heart is in the right place here. This is complicated. He's broken into shards, try to reimagine the story from his point of view. please. i never meant to demonize him. i pity him.
The hardest part of all of this mess is having to reevaluate what my family is to me. I always imagined my life going in a direction where as I come to terms with things, and become more comfortable with myself, I'll get closer with my family. This has happened in the past few years. I never expected this variable to knock me over the head with a frying pan. I always defined family as those who are there for you unconditionally. friends leave you. lovers leave you. your family is your blood. even if its HIV+. your blood (I don't have HIV, just saying). Now I need to relearn how to relate to them in this new world order. it's mostly just so shocking to me because i never pictured my younger sister, who supports me completely, to be caught in the crossfire of all of this. I still don't understand how good news can make someone so mad.
Everyone tells me he'll get over it. Everyone except for my two sisters and my mom. Maybe there is an eternal wisdom, as most people who tell me he'll learn to seperate 'it' and 'me', that he won't be able to lose me, that he just needs time, maybe that wisdom has been gained from much experience in dealing with unreasonable people who have changed. but the 4 people who know him best all believe he won't change. that he'll never accept. never adjust. who do i listen to in this case?
I feel like shit. My dad told me I should try to make more jewish friends. told me this all began when i started hanging around the wrong types of people. that my relationships with girls likely crumbled because they weren't jewish. if i dated jewish girls, i'd have found common ground. he told me not to tell anyone im gay because if i ever decide to change back, people will have difficulties trusting me. he told me when im ready to change, he'll pay for psychiatric help. im still trying here to see the good in this. im trying to remember he has good intentions in there somewhere. please god, i need a sense of mercy, not justice. killing my dad may make me feel worse. killing my dad may make me feel worse. killing my dad may make me feel worse. repeat. breathe. in.out.in.out.
I'm trying so hard not to be angry with him. in a weird fucked up backwards logic way, he is trying to help me. We both want the same thing here, which is for me to be happy. He believes I'm heading into a life where I can never be satisfied. What he doesn't understand is that I live in my head, in the aforementioned world of discontent and ideas. I am never satisfied. I'm picking something and sticking with it for once. Just like he did. It seems most people I tell the story to see my dad as the villain. I've been told this is very literary. He's heart is in the right place here. This is complicated. He's broken into shards, try to reimagine the story from his point of view. please. i never meant to demonize him. i pity him.
The hardest part of all of this mess is having to reevaluate what my family is to me. I always imagined my life going in a direction where as I come to terms with things, and become more comfortable with myself, I'll get closer with my family. This has happened in the past few years. I never expected this variable to knock me over the head with a frying pan. I always defined family as those who are there for you unconditionally. friends leave you. lovers leave you. your family is your blood. even if its HIV+. your blood (I don't have HIV, just saying). Now I need to relearn how to relate to them in this new world order. it's mostly just so shocking to me because i never pictured my younger sister, who supports me completely, to be caught in the crossfire of all of this. I still don't understand how good news can make someone so mad.
Everyone tells me he'll get over it. Everyone except for my two sisters and my mom. Maybe there is an eternal wisdom, as most people who tell me he'll learn to seperate 'it' and 'me', that he won't be able to lose me, that he just needs time, maybe that wisdom has been gained from much experience in dealing with unreasonable people who have changed. but the 4 people who know him best all believe he won't change. that he'll never accept. never adjust. who do i listen to in this case?
I feel like shit. My dad told me I should try to make more jewish friends. told me this all began when i started hanging around the wrong types of people. that my relationships with girls likely crumbled because they weren't jewish. if i dated jewish girls, i'd have found common ground. he told me not to tell anyone im gay because if i ever decide to change back, people will have difficulties trusting me. he told me when im ready to change, he'll pay for psychiatric help. im still trying here to see the good in this. im trying to remember he has good intentions in there somewhere. please god, i need a sense of mercy, not justice. killing my dad may make me feel worse. killing my dad may make me feel worse. killing my dad may make me feel worse. repeat. breathe. in.out.in.out.