Happy holidays, cruisedirector!
Title: For Nothing and Everything (when the world's a different place)
Recipient: cruisedirector
Fandom: HP
Author: snegurochka_lee
Pairing: Snape/Lupin, hints of previous Black/Lupin
Rating: R
Words: 1,700
Warnings: Watersports; Remus being angsty
Summary: A secret, a tragedy, and twelve years of misunderstanding. Isn't it time for Remus to come to terms with what he wants?
Notes: I'm afraid I took rather extensive liberties with the 'celebration' theme… :/ But Happy holidays, cruisedirector!
For Nothing and Everything
(when the world's a different place)
i. Halloween
The retching was finished now, with nothing left to expel but blood and bone. Tear ducts were empty, and the heart - well. It was still beating, at least, though how that was possible with such a weight clenched around it, Remus would never understand.
"Drink." The low voice in his ear was hoarse and scratched down his spine.
The liquid at his mouth felt thick and tasted salty.
"Drink," the voice insisted, and Remus suddenly felt comfort from the arm around his back and the chin brushing against his hair. "I haven't much time, Lupin, and you are in no state to-"
"He thought it was James," Remus said abruptly, his mind clearing.
"What? Look, Lupin, you must drink this, so that you do not-"
Remus dutifully took a sip of the viscous stuff, wincing as it slid down his throat but immediately feeling calmer. "Sirius," he sighed. "He thought it was James I was sneaking around with."
The hand on his back tensed.
"Said he'd kill him," Remus continued, his voice breaking. "And me. He'd have come for me next."
"Lupin." The hand guided his face around until he was staring into familiar black eyes. "It was the Dark Lord. Potter was marked, remember? Listen to me. It had nothing to do with…" He trailed off, pausing to cough. "Us."
"It had everything to do with us," Remus whispered. "Everything. Don't, just-" He crawled back against the wall and crouched, suddenly ferocious like a beast waiting to pounce. "Don't touch me," he hissed. "I knew this was wrong, I knew we should never indulge in-"
"Lupin, you're not being-"
"Don't touch me!"
The last Severus saw of Remus for twelve years was the patchwork on the back of his robe as he stormed out of the cottage and down the gravel road.
~~~~~
ii. 1989
There was darkness after that, too much of it and too often, seeping into Remus's skull like oil and blinding him.
He staggered from place to place, working and eating or not working and not eating - who could keep track? There were men, and some women, and then more men. That part wasn't for money, of course; it was just for fun. Or to forget. Taking his clothes off didn't involve thinking very hard, and not thinking meant not remembering, and the last thing he wanted to do was remember, so he got used to taking his clothes off and turning his mind blank.
There was one man in Hungary - an aristocrat, he said.
"Former aristocrat?" Remus asked with a raised eyebrow, but the man didn't laugh.
"We will take our country back," the man insisted feebly, dropping his shirt to the floor. "Look around you; it is happening already! Listen," he added, wrapping his arms around Remus from behind and breathing on his neck. "You want to try something with me?"
The hands were insistent but reassuring, and despite his idealistic grasp of current politics, the man was terribly handsome. Remus leaned back into his arms. "Yeah," he murmured, closing his eyes.
"Keep eyes closed," the man ordered him, pushing him towards the bed and letting him fall back onto it. Remus took a few nervous breaths and wished he'd thought to cast a transparency charm first that would let him know what the man had in mind. It wasn't safe to trust strange men like this, that much he knew.
At the first feel of warm drops hitting his thighs, he lost himself for a moment and moaned deeply. A long dead memory surged forward in his mind and overwhelmed him, a memory of dark hair and a pale body kneeling over him, spraying hot liquid over his stomach, his thighs, his cock, and murmuring to him that their secret was safe, that no one would ever know…
"Ah yes, English like this," a strange voice muttered above him, and Remus's eyes flew open.
Horror clouded his thoughts and he jumped off the bed, shoving the man aside and grabbing his clothes from the floor.
"Hey, what?" the man called angrily as Remus headed for the door.
Remus turned only briefly, the doorknob already warm in his hand. "I don't do that," he said flatly.
~~~~~
iii. Welcoming Feast
He's back, Severus thought as he strode through the castle towards the Great Hall. It was the only phrase his mind could conjure at the moment, the only words it would form.
He's back.
The years had been long and unkind to both of them, pressing lines into their faces that made them both look much older than they were. For Severus it had been the strain of life as a dormant spy, no longer needed but not yet safe to dismiss; his forehead gained more creases with every night spent practicing Occlumency with the house-elves, and his fingers grew stiff and clumsy every night with no one in his bedroom to touch.
"There's nothing to be ashamed of," his own voice echoed in his head as he watched Remus enter the Great Hall for the first time in years.
"Yes, there is. I'm with someone, Severus. I can't keep doing this. It's not-"
"Does he give you this? Does he accept what you need and give you this?"
"No. Never. He would never-"
"Then you need someone else. You need me."
"I- oh God. Severus, please…"
"Please what?"
