It occurs to me. (Through His grace.)
It occurs to me that I have too much time on my hands. At least I have too much
time that I use in a very unproductive way.
After some misperceived infliction of "wrong", I thought to myself, "I will be recompensed
in Heaven!" I thought only about me! How I was "wronged"! How that "Vengence will
belong to the Lord!"
I may have been right. However, who was wronged? And who was due vengence?
I imagined myself in Heaven, facing those who had "done me wrong!" Oh! How I
would be so smug, and smile as I watched their shame when they realized how
I had been treated!
Didn't they know how close I was to God? In their selfishness didn't they see how
they had completely neglected me?! I was so glad to see that they could see the
error of their ways...their "SINS"! I almost reveled in their shame and neglect!
I was vindicated! It felt great! While I loved these people, they had been "selfish"
and sinful in their treatment of me! And of my family! Of Ruby!
Now justice would be done! We would all rejoice in God's salvation! In His love
He would vindicate me and still love them! What perfection! I wasn't just smiling
inside...I was damn near laughing! What a happy way to surrender to God!
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OH! Alright! ALRIGHT!
Damn! I was wrong! AGAIN! God stared at me and said, (in His voice) "Pretty
cute! You read My word every day. You pray to Me every day (some pretty good
prayers too!) but you still seem to be thinking too much about yourself. Not about
others...which is to say, "not about Me, and My love for you...AND OTHERS!"
It was at this point that I realized that when (and IF) I get to Heaven it will be only
through God's love and forgiveness. AND I will look around and see all of His
children and see how many ways, and how many times I have completely
neglected them! How many times I have so selfish that I didn't even know I was
hurting His children!
I no longer saw what I thought were sins against me! Instead, I saw, and was
completely MORTIFIED about my sins against His children!
I had nowhere to go but into His love! His love for all of us!
And in this is the only peace I could find.
Sometimes I get tired of being wrong, only if I didn't know where and Who to
go to, to be in the right.