Fandoms 31, 32 and 33
Title: Troy's Rants
Fandom: Midsomer Murders
Rating: PG
Summary: Troy complains. Barnaby sort of listens.
Troy was ranting. Barnaby was sort of listening. “Sort of” being the operative word. Mostly when Troy ranted, Barnaby didn’t feel the need to pay very much attention. Mostly, it was the same thing. I hate rich people, gay people are scary and might touch me, I’m so far back in the closet that I live with a faun. All Troy really required was someone to say “Hm.” at fairly regular moments and then to interrupt before Troy actually exploded.
One day, Barnaby was absolutely positive that he would be invited to Troy’s civil partnership, probably to an extremely rich man. He was already planning the speech.
Title: Dealing With Lloyd
Fandom: The Demon Headmaster
Rating: G
Summary: Lloyd finds Dinah's new relationship hard to deal with. SPLAT try to sort him out.
“Lloyd,” Harvey said sadly. “Are you ever coming down?”
“No,” Lloyd growled, tucking himself more carefully into the tree branches. “This is a perfect spot.”
“It’s illegal,” Harvey tried. “It’s definitely illegal. Ingrid and I looked it up! It’s … it’s … well, I’ve forgotten what it’s called but it’s spying without a license and therefore wrong.”
“It is not wrong!” Lloyd snapped. “Crimson Cabbages, here I am, defending my sister’s precious honour and all you can do is go on about licenses!”
“Yes … ” Harvey said doubtfully. “But I don’t really think Dinah wants to protect her honour. I think she’s fine with her honour being lost.”
This was a mistake. Lloyd turned purple and threw an apple core at Harvey’s head. Harvey dodged it and glumly went back inside to report to the others.
“No go,” he said. “He won’t come down.”
“I don’t know what good he thinks he’s doing there,” griped Ingrid.
“It makes him feel better,” Mandy said, knowledgeably.
“Dinah said if he was still up there when she got back, she was going to set fire to his bedroom and make it look like an accident,” Harvey said.
“Dinah said that? Really?”
“I think he’s pushed her to breaking point,” Harvey said.
“Well, he has spent the past month following her everywhere and staring and using binoculars,” Ingrid said. “If I were her, I’d have done horrible things to his underwear by now.”
“That’s because you are a bloody thirsty young woman,” Mandy said. “We need to work out what to do.”
In the end, Mandy was the one who went back outside. Lloyd glared at her, clearly suspecting she would not be on board with his Stalking-Dinah-and-Ian plan or whatever he was calling it. Mandy raised her eyebrow gently at him and climbed the tree.
“Lloyd,” she said. “Come down.”
“Yellow yoghurts!” Lloyd snarled. “Not you too!”
“Dinah is allowed a life,” Mandy said patiently. “Ian is a very nice person. You liked him perfectly well before he asked Dinah out. He’s been treating her very well.”
“He’s a man!” Lloyd growled. “He’s … you can’t trust them!”
Mandy gave him a look, clearly pointing out that Lloyd himself was male. Lloyd stared back at her, clearly dismissing such nonsense. Mandy rolled her eyes.
“Lloyd, if you don’t come down out of the tree, we shall take drastic measures,” she said.
“Humph,” Lloyd said.
He finally had to come out of the tree to have dinner. Dinah smiled at him very sweetly and insisted on talking about how she’d had a lovely time with Ian on the date. Lloyd glowered and mumbled and plotted Ian’s death by poisoning.
When he went outside again, he discovered that while eating dinner, SPLAT had stolen all of his spying equipment and left behind a large easel and paints with a note attached saying “GET A HOBBY.”
Lloyd sulked.
Title: Arthur's Ears
Fandom: Merlin/Loveless
Rating: PG
Notes: In the Loveless universe, people are born with cat/dog ears and tail which drop off when they lose their virginity.
Summary: Arthur used to be proud of his ears but as he gets older, they become more of a burden.
Arthur hated his ears.
He’d quite liked them for a while. They were much prettier than most people’s and his tail was wonderful. And his father seemed pleased with them and sometimes when he was very proud of Arthur, he would gently scratch behind them and Arthur found it wonderful. Of course, once he got older, his father stopped doing that but it was a happy memory and one that kept him okay with his ears even when they hurt because the helmets pressed them flat or his tail got caught in the armour. They were special.
But now he was older. He was commanding men, men who had long shed their ears and who smiled pityingly at him when his ears twitched and his tail lashed. They judged him and he knew it, even if they never mentioned it aloud. They knew that he hadn’t experienced the things that they had. They knew and he hated it when people knew things about him that he didn’t want them to know.
“You shouldn’t let it bother you so,” Sir Leon said once, when they were both more than a little drunk and able to be more open. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“It is,” Arthur muttered, glaring at his mug. “They think it is. I look stupid.”
“Well,” Leon said, his voice vaguely sheepish. “Well, why don’t you … I mean, there’s plenty of … one of the others could easily set you up with someone … ”
“A whore,” Arthur said bitterly. “My father would kill me. Everyone would … would know. I just don’t want everyone to know.”
Leon nodded understandingly. He put his hand on the back of Arthur’s head and scratched behind the ears, just like Uther used to do. It felt different when he did it. Warm. Confusing. Arthur pulled away, his cheeks hot and Leon looked more understanding than ever and didn’t try it again. Arthur hated that Leon knew. He hated that everyone always seemed to know everything about him. Why couldn’t he have any secrets?
He tried a different approach. If you just acted like something was true, sooner or later, it always became true. Arthur knew that from experience. So he told himself that he liked his ears. He didn’t really care about anything else. He was a prince and sex was just ridiculous. Everyone knew that. They were jealous of his ears and his father was clearly proud that he had them so therefore, who cared?
But he still rather wished there was some way to lose his ears without changing his reputation all the same.
