(no subject)

Jun 07, 2004 00:48

I just feel off tonight.

I know it’s pessimistic as hell and depressing to even think about, but do you ever get the feeling that you’re time is never really that important, like you’re spending so much in one area and you’re not seeing the big picture develop -- like the scenery is just constantly the same. That’s what every summer feels like for me, and there’s no use complaining about it as I am now because it’s essentially my own doing that put me in this position in the first place.

It hurts to see summer pass you by every single year and get nothing out of it. Ever since the end of freshmen year, if you don’t already know my story, I’ve taken math over summer in hopes that I could catch up; put this embarrassing deficiency behind me and move on with my life. Every year it’s the same result too: I barely miss the mark. Probably the worst feeling I’ve felt in years is after I took my second semester geometry final over summer last year, and turned it in and stood to the side nervously as my teacher calculated my final grade in the class. I knew exactly what I had to get, percent-wise, and I was doubting that I’d actually made the grade.

Get at least a C in the class and you’re good to move on. Anything less, well, you’re going to be seeing a lot of familiar walls the year to come. Few people know this quite as well as I do now.

Well my teacher had very little remorse or understanding when he told me, “Your final grade is a 68.5. That’s a D.” It didn’t really matter if anyone was going to lend me moral support at that moment, tell me to ‘buck up’ or ‘you did your best’ at that moment, that wasn’t even what I was looking for. I just had to live that moment down, and in ways, I haven’t quite done that yet. I’ve labeled myself as an idiot at this point, as stupid as it sounds. I just don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. Am I not applying myself? Too many distractions? I have no idea.

So here I am again this summer, working on Algebra 3-4. We just had our first test on the second day and even though it was all review from geometry, I still don’t have a great feeling about it all the same. I have this gut feeling, like when I did when I was told my final grade for geometry last year, that I’m marked for failure even before I make an honest effort. It’s a terrible way to think, but there is no changing the rut I’m in now. It’s where I am, and these are my circumstances that I have to face, alone.

By writing this, I’m not looking for pity at all. I hate writing self-loathing and depressive entries because in my honest opinion, there are few other reasons to write them except for people who are just dying for you to ask them what’s wrong. I don’t crave attention, really. I just can’t think straight tonight. I feel like I’m perpetually branded as an idiot just for slipping on the ball over my freshmen year. Whoever said that mistakes in your past would come back to haunt you was absolutely right.

Tomorrow morning I’m waking up at 6:15 to get dropped off to Marcos de Niza about a half hour early because my mom has to go to airport. It’s such a terrible feeling just to even be on campus, I just feel like I’m an idiot when I’m there. And it’s making me sick, every second of it. Sitting there, so early in the morning over summer, amongst the faces of people that I truly do not care for in the least bit or even want to extend the effort to meet because they’re so sketchy and the vast majority are your typical burn-outs. And the thing that I think is so funny about that, what I just said, is I won’t associate myself with people who are exactly like me. I’m a hypocrite in every fucking sense of the word.

My stomach hurts and I can taste the bile rising in my throat, and it’ll still be there when I wake up in the morning. I’m losing all faith in myself and the path I’m on with my life. It just seems so tedious, so typical and so predictable. If you honestly ask me, I’ll tell you, I think that I won’t pass this class and I’m merely wasting my time again. Trying my best and believing in myself didn’t work for me the last two years, so why keep setting myself up for disappointment? I never wanted to live like this.
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