"Don't stop. On me, just like that. All over me. God, don't stop…"
But there was always shame, for Remus. A war raged around them and he refused to end a childhood relationship with Black, one that should have ended years before, and yet he needed the release Severus gave him. If only he hadn't treated it like punishment for some unknown crime, as though letting Severus drench him was part of some penance he had to pay.
If only he'd understood that it wasn't about that at all.
When Remus sat down at the high table for the Welcoming Feast he turned to straighten his robes and caught Severus's eye. They stared at each other and Severus was able to count to eight before Remus tilted his head, gave him a slow nod, and turned his gaze back to his plate.
~~~~~
iv. Exonerated
"I spoke to him. At length." Remus coughed to clear his throat, pacing nervously on the stone floor. "It was Pettigrew, you know it was. All this time…" He clenched his fists and shook his head, trying to clear the fog.
"Lupin."
"Is that why you did it, then, telling the Slytherins?" Remus asked, suddenly angry. "To remind me that I'm a werewolf, that I should want to be marked like that… the way you've always wanted to mark me?"
"Lupin."
"You had no right. It's not your choice, Snape. It's my choice."
"Lupin."
"He's going to be staying with me now, is that what you wanted? You've ruined it - any chance you and I might have had."
"Lupin."
"I know you don't trust him, don't believe him. I know you don't trust me."
Strong hands grabbed hold of his shoulders and shook him hard, and Remus was jolted into ceasing the pacing. "Yes," Severus said quietly, his voice firm and his eyes intent on Remus, "that's why I did it."
Remus stared into those black eyes for a long moment, searching for twelve lost years and an answer - any answer. Finally, he collapsed against Severus's body with a low moan. "It wasn't him," he murmured, his voice aching as his hands came up to frame Severus's face. "It wasn't him, he didn't know about us… what I was doing… He didn't care…"
"Foolish man," growled Severus, pulling Remus to him. "Will you believe me now?"
Remus breathed deeply, his mind swimming into focus.
"Come," Severus said quietly, taking Remus's hand.
~~~~~
v. A New Beginning
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes."
"Not good enough." The low voice hovered over Remus, seeping into his skin in the darkened room. "We cannot do this if you do not trust me."
"I trust you. God yes, I just-" With his eyes closed, Remus could feel Severus's warm breath against his neck and bare chest and the way his thigh nudged Remus's hip as Severus straddled him.
"No matter what anyone else tells you, no matter what you may tell yourself about me?"
"Snape, please. I was young and I… didn't understand."
Severus moved up Remus's body and whispered in his ear. "Do you understand now?"
"I'm allowed to want this," breathed Remus, his chest heaving and his cock straining for touch.
"Say it again," Severus ordered quietly.
"I'm allowed," Remus recited with increasing confidence, "to want this."
"Very good," Severus murmured, licking the shell of Remus's ear before withdrawing again and moving back down his body. "Now tell me what you want. What you're allowed to want," he added.
Remus's heart pounded as he tilted his head back, reclining to rest on his elbows on the bed as Severus hovered over him. "Piss on me," he said softly, a thrill sparking down his spine. It had been years since he had allowed himself to say the words, and now, to say them freely, to the one person he desired more than any of the others, was like a new world opening to him. "Drench me," he whispered, his confidence growing. "Let me feel you all over."
He heard Severus moan softly as he unleashed the first stream, hitting Remus's thighs, trickling between them and seeping into the cleft of his arse.
"Higher," he murmured as his skin heated, and Severus dutifully changed course. The feel of the hot liquid spraying his balls and up his hard cock made Remus groan loudly, collapsing onto the bed and writhing in pleasure.
So long… wanted this… just you…
There was fire in the air that night, and passion and trust and a need so great Remus thought he might not recover from it. The bedroom lurched as they touched and tasted and explored bodies that had become strangers since their youth, when a different war raged and different men shared this.
As the sun rose and he came for the third time, soaking wet and sinking blissfully into the mattress as Severus released one last stream, Remus arched his back and felt at peace for the first time in years.
-fin-
Recipient: cruisedirector
Fandom: HP
Author: snegurochka_lee
Pairing: Snape/Lupin, hints of previous Black/Lupin
Rating: R
Words: 1,700
Warnings: Watersports; Remus being angsty
Summary: A secret, a tragedy, and twelve years of misunderstanding. Isn't it time for Remus to come to terms with what he wants?
Notes: I'm afraid I took rather extensive liberties with the 'celebration' theme… :/ But Happy holidays, cruisedirector!
For Nothing and Everything
(when the world's a different place)
i. Halloween
The retching was finished now, with nothing left to expel but blood and bone. Tear ducts were empty, and the heart - well. It was still beating, at least, though how that was possible with such a weight clenched around it, Remus would never understand.
"Drink." The low voice in his ear was hoarse and scratched down his spine.
The liquid at his mouth felt thick and tasted salty.
"Drink," the voice insisted, and Remus suddenly felt comfort from the arm around his back and the chin brushing against his hair. "I haven't much time, Lupin, and you are in no state to-"
"He thought it was James," Remus said abruptly, his mind clearing.
