Stockholm Syndrome
Written for snogged in the nekid_spike Secret Santa games of 2012. My first endeavour into angst and non-con.
Please do keep the title of the fic in mind as you read.
Pairing: Spike/Willow
Setting: AU during Lovers Walk
Word count: 4142
Disclaimer: The characters are sadly not mine. I just play with them.
Beta: the always lovely PeaceHeather
Rating: Adults only
Warnings: Angst, non-con sex, sexual situations
Stockholm Syndrome
Day 1:
I've never been to Mexico before. When I was little, my parents brought me along on a few vacations and business trips but none that I can really remember. I was too small. Once I was old enough to appreciate it, they'd hired Au-pairs to stay at home with me instead.
This is my first proper out-of-the-country trip. The first one that counts.
It's probably also my last.
If I could have one wish, I'd wish that I had never discovered my magical abilities. None of this would have happened if I wasn't a witch. I wouldn't have been in the school after dark to try and do a de-lusting spell on myself and Xander. I wouldn't have been kidnapped by Spike, one of the most notorious vampires in the world. And he wouldn't have gotten it into his head to take me with him in the first place, as the only reason he needs me is for another stupid spell.
At first, when he brought me to the old burnt-out factory, I put my hopes on getting him to take me to the magic box for ingredients. It wasn't technically a lie, I couldn't do the spell for him with nothing to work with, but it would also have allowed me to maybe signal that something was wrong to the friendly shopkeeper or leave behind some kind of sign of my peril. Alternately, if he left me behind and went to get the stuff himself, I could try to escape.
Instead, he dragged me out to his monster of a car and suddenly there were handcuffs. He cuffed my ankle to something metal underneath the passenger seat and off we went.
Spike has a preference for blaring loud, obnoxious punk music while driving. I didn't mind; it's better than awkward silence or worse, trying to make conversation. I just know I'd say something wrong and set him off.
He drove south, towards San Diego.
I thought he'd stop and get the ingredients there, but he didn't even slow down. My hopes of escape rose again when we approached the border, but he simply flashed his game face at the guards and they waved us onward. Tijuana flew past the car windows and we were still heading south.
Only when the sky began to brighten near the horizon did he stop. He pulled into a roadside motel and left me in the car while he got a room. I panicked when he pushed open the door and I saw there was only one bed, but he noticed and made this disgusted face and told me not to flatter myself.
Which is worse, being taken by force or not being good enough to be taken at all?
He pulled me into the bathroom and had me lie down in the tub. He cuffed my wrist this time, attached the other end to the pipes and threw some towels into my lap. I asked him to bring me the little notepad and pen from the nightstand so I could write all of this down. If he kills me, hopefully the person that finds me will pass these papers on to Rupert Giles or Buffy Summers, both of Sunnydale, California, so they'll know what happened to me.
Day 2:
Spike has no shame. At all. He left the bathroom door open last night so he could keep an eye on me and undressed where I could see him. Apparently he sleeps naked. This is something I really did not need to know.
When he woke me up in the evening, he was still walking around completely naked. He hunkered down right next to the tub to remove the cuffs so I could shower, and Oh My God, awkward. I tried to keep my eyes away and look at the cracked porcelain tiles but that only made him laugh and call me a blushing virgin.
At least he closed the door to give me privacy, I guess.
Once I was done and dressed, he cuffed me up again so he could take his turn. Unfortunately there wasn't anything to attach the handcuff to in the main room, so I was chained to the sink while he showered. I'm not sure if this can get any more embarrassing.
As soon as it was dark enough, we left. I have no idea where we are by now, beyond somewhere in Mexico. I asked him where we were going before he turned the loud music on again, but he just said 'south'. Suppose I shouldn't have bothered asking, it's obvious that he's heading back to Drusilla.
My stomach started rumbling after a couple hours and he somehow heard it through the music. He didn't say anything, just stared at me with this contemptuous look, like how dare I be a bother to him and need sustenance. He found a fast food drive-thru all the same and let me pick what I wanted off the menu board. That's how I found out he speaks passable Spanish.
The rest of the night was uneventful. In the dark, the scenery all looks the same and I still didn't dare try a conversation.
He found us another fleabag motel for the day, but this time he also grabbed some local takeout fliers from the lobby and handed them to me. I chose a pizza place that looked decent. After he'd placed our order, he told me he'd eat the delivery guy if I so much as looked at him twice or tried to signal to him in any way. Not wanting to risk someone else's life, I went into the bathroom while he was there and thankfully Spike let him go.
