Gone off my nut, briefly.
I had a scare the last day or so. THAT kind. I know I had my tubes tied, and for darn good reasons, but I also know a few kids who were "tubal" babies. So. Anyway all for naught. And you know what? I actually got upset a little. I know I don't need any more. I know being pregnant is not good for me. I know it would mean another c-section, probably a couple of months of bedrest. It's the very last thing in the world I need.
And I got a little misty over it. I won't feel a baby moving inside me ever again. I won't spend weeks waiting for labor pains to start. I won't get up every two hours for feedings. No more onesies, teeny little diapers, first teeth, new baby smell.
So stupid. I enjoy the kids I have now, remember when they were babies. Try to remember. I'm not much good at it. And knowing I don't need any more, I still get my hopes up. It was the most sensible thing I've ever done, getting the tubal, and it went against every maternal instinct I have. I'll get over it. I hated being pregnant last time. And look how it ended, eight weeks early with emergency surgery. So why the tears? I don't cry. I don't let them fall, but they come, and I choke them down.
I don't deserve the ones I have, I certainly don't deserve any more. I'm not the best mom in the world, I don't even like to cook. And I yell over silly things like crumbs and noise. And here I am snuffling like an idiot, with a sore throat from not crying because I can't ever have another one? What is WRONG with me?
And I got a little misty over it. I won't feel a baby moving inside me ever again. I won't spend weeks waiting for labor pains to start. I won't get up every two hours for feedings. No more onesies, teeny little diapers, first teeth, new baby smell.
So stupid. I enjoy the kids I have now, remember when they were babies. Try to remember. I'm not much good at it. And knowing I don't need any more, I still get my hopes up. It was the most sensible thing I've ever done, getting the tubal, and it went against every maternal instinct I have. I'll get over it. I hated being pregnant last time. And look how it ended, eight weeks early with emergency surgery. So why the tears? I don't cry. I don't let them fall, but they come, and I choke them down.
I don't deserve the ones I have, I certainly don't deserve any more. I'm not the best mom in the world, I don't even like to cook. And I yell over silly things like crumbs and noise. And here I am snuffling like an idiot, with a sore throat from not crying because I can't ever have another one? What is WRONG with me?