I need a new drug

[__angel]

I watched Wesley walk away from me, saying that he was going to go and do some research. The grass had worn off and now I was just bored. I mean, I could do fun things with my new body, but that would be ... violation I suppose and besides, I didn't feel like getting eaten by me. Er, her. Whatever. Instead, I raised an eyebrow as Wes walked away

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[watcher_pryce]

Right. Research. Let's get to it, because those two are slowly driving me insane. Not that they don't do an admirable job of it in their own bodies, but at least I know how to handle them then. Somewhat. This entire body switch is just too strange for words.

Walking into the office, still stiff from fighting that damn goddess, I stare at the books. Well, the books I've been researching are still on the table. But since there was *never* any mention of the abilities such as has been shown this evening I'm guessing they're useless. I'll put them aside for now.

Puling down a few other books, I settle myself behind my desk again and start to research. I'm still angry at Faith for pretending to be Angel. I poured some of the problems out to her, hoping I'd get them fixed between Angel and I, only to find out it wasn't even Angel. Now I'll never get the courage to tell him again.

Damn those two. Maybe I *should* do a little pretending of my own as well. Just like they did. But that would probably only backfire. And since everything seems to be my fault anyway, better not. Research then. Flipping through the books I hardly look up as someone walks in. Faith's footfalls, though they sound off. Angel of course.

When he starts to talk, I look up and blink. I don't think I've heard him say this much in... Well, ever. While eating cookies. Chocolate chip cookies from the looks of it. That's quite a disturbing image.

"Am I?" I ask quietly, tilting my head. "Your friend? Because the way you've been acting lately I don't get that idea. Is it something I did? Am I that...disgusting to you? That you cannot even look at me and not seem the mistakes I made?" While he can see past the ones Faith made.

[__angel]

I listened to him as he talked and finished off the last of my cookie. I didn’t know when the next time would be when I could have another cookie, so I took advantage of it. I was actually thinking of getting more cookies, but not right now. Wes and I were talking and it was … pretty serious, yet, it seemed like he didn’t believe a word that I said. Figured. Tilting my head, I scrunched up my nose when dark hair fell in my face. Pushing it back with my hand, I scooted up on the chair, hoping the hair wouldn’t attack me again. But, the hair did smell good though.

“Look, you’re not disgusting, why would you even say that? What did you expect me to say? Oh yeah, go and take my kid, whatever it’s okay? And then everything else happened … and I … we all have done things in our lives, or well, unlife if you include me, which of course, we will, but we all make mistakes and yes, I miss my son terribly, but I feel that he’d still be here if I wasn’t the one who was stupid. It’s my fault. Not yours. I understand that and … I just want all of this behind us.”

Sitting back in my chair, I looked him over and then thought about the others who lost their lives working for me. Fred, Illyria, Gunn, Spike, everyone. And it was all my fault. How could I have been so stupid? Then again, they all had a choice too and that’s what they chose, right? So I wasn’t alone in this?

Doubtful.

[watcher_pryce]

Alright, he seems to be more occupied with other things then pay attention to me. At least now he has the fact that he's in someone else's body to use for an excuse. And how in the hell can it be his fault? When barely a year ago he blamed me and pushed a pillow over my face. And then took away my memories.

"That's not what I was talking about precisely, Angel," I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "I was more refering to our behavior over the last few days. I've hardly seen hide nor hair from you since I came out of the hospital. And when I do you're downright hostile."

Which was true. He cannot deny that. *Especially* not after he bloody growled at me this evening for no apparent reason what so ever. I was fine with everything, giving him the room he apparently needed, but that growl had been un-called for.

"And that your son died, isn't your fault, I don't see how it can be." Just by creating him? Then I suppose I should blame my father for my eventual death as well. Since I'd been trained to be a watcher and put in this world from the day I was born. At least Angel did his damn best to protect his son.

[__angel]

Right. Now I understood where everything was coming from, or at least it was a little bit more clear. I sighed as I sat there, wanting another cookie, but I didn't want to get up. This was important and we needed to talk about this. Leaning forward, I watched him closely and thought about what he said.

It wasn't my fault.

How could he say that? It was my fault. That's the only thing I won't agree with him or anyone else with because I knew it was my fault. It always was anyway.

"I know my attitude has been ... bad the last couple of days. I've had a lot on my mind and I felt that you were ... jumping all over me, but you know? It's okay. We'll get past it." I said and then sat back in my chair that I was sitting in.

"We always do."

[watcher_pryce]

Typical. So typical of Angel. By pass the real problem and make a beeline toward the one you can handle. Flight behavior. Seriously, you'd think that after more then two hundred years he'd have learned something. He'd have learned how to deal with certain things.

Sighing, I opened a book unconsciously, fingers tracing the edges idly. It soothed me, calmed me down. Books were familiar old friends. We went back even beyond Los Angeles. Back to my childhood where they'd been my only comfort. Just at they were now. We were all lost, and all three of us were doing a piss poor job of helping the other.

But how can you help others when you're lost yourself?

"Jumping all over you?" I repeated, giving him a confused stare. "Angel, I left you alone to give you the pace you wanted and needed. I've not even seen you until this evening. What are you talking about?" He's talking in riddles. I bet he doesn't even know himself why he's treating me like dirt and acting the way he did. Which was completely uncalled for.

"Was it something I did? Even though I didn't see you at all. Was it something I said? Showergell I used? Shampoo? What? Tell me Angel so I can try and fix it."

[__angel]

Really, I didn’t know what to say anymore. It seemed like he was right, I was wrong. The things I needed to say weren’t coming out right, they never do anyway, why would I expect them to come out right now? They wouldn’t and I was tired of sitting here trying to explain something that was never going to come out. With a sigh, I ran my hand over my face and nodded at him before standing up. “Look, I’m sorry. For everything. I don’t know how to say it … I don’t know how to … just …” Letting out a breath, I looked up at him sadly.

“I am sorry.”

With that, I got up from the chair and walked out of the office. I think right now I just wanted to be alone and actually think about what was going on. Tomorrow I would go to him and try to get my body back. Cause, really … although Faith is … well, hot. I do want my body back. Looking down at my ‘new’ body, I sighed and then grinned a little. I wonder what Faith was up to and what she was doing. I haven’t heard her in awhile.

But, I was more craving food than anything else and I walked myself to the kitchen so I could raid the fridge.

[watcher_pryce]

Frowning, I watch him leave. I'm so confused. He doesn't want to fix this? This whatever it is that keeps standing between us? I'm offering him to fix it and he walks away? I don’t'- I really don't know what to do anymore.

His mouth say 'stay', but then his entire body language is pushing me away. And I doubt I can talk to Faith about it, about what she thinks of this. She's in Angel's body and lied to me. She lied to make me stay as well. At least her actions do not belie her words. Even if she does have a crappy way of doing it.

I stared at the door a long time after he walked out. Were things ever going to be even remotely alright between us? I had my doubt, not if Angel didn't even know what I could do to fix it. Obviously it was something I've done or said, but he doesn't tell me, I can't bloody fix it.

Sighing, I shook my head. There was no use talking to him. Not if he kept running away everytime we got closer to the subject. Not if he kept pulling me closer only to push me away again. I'd have to think about it after my research. That was more important right now. Those two couldn't stay in each other's body. It was already driving them crazy...er.