It made me wonder when he is planning on eating. I obviously don't want anyone to die, but I'd much rather be around a content vampire than a hungry one.
Once again my bed is the bathtub.
Day 3:
When Spike woke me up, two troublesome things were immediately clear. First and foremost, my back was rather unhappy about sleeping on porcelain. Secondly, Spike was naked as a jaybird again, and there were smears of creamy white on his stomach.
I pretended not to notice, but I'm fairly sure he doesn't care either way.
After giving it some thought, I've decided to not be offended by his apparent distaste for me. He's on a mission to get Dru back, after all, and being unfaithful to her is likely the last thing on his mind. Not that it's something I wanted to happen, I just couldn't help feeling hurt all the same. It reminded me of all the times in my life when I've been rejected for not being pretty enough, and that niggling voice in my head that keeps saying Xander was only interested when he could no longer have me, and if Oz left, Xander wouldn't want me anymore.
We took turns showering again and afterward, when he was getting dressed, I built up the courage to ask whether he was planning on keeping me alive much longer. If he was surprised by the question, he didn't show it. A while, he said.
Then I'm going to need some other clothes, or these are going to start to smell, I told him.
He chewed on his lip at facing another inconvenience but eventually he nodded. After cuffing me in the car, he went to hand in the room key. I hadn't paid much attention the day before when he did it, but this time I noticed the changes in him. He came back with lips that were a shade or two redder than before and his pale skin seemed to glow with health.
So that's how he fed. Ingenious, really. It allowed him to not only get the cash back that he'd paid for the room (and more, probably), but he was also eliminating the problem of the clerk remembering his rather unusual description. Just in case someone came by looking for a bleached punk and a missing girl or there were pictures on the news or something.
It was this coupled with us crossing the border into Guatemala later that night which made me realize I wasn't going to be rescued. Spike was too clever and he'd taken me too far away.
Day 6:
The two days following my epiphany are days I'd rather forget. I cried so much Spike ended up buying a roll of tape at a gas station to, quite literally, shut me up. I lost count of how many more borders we crossed during that time, but we're in Venezuela now, following along the coast.
He got some clothes for me. Stole them, probably, but I've stopped caring about things like that. I simply don't have any energy to spare on it. It's much warmer here than in California, so I've taken to wearing this long, flow-y white skirt rather than jeans.
My back is killing me. Not even the hot shower every evening is helping and I feel stiff and sore all the time. I want to ask him if he'd be willing to get us a twin room next time we stop - it's not like he doesn't take his money back so the extra cost shouldn't be a problem - but I'm scared. The last thing I want is to be a bother. The less of a nuisance I am, the longer I'll probably live.
Day 7:
He never said a word about it, but he must have noticed my silent suffering; when I walked into the motel room this morning it had a double bed. Instead of cuffing me to the tub as usual, he cuffed our ankles together and told me if I woke him up from snoring or moving around too much, he'd kill me.
As you might expect, I didn't sleep much, but it was worth it just to lie on a mattress again. I'm still very sore but feel a lot better.
I'm even getting used to the whole nudity thing. Not that I plan on joining him in his hippie lifestyle anytime soon, especially now that we are apparently sharing a bed, but I no longer flinch or look away when I accidentally catch a glimpse. And there's something I never thought I'd ever write: I can look at Spike's penis without flinching. Wonderful.
How my life has changed in just a week.
Day 8:
I'm trying very hard to not hear the sounds coming from the shower.
This motel room has an old fashioned, rock-solid radiator in the main room to attach the handcuffs to, and I guess he's celebrating being able to shower without me in the room with him. Which is funny, I wouldn't have thought it'd stop him with his lax attitude to everything naughty, but that at least is something he's kept reasonably private. I see the, uh, 'leftovers' on his belly all the time, but never anything else.
And thank God for that.
Day 10:
We're somewhere along the coast of Brazil, heading toward Sao Paulo. I'm not really sure what's going to happen when we get there, but I assume he'll get those ingredients finally and want me to do the spell. Then he'll probably check with Drusilla to make sure it worked and either eat me, give me to her to eat or let me go.
My money's not on the latter.
He talks about her sometimes when he gets bored with the music. He'll go off on these long monologues about the old days and how glorious everything was. Just him and Dru against the world. The inseparable pair; the Princess and her Dark Knight.
I feel bad for him. It's painfully obvious that he loves her so much and she just doesn't feel the same way anymore and has done some pretty hurtful things to him. I hope for his sake that the spell works.
