Im so confused
So I havent posted on here in so long....but I need to get some stuff out in the open. Theres been so much going on lately with my life. Im just trying to keep it together. Well I guess I should start with how Im feeling at the moment....not too great.....I feel like a failure. So I go to this prestigious college and I've just completed my first year in college. One of my goals was to get a 4.0....I didnt get it but came rather close. I was very disappointed in myself and my parents didnt help so much either. My mom of course was just like thats great....especially for college and that I will get it next year. My dad however you could tell was disappointed. Also my dad is currently going back to school so its like this competition between us. =( Then living away from college took its toll on me. I moved where I knew absolutely no one. I was forced to meet new people and yes I met some great girls I still felt incomplete. I just didnt feel like I had that one person that I could talk to. There were many weekends where I just spent in my room. I mean yeah my friends would ask me to go out, but Im not the type who just loves to go out to a club or a party. Ok so fast forward to now...school is over and I feel like a complete failure. I feel like I have no clue what I want to do with my life...its like Im letting life pass me by without living it. I feel like a failure because I talk to people from school and they say things like oh yeah Im doing this and this and I have this great internship and then they ask me what Im doing for the summer and I have no clue. I feel like I should have an internship then to top it off the one program that I really wanted to get into I did not. So now Im trying to figure out what to do this summer. I have no job and I need one bad, but I don't want a regular job because I feel like that if I get one I've become a failure. Then to top it off this summer seems so boring. I have two close friends down here and one is not coming home for the summer due to summer school and the other is pregnant. Im going out of my mind here! Then the last thing is the boyfriend issue. Its been almost 4 years that we've been together and I feel like we are living this secret relationship and Im tired of it. His family accepts me, my family on the other hand doesn't accept him. I don't understand ok, WE made a mistake last year. I've moved on and so has he and we've learned from it. They don't think he is good enough for me. I just wish they would see what I see. I mean I understand you don't approve of him but you do not have to throw it in my face, especially my dad. For instance, when I fixed my dorm room up I sent them pictures, my dad called me and felt the need to ask me sarcastically in an unapproving tone why do you have his picture up, or when I mention him they say something sarcastically, but something I noticed when I came home for the summer is in my room I left some pictures of us from prom on my desk and they covered the picture up. Its like okay I understand you dont like him but stop throwing it in my face. To them we arent really together anymore. I hate lying about the fact that Im in a relationship but I just want my parents approval so bad. Sometimes I do get the urge to just go to me mom and be like look I go with Steven and I dont care if you dont approve. But I would never have the courage to do that. People continually ask me who Im with and I have to deny and saw stuff along the lines of....Im not with anyone. This really hurts and I know it really hurts him....This brings it to him. I love him ALOT!!! I dont know what I would do without him. He listens to me....especially this past school year I know half of the stuff I told him he wouldnt want to hear....he cares for me....he is always there for me....he makes me laugh....and even though we fight (which has been more often lately) he still loves me. Im just so confused right now and dont know what to....sometimes I just feel like crying....I wish that I had a great job.....I wish I didnt feel like a failure.....I wish that my parents would accept who I choose to be with.....ugh when will it change..........