Not What it Seems Part B
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XXXXX
This is all wrong. All fuckin’ wrong. Jared shouldn’t be standing in the airport terminal looking totally okay with the fact that Jensen’s about to board a friggen’ plane to L.A. and leave Jared behind-at Jared’s suggestion, mind you. Jensen, well, Jensen is freaking the fuck out.
“I don’t like this,” Jensen mumbles, and his heart clenches Jared’s face scrunches in confusion. “I said, I don’t think this is a good idea.”
Jared rolls his eyes when Jensen’s fingers replay the message, and he signs that he’s going to be fine-food, water, all that. Jensen shakes his head. “You’re going to be alone though, man.”
“Whut you w-want,” Jared replies, picking up Jensen’s carry on and Jensen knows he doesn’t mean it the way it came out, but shit, that stings.
The overhead says its time to board, and Jensen just shakes his head because Jared doesn’t even flinch. Jensen doesn’t know why everything’s becoming more and more an irritation and hassle when it comes to this shit. But it is, just bubbling up and over, spilling and marring everything he and Jared have. He wishes it wouldn’t.
The second page to board comes across the P.A. system and Jensen forces a big smile, and pulls Jared into a fierce goodbye hug.
XXXXX
Jensen walks out the audition room and onto the busy L.A. street. He fucking blew it. God, he can see the headline now. Supernatural star loses part in Major Film Due to Extreme Suckage. Okay, so maybe not that exact headline, but that’s what it feels like. He’s been off his game ever since he landed in LAX, and it’s not Jensen’s fault.
It’s Jared’s doing. Hell, the whole reason Jensen came out here was to get them a new chance at their old lives. Okay, so maybe it was more so Jensen could have his old life back, but still. Jared would benefit, and it isn’t like Jensen is planning on leaving his boyfriend behind. Bottom line, Jensen’s so worried he can’t even focus on anything else.
He’s called the house at least four times since the plane landed and no one’s picked up. The last actual large purchase they had made was for a new deaf-friendly phone system that would convert the words onto the screen for Jared and do that flashing thing that drives Jensen crazy in the middle of the night. But still, no answer.
Jensen redials the number, hears the incessant ringing, and waits like an impatient kid for someone to pick up. No one does, and Jensen sinks onto the nearby bench. Either Jared doesn’t need him anymore, or the audition isn’t the only thing he’s fucked up in the last twenty-four hours.
God, he wanted this, but he wanted Jared and this. Jensen’s never felt so damn selfish.
XXXXX
Clothes fly from the closet to land haphazardly on the bed. They don’t come anywhere near the suitcase, but Jared doesn’t seem to mind. It looks close enough through the mist in his eyes. A couple shoes make it to the pile, and Jared straightens, taking a look around.
The flashing from across the hallway catches his attention, but Jared doesn’t go answer. Instead, he stares at the shadows it casts on the wall and chokes out a sob. If he picks up, Jared knows he’s not going to go through with this.
Turning his head, Jared stares out the apartment window into the darkening sky. Jensen’s flight wouldn’t get in until nine, so that left plenty more time to clear out. The meter’s running, Jared’s trusty friend, the cab driver, at the wheel, and Jared picks up his pace.
He only needs enough stuff to last him about a week, maybe, enough time for Jensen to get back and Jared to formulate a good enough reason as to why he’d doing this. Except, Jared’s already got one.
He’s holding Jensen back, caging him like some kind of animal, and that Jared can’t stomach. Jensen deserves to be happy, to further his career, not stay home and take odd jobs with the Canadian film industry when they really need the money. Jared’s not as dumb as Jensen likes to try and keep him when it comes to that shit. He’s seen the bank statements, the bills from the speech therapists and doctors.
It’s weighing Jensen down so much it’s visible. Jared can tell by the heaviness that encompasses almost everything Jensen does. The dark-rimmed eyes and worried frown that never seem to leave are like some twisted bonus.
Jared doesn’t think he’s worth it. And one day, he can almost bet that Jensen’s going to look at him with resentment. Shit, he feels horrible for considering it, but it’s true. Jensen could still have a life, this L.A. opportunity seals it, and he left, which proves Jensen still wants it.
Jared looks down to the balled cotton shirt in his hand, and slides to the floor, shoulders trembling as he struggles to remind himself it’s better this way.
XXXXX
Jensen drops his luggage outside the door, and fumbles for his keys. The metal clangs as he twists open the lock and Jensen kicks his duffle bag into the apartment, pulling the keys out and tossing them onto the side table.