I try very hard to not think about how I did the same thing to Oz, and how he probably knows about it. Even if Xander didn't tell the truth about why we were in the chem lab up front, Giles would have figured out what kind of spell I was setting up and it would have come out by now.
They're probably not even looking for me. I cheated on my boyfriend with my best friend, who also had a girlfriend. Who would want such an awful person back?
Day 11:
It appears we've reached our destination. Spike stopped the car outside this old and slightly run-down mansion and I was taken inside and locked in a bedroom. A short while later, he showed up again with another male vampire and instructed the new one that I was not food and if he found a single scratch on me, there would be hell to pay.
The new guy, whose name I don't know and haven't asked, seems to be a sort of guard for me. Spike was away nearly all night, but when he came back he had a bag full of spell ingredients with him as well as three different books. They were even in English.
I told him I'd need time to select the most appropriate spell and set it up. He told me I had twenty-four hours and instructed my guard to keep me fed, then he was off again. Probably to track down Dru.
Needless to say, I'm very nervous about the spell. I found a good one easily enough, but what if it doesn't work? What if I mess it up somehow and it makes Dru love someone else? Or if it makes all women fall for Spike except for Dru, like when Amy tried to make Cordelia love Xander?
Then again, there's that small voice inside me that reminds me I'm likely dead either way so what does it matter?
Day 12:
When Spike's deadline was up and he came back, he made a show of pulling at my shirt to check my neck and wrists for marks. He needn't have bothered, my guard mostly stays out of my way and I out of his.
The spell went off without a hitch. At least I think so. The candles all went out at the end, which is meant to signify success, and Spike left and hasn't come back all night. If it hadn't worked he would have been back by now to string me up by my toes, I'm sure.
Still, I can't help but worry.
Day 13:
No sign of Spike. The guard vamp (whose name is Tony) continues to bring me food, though, and he's even fetched some English books for me so I won't be so bored.
Time is passing so slowly.
Day 16:
He finally showed up today, looking happier than I've ever seen him before. All he said was that it'd worked, Dru loved him again and they were still celebrating their reunion but he wouldn't let me go just yet, as he wanted 'insurance'. I could tell he didn't really want to be here and he wasn't focused on me at all. It was a brief visit.
Day 19:
Spike came by again today, but this time he brought Drusilla with him. She was her usual mad self, all riddles and bug eyes. She creeps me out so much. She wanted to 'play' with me, but thankfully Spike wouldn't let her.
He didn't look as happy as before, but I guess that's to be expected now that the initial reunion fever is over. I was surprised he refused to let Dru have me, but it's probably that whole insurance thing. Maybe he's concerned the spell will end or something.
Day 21:
Tony brought me this battered old TV and set it up for me. Every morning I watch the kid shows and try to teach myself more Spanish, so I can understand more of the soap operas and movies.
I'm going to ask if he can get me an English-to-Spanish dictionary, too.
Day 24:
Something's not right. Spike came by again today and he kept staring off into nothing, all lost in thought. He was unusually quiet, too. Drusilla is still with him and still very much in love with him, however, so I'm not sure what's going on.
Perhaps it still hurts, the things she did in between. I suppose it's not something you can ever really forget, even after things return to normal.
Day 26:
Last night Spike came back and it was more clear than ever that something was off. He was short tempered and in a bad mood, but didn't say why. He sent Tony away after shouting at him for a bit and spent the next half-hour throwing stuff around in the main rooms.
By the time he came into my room, I was terrified and curled up in a corner. He grabbed me by the hair and threw me onto the bed. There, he proceeded to shake me violently by the shoulders, screaming at me that it wasn't real, it wasn't really her. He said he could see the real Drusilla underneath and she resented him for what he'd done to her and it was all my fault.
I tried to protest, but it became clear he wasn't listening so I stopped. Still ranting about how he'd lost her forever now, and it was all my doing, he began to tear at my clothes and scratch at my skin. Spike's hands on my body, everywhere. Spike's mouth at my neck, biting and tearing into flesh. Spike drinking from me in great, big, hungry gulps.
Then, instead of the end I was certain came next: Spike inside me.
He was so rough and forceful that I felt like I was being ripped apart. I cried out, knowing full-well that no one would hear me. He moved so fast and so hard one of the bed posts cracked and made the bed sag a little.
