Hm.

[3mi]

I just keep messing up. I don't really know why, but I think I'm afraid of really being happy. I thought that I could be happy with only myself, and I can, but to be with just myself forever? I don't think that's really how people are meant to live.

The person I want to be with now cannot stand to look in my direction. I apologized, but I don't think I'll ever be able to do it enough. I was so selfish and stupid, but what's done is done and I can't go back. I don't know if I can be friends with him. Seeing his new girl gaze at him with such affection sickens me. My jealousy eats me up inside with a ferocity I have not known in a long time. I feel like I'm rotting. I don't like it.

I don't want to be with anyone else, either. The whole situation leaves me feeling low and drawn out. My art has suffered, my work attitude is suffering. I feel like I'm going to burst, like I won't be able to make it through the day. My grip on my emotions is a softer metal than steel, and they are very strong. If I do explode over this, I hope that I'm alone.

It feels like high school all over again. Maybe like high school, I'll need to move three states away to get over it.