It’s dark in the apartment, not a single light turned on, but Jensen doesn’t really question it, just digs through his bag to find the wrapped gift store purchase and moves toward the bedroom.
Jensen was hoping the figure crouched in the corner would be laying in bed waiting for him. Frown lines mar Jensen’s forehead when he flicks the bedroom light on. Jared glances up slowly, his face red and tear streaked.
“Jay?”
Guilty is the only word Jensen can come up with for the look Jared’s giving him when Jensen’s eyes fall to the packed suitcase on the bed.
“Y-ya ga h-home eh-ly,” Jared offers, working to an unsteady stand.
Jensen doesn’t really know how to process this. He takes a shaky seat on the edge of the bed, his mouth a thin line. “Sorry to disappoint.”
There are tears in Jared’s eyes again, and Jensen could never stand to be the one that put them there. He takes a deep breath and signs slowly ‘what are you doing, Jay?’
“I d-dun know,” Jared answers brokenly, looking so lost. “I d-dun know.”
And then Jensen’s up, wrapping his arms fiercely around Jared and holding fast as Jared breaks. Tears sting at the corners of Jensen’s eyes and he blinks them away, pulling back a bit so Jared can see.
“I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry,” Jensen apologizes, not even trying to be the strong one here, “Please, just stay.”
Jared wiggles out of Jensen’s hold and Jensen can see Jared’s busted world open and bleeding in that disbelieving stare. Jared’s fingers work out the question of why, why would Jensen want him to stay. All he does is bring pain and problems and keeps Jensen from having what he wants.
“That’s not true!” Jensen snaps, grimacing a bit when Jared doesn’t readily respond. “Jared, it’s not true, dammit. I-yeah, okay? I wanted to go to L.A., and I wanted to know what if. I did. But then, I got there, and you weren’t there, and I couldn’t even damn concentrate on the lines, and then you didn’t pick up the phone, and-“
The fire goes out of Jensen the instant a goofy smile crosses Jared’s face.
“What?”
“Ya m-mus-missed me.”
Jensen signs with a smile for Jared to ‘shut up’, then tilts his head in thought. “Wait, you didn’t think I would?”
Jared looks away, and Jensen has his answer. Jensen smacks Jared’s shoulder hard enough for the younger man to turn around.
“Jared, I’m never gonna forget about you, okay? And I know this past year has been hard on us, and there’s a lot on both sides here, but can you just trust me when I say that I want to be here. That I want to be with you.”
“B-but.”
“No buts. That L.A. stuff? It just made me realize that if I can’t have you with me then I don’t want it. And I’m sorry if it made you feel like I didn’t want you around. Shit, man, you packed?”
Jared smiles softly, eyes following Jensen’s lips until he can’t really stand it anymore and just leans in. The kiss is deep, but tender and Jared pulls back with a satisfied smirk at Jensen’s stunned expression.
“I-I sur-ry too.” Jared replies solemnly, then looks over Jensen’s shoulder to the package on the bed. “W-what ya br-bring me?”
“Who says it’s for you?” Jensen teases, countenance tinged with embarrassment when Jared barrels past him, tearing open the wrapping.
Jared pulls out the gift with a breathy guffaw and Jensen feigns irritation. “Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to find one in your size?”
Jared places the T-shirt across his torso and stares down at the tourist trap of a gift his boyfriend bought him. Jensen places his hands over his face, shaking his head, as he gets a glimpse of just how goofy Jared looks with “Somebody Who Loves Me Went to L.A. and Got Me This Shirt,” pasted across his body.
Out of all the stuff that’s changed for them, one thing has remained the same. Jared’s laugh is still as infectious and strengthening to Jensen as anything else in the world. He can’t help it. Despite the situation and just how horrible tonight could’ve gone, Jensen laughs. For the first time in what feels like forever, he laughs. He doesn’t even realize there are tears in his eyes until he feels them drip onto his shirt.
Jared reaches out and pulls Jensen onto the bed. Jensen topples there willingly, his mind struggling to pin exactly which emotion is playing out. Jared’s fingers brush away the tears. “L-love ya. B-but ya c-can’t do evera-th-thing. Too h-hard.”
“But-“
Jared shakes his head, determination in eyes. “No. T-to-goth-ar.”
Jensen leans in and gives Jared a chaste kiss. “Yeah, together.”