Despite the anger and the hatred spewing out of his mouth, I knew, somehow, that it was nothing but a cover. Despite the hurt he was causing me, despite the very wrong thing he was doing to me, I lifted my arms and put them around him. I let my fingertips trail down his spine, buried my fingers in his hair and held him close as he violated me.
He slowed down. First just a little, then more and more until he reached a speed where I could follow. When I started to move with him, his eyes, which had been closed the whole time, opened and he looked down at me. There was only one thing to read in those eyes: Heartache.
We moved together and I kept stroking his back, his shoulders, his cheek, his hair. I cradled his face when I wanted him to slow and ran my hands down to dig into the flesh of his ass when I wanted him to go faster. It took a while, what with the rough start, but eventually I felt it begin to build in me, and it built and built and built until I came undone under him. Still, he kept moving.
It wasn't until I pulled him down to my face to suck and nip at his neck that he managed to lose himself in the moment and finish. He didn't say a word after, just buried his face in my hair and clung to me like a man drowning. I held him tight until he fell asleep.
When I woke up again, he was gone.
Day 27:
Today he came to ask me to undo the spell. It wasn't right, he said. Drusilla didn't really love him, and it wasn't possible for him to ignore it anymore.
I nodded and got out the spell books. Neither of us mentioned what had happened between us.
The reversal was quick. Once it was done, he told me to pack my clothes; he was taking me home. I wasn't sure if I really believed it or not, but once I was ready he led me out to his car and we drove off towards the coast and north.
He didn't bother with the handcuffs.
Day 28:
The first night in a motel room together was awkward. He'd gotten us a twin room and for the first time he waited until I was in the bathroom before he undressed and was safely under the covers before I'd returned.
During the drive later that evening, I decided to bring it up. He's no longer in the mood for music and we now drive in complete silence unless I initiate a conversation, and the long stretches of quiet are starting to drive me insane. Isn't it a bit backwards, I said casually, how you had no modesty to speak of until after we had sex?
Saying it out loud like that did something. Punctured the infected blister and forced it out you might say. He flinched, but then calmly corrected me, asking if I didn't mean 'until after he raped me' instead.
I told him I meant what I said, and I did. He fell silent at that, but he reached out a hand to squeeze mine. I squeezed back and turned on the radio.
Day 29:
When we stopped for a motel room, I went with him to get the keys and cut in before he could say anything, requesting a double room. He didn't object, but I could tell he wasn't happy about it.
Once again he undressed and got into bed while I was in the bathroom. He was lying on his side, facing away from me, but I didn't let that deter me. I slid under the covers and curled up behind him, spooning him. His body was tense for what seemed like hours before he finally relaxed and fell asleep.
Day 33:
We've got a routine now. Each morning we sleep curled up together, holding each other until it's dark again. Each night we drive.
Tonight we drove past this long stretch of deserted beach and I made him stop so I could cool my legs in the surf. I don't think I've ever seen anything as pretty, with the moonlight shining down on the waves as they washed up on the perfectly smooth and untouched sand.
Have you ever had sex on the beach? I asked him. Lots of times, he said. Well, I haven't, I said.
He took the hint. We laid down half in and half out of the water and he warned me that I'd be getting sand in places I'd never had sand before. I didn't care, there was an entire ocean for me to wash in after.
We had our first kiss there, on the beach. First lots of things, really.
Afterward, he wanted to know if I was coping with what had happened by trying to make this whole thing into a sort of relationship. It already is, I told him. A really fucked up one, but I can't help it. I want to make him forget about Drusilla. I want him to make me forget everything.
Day 35:
There was another impromptu stop today when we came by this roadside restaurant. Spike told me he and Dru had once come here, eating dinner together all proper before taking the waiter as their dessert.
As we sat in the car, looking at this darkened and empty building, he began to cry. He didn't make a sound, just let the tears fall quietly. Why doesn't she love me anymore? he asked me. I don't know, I said.
But I love him. I wonder if he knows.
Day 37:
Sunnydale.
There was a time when I never thought I'd ever see it again. There was a time when I thought I would give my left arm to be back here.
He stopped the car outside my parents house, but I couldn't bring myself to get out. All I could think of was how even though I was finally home, I could never truly go back to the way things were. I thought of how Xander didn't need me and didn't really want me either. He just wanted what he couldn't have. Oz wanted me, or at least he used to, but he never needed me.
Spike needs me. And I need him.
I asked him to drive to Giles' house instead and he obliged without comment.
When we get there, I'm going to ask him to wait as I drop this notepad into the mailbox. Then I'm going to ask him to drive us away. I don't know where, just away from here. Away from ourselves.
