(no subject)
i've been afraid to love. until now.
i have got alot to learn about love, but I can now say that I have expressed love for the first time.
Now, I've been surrounded by many people who use the word freely. This is fine, but when I hear them say they love me, I write it off. I have had people struggle to say they love me, the weight of this was always painful, so I threw them out of my life and regretted it. I've had people show love through their actions, I've fought them to try to explain through my actions that I am not worthy of their love. I have had people love me who challenge me. This is something I accepted, but I never acknowledged the love. If the word would have been spoken, I would have ran away.
Now I have given my form of love to some. Sometimes it means challenging people where I have to help them overcome obstacles. Sometimes it's learning to stop challenging them, because they only want the prettier kind of love. Alot of my family fits into this category, it is no use challenging them. We all get hurt.
So now here I am on the brink of self expression. I'm not yet understand the complexities of love. Anne Michaels, in the poem Sublimation says that love "is holding back, as well as holding". I may not fully understand this as I will understand later on in life, but I see its merit. Only now that I see love has two sides can I embrace it. It was the holding on that scared me. Now that I can find virtue in holding back, it is easier for me to hold. I don't expect this to make sense to anyone, as it is something that might not make sense to me 10 minutes from now, but it is a major turning point in my life. Learning to love. to love myself as well.
but I still have serious contempt for people who say 'i love you' every day when I've done nothing to deserve it. It feels like getting loose change from the homeless. No no, this exchange only needs to go one way.
i have got alot to learn about love, but I can now say that I have expressed love for the first time.
Now, I've been surrounded by many people who use the word freely. This is fine, but when I hear them say they love me, I write it off. I have had people struggle to say they love me, the weight of this was always painful, so I threw them out of my life and regretted it. I've had people show love through their actions, I've fought them to try to explain through my actions that I am not worthy of their love. I have had people love me who challenge me. This is something I accepted, but I never acknowledged the love. If the word would have been spoken, I would have ran away.
Now I have given my form of love to some. Sometimes it means challenging people where I have to help them overcome obstacles. Sometimes it's learning to stop challenging them, because they only want the prettier kind of love. Alot of my family fits into this category, it is no use challenging them. We all get hurt.
So now here I am on the brink of self expression. I'm not yet understand the complexities of love. Anne Michaels, in the poem Sublimation says that love "is holding back, as well as holding". I may not fully understand this as I will understand later on in life, but I see its merit. Only now that I see love has two sides can I embrace it. It was the holding on that scared me. Now that I can find virtue in holding back, it is easier for me to hold. I don't expect this to make sense to anyone, as it is something that might not make sense to me 10 minutes from now, but it is a major turning point in my life. Learning to love. to love myself as well.
but I still have serious contempt for people who say 'i love you' every day when I've done nothing to deserve it. It feels like getting loose change from the homeless. No no, this exchange only needs to go one way.