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The End
XXXXX
This is all wrong. All fuckin’ wrong. Jared shouldn’t be standing in the airport terminal looking totally okay with the fact that Jensen’s about to board a friggen’ plane to L.A. and leave Jared behind-at Jared’s suggestion, mind you. Jensen, well, Jensen is freaking the fuck out.
“I don’t like this,” Jensen mumbles, and his heart clenches Jared’s face scrunches in confusion. “I said, I don’t think this is a good idea.”
Jared rolls his eyes when Jensen’s fingers replay the message, and he signs that he’s going to be fine-food, water, all that. Jensen shakes his head. “You’re going to be alone though, man.”
“Whut you w-want,” Jared replies, picking up Jensen’s carry on and Jensen knows he doesn’t mean it the way it came out, but shit, that stings.
The overhead says its time to board, and Jensen just shakes his head because Jared doesn’t even flinch. Jensen doesn’t know why everything’s becoming more and more an irritation and hassle when it comes to this shit. But it is, just bubbling up and over, spilling and marring everything he and Jared have. He wishes it wouldn’t.
The second page to board comes across the P.A. system and Jensen forces a big smile, and pulls Jared into a fierce goodbye hug.
XXXXX
Jensen walks out the audition room and onto the busy L.A. street. He fucking blew it. God, he can see the headline now. Supernatural star loses part in Major Film Due to Extreme Suckage. Okay, so maybe not that exact headline, but that’s what it feels like. He’s been off his game ever since he landed in LAX, and it’s not Jensen’s fault.
It’s Jared’s doing. Hell, the whole reason Jensen came out here was to get them a new chance at their old lives. Okay, so maybe it was more so Jensen could have his old life back, but still. Jared would benefit, and it isn’t like Jensen is planning on leaving his boyfriend behind. Bottom line, Jensen’s so worried he can’t even focus on anything else.
He’s called the house at least four times since the plane landed and no one’s picked up. The last actual large purchase they had made was for a new deaf-friendly phone system that would convert the words onto the screen for Jared and do that flashing thing that drives Jensen crazy in the middle of the night. But still, no answer.
Jensen redials the number, hears the incessant ringing, and waits like an impatient kid for someone to pick up. No one does, and Jensen sinks onto the nearby bench. Either Jared doesn’t need him anymore, or the audition isn’t the only thing he’s fucked up in the last twenty-four hours.
God, he wanted this, but he wanted Jared and this. Jensen’s never felt so damn selfish.
XXXXX
Clothes fly from the closet to land haphazardly on the bed. They don’t come anywhere near the suitcase, but Jared doesn’t seem to mind. It looks close enough through the mist in his eyes. A couple shoes make it to the pile, and Jared straightens, taking a look around.
The flashing from across the hallway catches his attention, but Jared doesn’t go answer. Instead, he stares at the shadows it casts on the wall and chokes out a sob. If he picks up, Jared knows he’s not going to go through with this.
Turning his head, Jared stares out the apartment window into the darkening sky. Jensen’s flight wouldn’t get in until nine, so that left plenty more time to clear out. The meter’s running, Jared’s trusty friend, the cab driver, at the wheel, and Jared picks up his pace.
He only needs enough stuff to last him about a week, maybe, enough time for Jensen to get back and Jared to formulate a good enough reason as to why he’d doing this. Except, Jared’s already got one.
He’s holding Jensen back, caging him like some kind of animal, and that Jared can’t stomach. Jensen deserves to be happy, to further his career, not stay home and take odd jobs with the Canadian film industry when they really need the money. Jared’s not as dumb as Jensen likes to try and keep him when it comes to that shit. He’s seen the bank statements, the bills from the speech therapists and doctors.
It’s weighing Jensen down so much it’s visible. Jared can tell by the heaviness that encompasses almost everything Jensen does. The dark-rimmed eyes and worried frown that never seem to leave are like some twisted bonus.
Jared doesn’t think he’s worth it. And one day, he can almost bet that Jensen’s going to look at him with resentment. Shit, he feels horrible for considering it, but it’s true. Jensen could still have a life, this L.A. opportunity seals it, and he left, which proves Jensen still wants it.
Jared looks down to the balled cotton shirt in his hand, and slides to the floor, shoulders trembling as he struggles to remind himself it’s better this way.
XXXXX
Jensen drops his luggage outside the door, and fumbles for his keys. The metal clangs as he twists open the lock and Jensen kicks his duffle bag into the apartment, pulling the keys out and tossing them onto the side table.