Please don't try to find us. We don't want to be found.
Please do keep the title of the fic in mind as you read.
Pairing: Spike/Willow
Setting: AU during Lovers Walk
Word count: 4142
Disclaimer: The characters are sadly not mine. I just play with them.
Beta: the always lovely PeaceHeather
Rating: Adults only
Warnings: Angst, non-con sex, sexual situations
Stockholm Syndrome
Day 1:
I've never been to Mexico before. When I was little, my parents brought me along on a few vacations and business trips but none that I can really remember. I was too small. Once I was old enough to appreciate it, they'd hired Au-pairs to stay at home with me instead.
This is my first proper out-of-the-country trip. The first one that counts.
It's probably also my last.
If I could have one wish, I'd wish that I had never discovered my magical abilities. None of this would have happened if I wasn't a witch. I wouldn't have been in the school after dark to try and do a de-lusting spell on myself and Xander. I wouldn't have been kidnapped by Spike, one of the most notorious vampires in the world. And he wouldn't have gotten it into his head to take me with him in the first place, as the only reason he needs me is for another stupid spell.
At first, when he brought me to the old burnt-out factory, I put my hopes on getting him to take me to the magic box for ingredients. It wasn't technically a lie, I couldn't do the spell for him with nothing to work with, but it would also have allowed me to maybe signal that something was wrong to the friendly shopkeeper or leave behind some kind of sign of my peril. Alternately, if he left me behind and went to get the stuff himself, I could try to escape.
Instead, he dragged me out to his monster of a car and suddenly there were handcuffs. He cuffed my ankle to something metal underneath the passenger seat and off we went.
Spike has a preference for blaring loud, obnoxious punk music while driving. I didn't mind; it's better than awkward silence or worse, trying to make conversation. I just know I'd say something wrong and set him off.
He drove south, towards San Diego.
I thought he'd stop and get the ingredients there, but he didn't even slow down. My hopes of escape rose again when we approached the border, but he simply flashed his game face at the guards and they waved us onward. Tijuana flew past the car windows and we were still heading south.
Only when the sky began to brighten near the horizon did he stop. He pulled into a roadside motel and left me in the car while he got a room. I panicked when he pushed open the door and I saw there was only one bed, but he noticed and made this disgusted face and told me not to flatter myself.
Which is worse, being taken by force or not being good enough to be taken at all?
He pulled me into the bathroom and had me lie down in the tub. He cuffed my wrist this time, attached the other end to the pipes and threw some towels into my lap. I asked him to bring me the little notepad and pen from the nightstand so I could write all of this down. If he kills me, hopefully the person that finds me will pass these papers on to Rupert Giles or Buffy Summers, both of Sunnydale, California, so they'll know what happened to me.
Day 2:
Spike has no shame. At all. He left the bathroom door open last night so he could keep an eye on me and undressed where I could see him. Apparently he sleeps naked. This is something I really did not need to know.
When he woke me up in the evening, he was still walking around completely naked. He hunkered down right next to the tub to remove the cuffs so I could shower, and Oh My God, awkward. I tried to keep my eyes away and look at the cracked porcelain tiles but that only made him laugh and call me a blushing virgin.
At least he closed the door to give me privacy, I guess.
Once I was done and dressed, he cuffed me up again so he could take his turn. Unfortunately there wasn't anything to attach the handcuff to in the main room, so I was chained to the sink while he showered. I'm not sure if this can get any more embarrassing.
As soon as it was dark enough, we left. I have no idea where we are by now, beyond somewhere in Mexico. I asked him where we were going before he turned the loud music on again, but he just said 'south'. Suppose I shouldn't have bothered asking, it's obvious that he's heading back to Drusilla.
My stomach started rumbling after a couple hours and he somehow heard it through the music. He didn't say anything, just stared at me with this contemptuous look, like how dare I be a bother to him and need sustenance. He found a fast food drive-thru all the same and let me pick what I wanted off the menu board. That's how I found out he speaks passable Spanish.
The rest of the night was uneventful. In the dark, the scenery all looks the same and I still didn't dare try a conversation.
He found us another fleabag motel for the day, but this time he also grabbed some local takeout fliers from the lobby and handed them to me. I chose a pizza place that looked decent. After he'd placed our order, he told me he'd eat the delivery guy if I so much as looked at him twice or tried to signal to him in any way. Not wanting to risk someone else's life, I went into the bathroom while he was there and thankfully Spike let him go.
