Arthritis Blows.
Seriously. Sometimes it's hard to try to sugar coat it for people. The truth of it is that I hate it. I hate so many things about it.
I hate that by the time I die I will likely have spent more money going to the doctor's office than I will have on both of my degrees. I hate that I can't remember the last time I made it through a day without taking at the very least Advil. I hate that by the time I've been up for 8 hours I'm exhausted because it takes that much more energy for me to do things than a normal person. I hate that every day I wake up not knowing if today will be a good day or a bad day. I hate that I've had to hear "I can't deal with you being sick all the time" by someone I really cared about. I hate that sometimes my friends find my legitimate complaints annoying. I hate that I have to hate all this.
Mostly I hate that my disease makes me envy the life of the normal. I hear people complain about little things and I want to scream at them to appreciate what they have. It is a BLESSING if you can walk to a local business and back without having to think about what you'll be sacrificing to make up for it. I wish that I had one day that I could just be normal. I wish I could go to a night on the town without bringing the aresnal of Advil, prescription pain killers, instant heat/cold packs and comfortable shoes (Seriously, i look at my $120 freaking sexy heels and want to cry sometimes).
I feel like I have no life. I feel like my disease has claimed that. It's like I'm treading water with a concrete block strapped to my ankles. I literally have to fight to make it out the door some mornings. I fear for the future. I fear for the kids I'll have. What will they think when they're old enough to realize that they don't have a normal mother? Will they resent me for it? The thought of it makes me sick sometimes.
I don't want sympathy. Honestly I don't want anything at all. I just needed to say this. Sometimes it feels better to write things down.
I hate that by the time I die I will likely have spent more money going to the doctor's office than I will have on both of my degrees. I hate that I can't remember the last time I made it through a day without taking at the very least Advil. I hate that by the time I've been up for 8 hours I'm exhausted because it takes that much more energy for me to do things than a normal person. I hate that every day I wake up not knowing if today will be a good day or a bad day. I hate that I've had to hear "I can't deal with you being sick all the time" by someone I really cared about. I hate that sometimes my friends find my legitimate complaints annoying. I hate that I have to hate all this.
Mostly I hate that my disease makes me envy the life of the normal. I hear people complain about little things and I want to scream at them to appreciate what they have. It is a BLESSING if you can walk to a local business and back without having to think about what you'll be sacrificing to make up for it. I wish that I had one day that I could just be normal. I wish I could go to a night on the town without bringing the aresnal of Advil, prescription pain killers, instant heat/cold packs and comfortable shoes (Seriously, i look at my $120 freaking sexy heels and want to cry sometimes).
I feel like I have no life. I feel like my disease has claimed that. It's like I'm treading water with a concrete block strapped to my ankles. I literally have to fight to make it out the door some mornings. I fear for the future. I fear for the kids I'll have. What will they think when they're old enough to realize that they don't have a normal mother? Will they resent me for it? The thought of it makes me sick sometimes.
I don't want sympathy. Honestly I don't want anything at all. I just needed to say this. Sometimes it feels better to write things down.