(no subject)
Something struck me today when I was sitting around in math class.
I don’t know why it didn’t really process at the time it actually occurred, but that is besides the point. My buddy Patrick was asking me the other day, as I came into Water & Ice yet again, if I was auditioning for the next show.
“I don’t know, dude. I’m thinking about getting a job.”
“That’s weird. You’re the best actor at our school.”
I guess it was too flattering a compliment for me to really register, especially considering how out of it I was on cold medicines and sheer exhaustion. But then today, as I sat there in math, I really thought about what he said. First of all, I definitely don’t exactly agree with what Patrick said, this isn’t an ego trip by any means - but I was thinking, if anyone, anyone at all, thought I was the best actor in our school, by not staying involved with things, am I throwing something good away?
Yes, idiot. Audition tomorrow. Audition tomorrow.
I’ve been telling people lately when they asked me if I was auditioning, “maybe”. Not to create some kind of hype, but because I truthfully didn’t really know. Besides, thinking of my indecision making becoming some large scale dilemma amongst theatre co. is absolutely ridiculous; these kids have much better things to do than get caught up in my bullshit along with me.
My goal is to be there tomorrow after school, but I know the odds are not in my favor. I’m not especially great at musicals. When you break it down, it basically means I am alright at singing and terrible at dancing, acting really has little place in a musical. I basically feel like I was largely responsible for ruining Charlie Brown at Thespian Conference last year, I know it wasn’t exactly my fault for getting so sick that I had no voice, but Jesus. The timing couldn’t have been worse. Well, as if it were a sign to stay away from this show too, I’m sick once again and lack much of a voice. But if there is one thing I know, it is that depression never did anyone any favors. Overwhelming odds can’t get keep me down, and I’ll always be back up on my feet in no time. I really plan on auditioning tomorrow. And if this all turns out to be nothing for me in the end, so be it. I’ll walk away empty handed but proud that when I only had myself to depend on, I could.
The best advice I ever received was from Donald, when he graduated. This is what he wrote in my yearbook…
“So here goes: You remind me a lot of me. Funny. Talented at acting and not much else. Staying up late, reading a lot. Zero common sense. Addicted to unregulated love. It’s an interesting life, men like us. I suggest the following coping mechanisms: A) a sense of humor. You’ve got that covered. B) a sick rack of abs, the kind you could land a plane on if it weren’t for all that rippling toned muscle. Work on that.
Don’t get comfy. None of us as ever as good as people tell us we were after shows, you can always improve. Stay humble and someday you really will be great.
That, plus the abs.”
So I have to keep going. Quitting now means I throw whatever I made myself into away. The only thing is, this time I’m doing it all for myself, just to remind myself that I can do this. After you hit bottom and stay there long enough, sometimes a reminder of what you’re actually capable of is the only thing to bring you back to your senses.
On a final note, just to clear the air a bit, I’m tired of people walking all over me. I am not a conscience call. The things you say, let alone the things you don’t say, affect me. Strongly. I’ve seen so many people fall right through my finger tips, and the easiest route to take in those situations is always blaming myself for something that I lack. But that just won’t work for me anymore. I can’t live my life in spite of anyone, or anything. I can’t allow myself to depend on anyone for a long time. I absolutely refuse. I’ll be all the weight behind my words.
I’m still not quite myself at the moment. Thank you to everyone that asked why, your care hasn't gone at all unnoticed or unappreciated - it's only I'm still far too naïve and selfish to really want to talk about it.
I don’t know why it didn’t really process at the time it actually occurred, but that is besides the point. My buddy Patrick was asking me the other day, as I came into Water & Ice yet again, if I was auditioning for the next show.
“I don’t know, dude. I’m thinking about getting a job.”
“That’s weird. You’re the best actor at our school.”
I guess it was too flattering a compliment for me to really register, especially considering how out of it I was on cold medicines and sheer exhaustion. But then today, as I sat there in math, I really thought about what he said. First of all, I definitely don’t exactly agree with what Patrick said, this isn’t an ego trip by any means - but I was thinking, if anyone, anyone at all, thought I was the best actor in our school, by not staying involved with things, am I throwing something good away?
Yes, idiot. Audition tomorrow. Audition tomorrow.
I’ve been telling people lately when they asked me if I was auditioning, “maybe”. Not to create some kind of hype, but because I truthfully didn’t really know. Besides, thinking of my indecision making becoming some large scale dilemma amongst theatre co. is absolutely ridiculous; these kids have much better things to do than get caught up in my bullshit along with me.
My goal is to be there tomorrow after school, but I know the odds are not in my favor. I’m not especially great at musicals. When you break it down, it basically means I am alright at singing and terrible at dancing, acting really has little place in a musical. I basically feel like I was largely responsible for ruining Charlie Brown at Thespian Conference last year, I know it wasn’t exactly my fault for getting so sick that I had no voice, but Jesus. The timing couldn’t have been worse. Well, as if it were a sign to stay away from this show too, I’m sick once again and lack much of a voice. But if there is one thing I know, it is that depression never did anyone any favors. Overwhelming odds can’t get keep me down, and I’ll always be back up on my feet in no time. I really plan on auditioning tomorrow. And if this all turns out to be nothing for me in the end, so be it. I’ll walk away empty handed but proud that when I only had myself to depend on, I could.
The best advice I ever received was from Donald, when he graduated. This is what he wrote in my yearbook…
“So here goes: You remind me a lot of me. Funny. Talented at acting and not much else. Staying up late, reading a lot. Zero common sense. Addicted to unregulated love. It’s an interesting life, men like us. I suggest the following coping mechanisms: A) a sense of humor. You’ve got that covered. B) a sick rack of abs, the kind you could land a plane on if it weren’t for all that rippling toned muscle. Work on that.
Don’t get comfy. None of us as ever as good as people tell us we were after shows, you can always improve. Stay humble and someday you really will be great.
That, plus the abs.”
So I have to keep going. Quitting now means I throw whatever I made myself into away. The only thing is, this time I’m doing it all for myself, just to remind myself that I can do this. After you hit bottom and stay there long enough, sometimes a reminder of what you’re actually capable of is the only thing to bring you back to your senses.
On a final note, just to clear the air a bit, I’m tired of people walking all over me. I am not a conscience call. The things you say, let alone the things you don’t say, affect me. Strongly. I’ve seen so many people fall right through my finger tips, and the easiest route to take in those situations is always blaming myself for something that I lack. But that just won’t work for me anymore. I can’t live my life in spite of anyone, or anything. I can’t allow myself to depend on anyone for a long time. I absolutely refuse. I’ll be all the weight behind my words.
I’m still not quite myself at the moment. Thank you to everyone that asked why, your care hasn't gone at all unnoticed or unappreciated - it's only I'm still far too naïve and selfish to really want to talk about it.