It made me wonder when he is planning on eating. I obviously don't want anyone to die, but I'd much rather be around a content vampire than a hungry one.
Once again my bed is the bathtub.
Day 3:
When Spike woke me up, two troublesome things were immediately clear. First and foremost, my back was rather unhappy about sleeping on porcelain. Secondly, Spike was naked as a jaybird again, and there were smears of creamy white on his stomach.
I pretended not to notice, but I'm fairly sure he doesn't care either way.
After giving it some thought, I've decided to not be offended by his apparent distaste for me. He's on a mission to get Dru back, after all, and being unfaithful to her is likely the last thing on his mind. Not that it's something I wanted to happen, I just couldn't help feeling hurt all the same. It reminded me of all the times in my life when I've been rejected for not being pretty enough, and that niggling voice in my head that keeps saying Xander was only interested when he could no longer have me, and if Oz left, Xander wouldn't want me anymore.
We took turns showering again and afterward, when he was getting dressed, I built up the courage to ask whether he was planning on keeping me alive much longer. If he was surprised by the question, he didn't show it. A while, he said.
Then I'm going to need some other clothes, or these are going to start to smell, I told him.
He chewed on his lip at facing another inconvenience but eventually he nodded. After cuffing me in the car, he went to hand in the room key. I hadn't paid much attention the day before when he did it, but this time I noticed the changes in him. He came back with lips that were a shade or two redder than before and his pale skin seemed to glow with health.
So that's how he fed. Ingenious, really. It allowed him to not only get the cash back that he'd paid for the room (and more, probably), but he was also eliminating the problem of the clerk remembering his rather unusual description. Just in case someone came by looking for a bleached punk and a missing girl or there were pictures on the news or something.
It was this coupled with us crossing the border into Guatemala later that night which made me realize I wasn't going to be rescued. Spike was too clever and he'd taken me too far away.
Day 6:
The two days following my epiphany are days I'd rather forget. I cried so much Spike ended up buying a roll of tape at a gas station to, quite literally, shut me up. I lost count of how many more borders we crossed during that time, but we're in Venezuela now, following along the coast.
He got some clothes for me. Stole them, probably, but I've stopped caring about things like that. I simply don't have any energy to spare on it. It's much warmer here than in California, so I've taken to wearing this long, flow-y white skirt rather than jeans.
My back is killing me. Not even the hot shower every evening is helping and I feel stiff and sore all the time. I want to ask him if he'd be willing to get us a twin room next time we stop - it's not like he doesn't take his money back so the extra cost shouldn't be a problem - but I'm scared. The last thing I want is to be a bother. The less of a nuisance I am, the longer I'll probably live.
Day 7:
He never said a word about it, but he must have noticed my silent suffering; when I walked into the motel room this morning it had a double bed. Instead of cuffing me to the tub as usual, he cuffed our ankles together and told me if I woke him up from snoring or moving around too much, he'd kill me.
As you might expect, I didn't sleep much, but it was worth it just to lie on a mattress again. I'm still very sore but feel a lot better.
I'm even getting used to the whole nudity thing. Not that I plan on joining him in his hippie lifestyle anytime soon, especially now that we are apparently sharing a bed, but I no longer flinch or look away when I accidentally catch a glimpse. And there's something I never thought I'd ever write: I can look at Spike's penis without flinching. Wonderful.
How my life has changed in just a week.
Day 8:
I'm trying very hard to not hear the sounds coming from the shower.
This motel room has an old fashioned, rock-solid radiator in the main room to attach the handcuffs to, and I guess he's celebrating being able to shower without me in the room with him. Which is funny, I wouldn't have thought it'd stop him with his lax attitude to everything naughty, but that at least is something he's kept reasonably private. I see the, uh, 'leftovers' on his belly all the time, but never anything else.
And thank God for that.
Day 10:
We're somewhere along the coast of Brazil, heading toward Sao Paulo. I'm not really sure what's going to happen when we get there, but I assume he'll get those ingredients finally and want me to do the spell. Then he'll probably check with Drusilla to make sure it worked and either eat me, give me to her to eat or let me go.
My money's not on the latter.
He talks about her sometimes when he gets bored with the music. He'll go off on these long monologues about the old days and how glorious everything was. Just him and Dru against the world. The inseparable pair; the Princess and her Dark Knight.
I feel bad for him. It's painfully obvious that he loves her so much and she just doesn't feel the same way anymore and has done some pretty hurtful things to him. I hope for his sake that the spell works.