Fandom: Midsomer Murders
Rating: PG
Summary: Troy complains. Barnaby sort of listens.
Troy was ranting. Barnaby was sort of listening. “Sort of” being the operative word. Mostly when Troy ranted, Barnaby didn’t feel the need to pay very much attention. Mostly, it was the same thing. I hate rich people, gay people are scary and might touch me, I’m so far back in the closet that I live with a faun. All Troy really required was someone to say “Hm.” at fairly regular moments and then to interrupt before Troy actually exploded.
One day, Barnaby was absolutely positive that he would be invited to Troy’s civil partnership, probably to an extremely rich man. He was already planning the speech.
Title: Dealing With Lloyd
Fandom: The Demon Headmaster
Rating: G
Summary: Lloyd finds Dinah's new relationship hard to deal with. SPLAT try to sort him out.
“Lloyd,” Harvey said sadly. “Are you ever coming down?”
“No,” Lloyd growled, tucking himself more carefully into the tree branches. “This is a perfect spot.”
“It’s illegal,” Harvey tried. “It’s definitely illegal. Ingrid and I looked it up! It’s … it’s … well, I’ve forgotten what it’s called but it’s spying without a license and therefore wrong.”
“It is not wrong!” Lloyd snapped. “Crimson Cabbages, here I am, defending my sister’s precious honour and all you can do is go on about licenses!”
“Yes … ” Harvey said doubtfully. “But I don’t really think Dinah wants to protect her honour. I think she’s fine with her honour being lost.”
This was a mistake. Lloyd turned purple and threw an apple core at Harvey’s head. Harvey dodged it and glumly went back inside to report to the others.
“No go,” he said. “He won’t come down.”
“I don’t know what good he thinks he’s doing there,” griped Ingrid.
“It makes him feel better,” Mandy said, knowledgeably.
“Dinah said if he was still up there when she got back, she was going to set fire to his bedroom and make it look like an accident,” Harvey said.
“Dinah said that? Really?”
“I think he’s pushed her to breaking point,” Harvey said.
“Well, he has spent the past month following her everywhere and staring and using binoculars,” Ingrid said. “If I were her, I’d have done horrible things to his underwear by now.”
“That’s because you are a bloody thirsty young woman,” Mandy said. “We need to work out what to do.”
In the end, Mandy was the one who went back outside. Lloyd glared at her, clearly suspecting she would not be on board with his Stalking-Dinah-and-Ian plan or whatever he was calling it. Mandy raised her eyebrow gently at him and climbed the tree.
“Lloyd,” she said. “Come down.”
“Yellow yoghurts!” Lloyd snarled. “Not you too!”
“Dinah is allowed a life,” Mandy said patiently. “Ian is a very nice person. You liked him perfectly well before he asked Dinah out. He’s been treating her very well.”
“He’s a man!” Lloyd growled. “He’s … you can’t trust them!”
Mandy gave him a look, clearly pointing out that Lloyd himself was male. Lloyd stared back at her, clearly dismissing such nonsense. Mandy rolled her eyes.
“Lloyd, if you don’t come down out of the tree, we shall take drastic measures,” she said.
“Humph,” Lloyd said.
He finally had to come out of the tree to have dinner. Dinah smiled at him very sweetly and insisted on talking about how she’d had a lovely time with Ian on the date. Lloyd glowered and mumbled and plotted Ian’s death by poisoning.
When he went outside again, he discovered that while eating dinner, SPLAT had stolen all of his spying equipment and left behind a large easel and paints with a note attached saying “GET A HOBBY.”
Lloyd sulked.
Title: Arthur's Ears
Fandom: Merlin/Loveless
Rating: PG
Notes: In the Loveless universe, people are born with cat/dog ears and tail which drop off when they lose their virginity.
Summary: Arthur used to be proud of his ears but as he gets older, they become more of a burden.
Arthur hated his ears.
He’d quite liked them for a while. They were much prettier than most people’s and his tail was wonderful. And his father seemed pleased with them and sometimes when he was very proud of Arthur, he would gently scratch behind them and Arthur found it wonderful. Of course, once he got older, his father stopped doing that but it was a happy memory and one that kept him okay with his ears even when they hurt because the helmets pressed them flat or his tail got caught in the armour. They were special.
But now he was older. He was commanding men, men who had long shed their ears and who smiled pityingly at him when his ears twitched and his tail lashed. They judged him and he knew it, even if they never mentioned it aloud. They knew that he hadn’t experienced the things that they had. They knew and he hated it when people knew things about him that he didn’t want them to know.
“You shouldn’t let it bother you so,” Sir Leon said once, when they were both more than a little drunk and able to be more open. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“It is,” Arthur muttered, glaring at his mug. “They think it is. I look stupid.”
“Well,” Leon said, his voice vaguely sheepish. “Well, why don’t you … I mean, there’s plenty of … one of the others could easily set you up with someone … ”
“A whore,” Arthur said bitterly. “My father would kill me. Everyone would … would know. I just don’t want everyone to know.”
Leon nodded understandingly. He put his hand on the back of Arthur’s head and scratched behind the ears, just like Uther used to do. It felt different when he did it. Warm. Confusing. Arthur pulled away, his cheeks hot and Leon looked more understanding than ever and didn’t try it again. Arthur hated that Leon knew. He hated that everyone always seemed to know everything about him. Why couldn’t he have any secrets?
He tried a different approach. If you just acted like something was true, sooner or later, it always became true. Arthur knew that from experience. So he told himself that he liked his ears. He didn’t really care about anything else. He was a prince and sex was just ridiculous. Everyone knew that. They were jealous of his ears and his father was clearly proud that he had them so therefore, who cared?
But he still rather wished there was some way to lose his ears without changing his reputation all the same.