It’s dark in the apartment, not a single light turned on, but Jensen doesn’t really question it, just digs through his bag to find the wrapped gift store purchase and moves toward the bedroom.
Jensen was hoping the figure crouched in the corner would be laying in bed waiting for him. Frown lines mar Jensen’s forehead when he flicks the bedroom light on. Jared glances up slowly, his face red and tear streaked.
“Jay?”
Guilty is the only word Jensen can come up with for the look Jared’s giving him when Jensen’s eyes fall to the packed suitcase on the bed.
“Y-ya ga h-home eh-ly,” Jared offers, working to an unsteady stand.
Jensen doesn’t really know how to process this. He takes a shaky seat on the edge of the bed, his mouth a thin line. “Sorry to disappoint.”
There are tears in Jared’s eyes again, and Jensen could never stand to be the one that put them there. He takes a deep breath and signs slowly ‘what are you doing, Jay?’
“I d-dun know,” Jared answers brokenly, looking so lost. “I d-dun know.”
And then Jensen’s up, wrapping his arms fiercely around Jared and holding fast as Jared breaks. Tears sting at the corners of Jensen’s eyes and he blinks them away, pulling back a bit so Jared can see.
“I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry,” Jensen apologizes, not even trying to be the strong one here, “Please, just stay.”
Jared wiggles out of Jensen’s hold and Jensen can see Jared’s busted world open and bleeding in that disbelieving stare. Jared’s fingers work out the question of why, why would Jensen want him to stay. All he does is bring pain and problems and keeps Jensen from having what he wants.
“That’s not true!” Jensen snaps, grimacing a bit when Jared doesn’t readily respond. “Jared, it’s not true, dammit. I-yeah, okay? I wanted to go to L.A., and I wanted to know what if. I did. But then, I got there, and you weren’t there, and I couldn’t even damn concentrate on the lines, and then you didn’t pick up the phone, and-“
The fire goes out of Jensen the instant a goofy smile crosses Jared’s face.
“What?”
“Ya m-mus-missed me.”
Jensen signs with a smile for Jared to ‘shut up’, then tilts his head in thought. “Wait, you didn’t think I would?”
Jared looks away, and Jensen has his answer. Jensen smacks Jared’s shoulder hard enough for the younger man to turn around.
“Jared, I’m never gonna forget about you, okay? And I know this past year has been hard on us, and there’s a lot on both sides here, but can you just trust me when I say that I want to be here. That I want to be with you.”
“B-but.”
“No buts. That L.A. stuff? It just made me realize that if I can’t have you with me then I don’t want it. And I’m sorry if it made you feel like I didn’t want you around. Shit, man, you packed?”
Jared smiles softly, eyes following Jensen’s lips until he can’t really stand it anymore and just leans in. The kiss is deep, but tender and Jared pulls back with a satisfied smirk at Jensen’s stunned expression.
“I-I sur-ry too.” Jared replies solemnly, then looks over Jensen’s shoulder to the package on the bed. “W-what ya br-bring me?”
“Who says it’s for you?” Jensen teases, countenance tinged with embarrassment when Jared barrels past him, tearing open the wrapping.
Jared pulls out the gift with a breathy guffaw and Jensen feigns irritation. “Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to find one in your size?”
Jared places the T-shirt across his torso and stares down at the tourist trap of a gift his boyfriend bought him. Jensen places his hands over his face, shaking his head, as he gets a glimpse of just how goofy Jared looks with “Somebody Who Loves Me Went to L.A. and Got Me This Shirt,” pasted across his body.
Out of all the stuff that’s changed for them, one thing has remained the same. Jared’s laugh is still as infectious and strengthening to Jensen as anything else in the world. He can’t help it. Despite the situation and just how horrible tonight could’ve gone, Jensen laughs. For the first time in what feels like forever, he laughs. He doesn’t even realize there are tears in his eyes until he feels them drip onto his shirt.
Jared reaches out and pulls Jensen onto the bed. Jensen topples there willingly, his mind struggling to pin exactly which emotion is playing out. Jared’s fingers brush away the tears. “L-love ya. B-but ya c-can’t do evera-th-thing. Too h-hard.”
“But-“
Jared shakes his head, determination in eyes. “No. T-to-goth-ar.”
Jensen leans in and gives Jared a chaste kiss. “Yeah, together.”
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The End