I try very hard to not think about how I did the same thing to Oz, and how he probably knows about it. Even if Xander didn't tell the truth about why we were in the chem lab up front, Giles would have figured out what kind of spell I was setting up and it would have come out by now.
They're probably not even looking for me. I cheated on my boyfriend with my best friend, who also had a girlfriend. Who would want such an awful person back?
Day 11:
It appears we've reached our destination. Spike stopped the car outside this old and slightly run-down mansion and I was taken inside and locked in a bedroom. A short while later, he showed up again with another male vampire and instructed the new one that I was not food and if he found a single scratch on me, there would be hell to pay.
The new guy, whose name I don't know and haven't asked, seems to be a sort of guard for me. Spike was away nearly all night, but when he came back he had a bag full of spell ingredients with him as well as three different books. They were even in English.
I told him I'd need time to select the most appropriate spell and set it up. He told me I had twenty-four hours and instructed my guard to keep me fed, then he was off again. Probably to track down Dru.
Needless to say, I'm very nervous about the spell. I found a good one easily enough, but what if it doesn't work? What if I mess it up somehow and it makes Dru love someone else? Or if it makes all women fall for Spike except for Dru, like when Amy tried to make Cordelia love Xander?
Then again, there's that small voice inside me that reminds me I'm likely dead either way so what does it matter?
Day 12:
When Spike's deadline was up and he came back, he made a show of pulling at my shirt to check my neck and wrists for marks. He needn't have bothered, my guard mostly stays out of my way and I out of his.
The spell went off without a hitch. At least I think so. The candles all went out at the end, which is meant to signify success, and Spike left and hasn't come back all night. If it hadn't worked he would have been back by now to string me up by my toes, I'm sure.
Still, I can't help but worry.
Day 13:
No sign of Spike. The guard vamp (whose name is Tony) continues to bring me food, though, and he's even fetched some English books for me so I won't be so bored.
Time is passing so slowly.
Day 16:
He finally showed up today, looking happier than I've ever seen him before. All he said was that it'd worked, Dru loved him again and they were still celebrating their reunion but he wouldn't let me go just yet, as he wanted 'insurance'. I could tell he didn't really want to be here and he wasn't focused on me at all. It was a brief visit.
Day 19:
Spike came by again today, but this time he brought Drusilla with him. She was her usual mad self, all riddles and bug eyes. She creeps me out so much. She wanted to 'play' with me, but thankfully Spike wouldn't let her.
He didn't look as happy as before, but I guess that's to be expected now that the initial reunion fever is over. I was surprised he refused to let Dru have me, but it's probably that whole insurance thing. Maybe he's concerned the spell will end or something.
Day 21:
Tony brought me this battered old TV and set it up for me. Every morning I watch the kid shows and try to teach myself more Spanish, so I can understand more of the soap operas and movies.
I'm going to ask if he can get me an English-to-Spanish dictionary, too.
Day 24:
Something's not right. Spike came by again today and he kept staring off into nothing, all lost in thought. He was unusually quiet, too. Drusilla is still with him and still very much in love with him, however, so I'm not sure what's going on.
Perhaps it still hurts, the things she did in between. I suppose it's not something you can ever really forget, even after things return to normal.
Day 26:
Last night Spike came back and it was more clear than ever that something was off. He was short tempered and in a bad mood, but didn't say why. He sent Tony away after shouting at him for a bit and spent the next half-hour throwing stuff around in the main rooms.
By the time he came into my room, I was terrified and curled up in a corner. He grabbed me by the hair and threw me onto the bed. There, he proceeded to shake me violently by the shoulders, screaming at me that it wasn't real, it wasn't really her. He said he could see the real Drusilla underneath and she resented him for what he'd done to her and it was all my fault.
I tried to protest, but it became clear he wasn't listening so I stopped. Still ranting about how he'd lost her forever now, and it was all my doing, he began to tear at my clothes and scratch at my skin. Spike's hands on my body, everywhere. Spike's mouth at my neck, biting and tearing into flesh. Spike drinking from me in great, big, hungry gulps.
Then, instead of the end I was certain came next: Spike inside me.
He was so rough and forceful that I felt like I was being ripped apart. I cried out, knowing full-well that no one would hear me. He moved so fast and so hard one of the bed posts cracked and made the bed sag a little.
Despite the anger and the hatred spewing out of his mouth, I knew, somehow, that it was nothing but a cover. Despite the hurt he was causing me, despite the very wrong thing he was doing to me, I lifted my arms and put them around him. I let my fingertips trail down his spine, buried my fingers in his hair and held him close as he violated me.
He slowed down. First just a little, then more and more until he reached a speed where I could follow. When I started to move with him, his eyes, which had been closed the whole time, opened and he looked down at me. There was only one thing to read in those eyes: Heartache.
We moved together and I kept stroking his back, his shoulders, his cheek, his hair. I cradled his face when I wanted him to slow and ran my hands down to dig into the flesh of his ass when I wanted him to go faster. It took a while, what with the rough start, but eventually I felt it begin to build in me, and it built and built and built until I came undone under him. Still, he kept moving.
It wasn't until I pulled him down to my face to suck and nip at his neck that he managed to lose himself in the moment and finish. He didn't say a word after, just buried his face in my hair and clung to me like a man drowning. I held him tight until he fell asleep.
When I woke up again, he was gone.
Day 27:
Today he came to ask me to undo the spell. It wasn't right, he said. Drusilla didn't really love him, and it wasn't possible for him to ignore it anymore.
I nodded and got out the spell books. Neither of us mentioned what had happened between us.
The reversal was quick. Once it was done, he told me to pack my clothes; he was taking me home. I wasn't sure if I really believed it or not, but once I was ready he led me out to his car and we drove off towards the coast and north.
He didn't bother with the handcuffs.
Day 28:
The first night in a motel room together was awkward. He'd gotten us a twin room and for the first time he waited until I was in the bathroom before he undressed and was safely under the covers before I'd returned.
During the drive later that evening, I decided to bring it up. He's no longer in the mood for music and we now drive in complete silence unless I initiate a conversation, and the long stretches of quiet are starting to drive me insane. Isn't it a bit backwards, I said casually, how you had no modesty to speak of until after we had sex?
Saying it out loud like that did something. Punctured the infected blister and forced it out you might say. He flinched, but then calmly corrected me, asking if I didn't mean 'until after he raped me' instead.
I told him I meant what I said, and I did. He fell silent at that, but he reached out a hand to squeeze mine. I squeezed back and turned on the radio.
Day 29:
When we stopped for a motel room, I went with him to get the keys and cut in before he could say anything, requesting a double room. He didn't object, but I could tell he wasn't happy about it.
Once again he undressed and got into bed while I was in the bathroom. He was lying on his side, facing away from me, but I didn't let that deter me. I slid under the covers and curled up behind him, spooning him. His body was tense for what seemed like hours before he finally relaxed and fell asleep.
Day 33:
We've got a routine now. Each morning we sleep curled up together, holding each other until it's dark again. Each night we drive.
Tonight we drove past this long stretch of deserted beach and I made him stop so I could cool my legs in the surf. I don't think I've ever seen anything as pretty, with the moonlight shining down on the waves as they washed up on the perfectly smooth and untouched sand.
Have you ever had sex on the beach? I asked him. Lots of times, he said. Well, I haven't, I said.
He took the hint. We laid down half in and half out of the water and he warned me that I'd be getting sand in places I'd never had sand before. I didn't care, there was an entire ocean for me to wash in after.
We had our first kiss there, on the beach. First lots of things, really.
Afterward, he wanted to know if I was coping with what had happened by trying to make this whole thing into a sort of relationship. It already is, I told him. A really fucked up one, but I can't help it. I want to make him forget about Drusilla. I want him to make me forget everything.
Day 35:
There was another impromptu stop today when we came by this roadside restaurant. Spike told me he and Dru had once come here, eating dinner together all proper before taking the waiter as their dessert.
As we sat in the car, looking at this darkened and empty building, he began to cry. He didn't make a sound, just let the tears fall quietly. Why doesn't she love me anymore? he asked me. I don't know, I said.
But I love him. I wonder if he knows.
Day 37:
Sunnydale.
There was a time when I never thought I'd ever see it again. There was a time when I thought I would give my left arm to be back here.
He stopped the car outside my parents house, but I couldn't bring myself to get out. All I could think of was how even though I was finally home, I could never truly go back to the way things were. I thought of how Xander didn't need me and didn't really want me either. He just wanted what he couldn't have. Oz wanted me, or at least he used to, but he never needed me.
Spike needs me. And I need him.
I asked him to drive to Giles' house instead and he obliged without comment.
When we get there, I'm going to ask him to wait as I drop this notepad into the mailbox. Then I'm going to ask him to drive us away. I don't know where, just away from here. Away from ourselves.
Please don't try to find us. We don't want to be found.