"What? Look, Lupin, you must drink this, so that you do not-"
Remus dutifully took a sip of the viscous stuff, wincing as it slid down his throat but immediately feeling calmer. "Sirius," he sighed. "He thought it was James I was sneaking around with."
The hand on his back tensed.
"Said he'd kill him," Remus continued, his voice breaking. "And me. He'd have come for me next."
"Lupin." The hand guided his face around until he was staring into familiar black eyes. "It was the Dark Lord. Potter was marked, remember? Listen to me. It had nothing to do with…" He trailed off, pausing to cough. "Us."
"It had everything to do with us," Remus whispered. "Everything. Don't, just-" He crawled back against the wall and crouched, suddenly ferocious like a beast waiting to pounce. "Don't touch me," he hissed. "I knew this was wrong, I knew we should never indulge in-"
"Lupin, you're not being-"
"Don't touch me!"
The last Severus saw of Remus for twelve years was the patchwork on the back of his robe as he stormed out of the cottage and down the gravel road.
~~~~~
ii. 1989
There was darkness after that, too much of it and too often, seeping into Remus's skull like oil and blinding him.
He staggered from place to place, working and eating or not working and not eating - who could keep track? There were men, and some women, and then more men. That part wasn't for money, of course; it was just for fun. Or to forget. Taking his clothes off didn't involve thinking very hard, and not thinking meant not remembering, and the last thing he wanted to do was remember, so he got used to taking his clothes off and turning his mind blank.
There was one man in Hungary - an aristocrat, he said.
"Former aristocrat?" Remus asked with a raised eyebrow, but the man didn't laugh.
"We will take our country back," the man insisted feebly, dropping his shirt to the floor. "Look around you; it is happening already! Listen," he added, wrapping his arms around Remus from behind and breathing on his neck. "You want to try something with me?"
The hands were insistent but reassuring, and despite his idealistic grasp of current politics, the man was terribly handsome. Remus leaned back into his arms. "Yeah," he murmured, closing his eyes.
"Keep eyes closed," the man ordered him, pushing him towards the bed and letting him fall back onto it. Remus took a few nervous breaths and wished he'd thought to cast a transparency charm first that would let him know what the man had in mind. It wasn't safe to trust strange men like this, that much he knew.
At the first feel of warm drops hitting his thighs, he lost himself for a moment and moaned deeply. A long dead memory surged forward in his mind and overwhelmed him, a memory of dark hair and a pale body kneeling over him, spraying hot liquid over his stomach, his thighs, his cock, and murmuring to him that their secret was safe, that no one would ever know…
"Ah yes, English like this," a strange voice muttered above him, and Remus's eyes flew open.
Horror clouded his thoughts and he jumped off the bed, shoving the man aside and grabbing his clothes from the floor.
"Hey, what?" the man called angrily as Remus headed for the door.
Remus turned only briefly, the doorknob already warm in his hand. "I don't do that," he said flatly.
~~~~~
iii. Welcoming Feast
He's back, Severus thought as he strode through the castle towards the Great Hall. It was the only phrase his mind could conjure at the moment, the only words it would form.
He's back.
The years had been long and unkind to both of them, pressing lines into their faces that made them both look much older than they were. For Severus it had been the strain of life as a dormant spy, no longer needed but not yet safe to dismiss; his forehead gained more creases with every night spent practicing Occlumency with the house-elves, and his fingers grew stiff and clumsy every night with no one in his bedroom to touch.
"There's nothing to be ashamed of," his own voice echoed in his head as he watched Remus enter the Great Hall for the first time in years.
"Yes, there is. I'm with someone, Severus. I can't keep doing this. It's not-"
"Does he give you this? Does he accept what you need and give you this?"
"No. Never. He would never-"
"Then you need someone else. You need me."
"I- oh God. Severus, please…"
"Please what?"
"Don't stop. On me, just like that. All over me. God, don't stop…"
But there was always shame, for Remus. A war raged around them and he refused to end a childhood relationship with Black, one that should have ended years before, and yet he needed the release Severus gave him. If only he hadn't treated it like punishment for some unknown crime, as though letting Severus drench him was part of some penance he had to pay.
If only he'd understood that it wasn't about that at all.
When Remus sat down at the high table for the Welcoming Feast he turned to straighten his robes and caught Severus's eye. They stared at each other and Severus was able to count to eight before Remus tilted his head, gave him a slow nod, and turned his gaze back to his plate.
~~~~~
iv. Exonerated
"I spoke to him. At length." Remus coughed to clear his throat, pacing nervously on the stone floor. "It was Pettigrew, you know it was. All this time…" He clenched his fists and shook his head, trying to clear the fog.
"Lupin."
"Is that why you did it, then, telling the Slytherins?" Remus asked, suddenly angry. "To remind me that I'm a werewolf, that I should want to be marked like that… the way you've always wanted to mark me?"
"Lupin."
"You had no right. It's not your choice, Snape. It's my choice."
"Lupin."
"He's going to be staying with me now, is that what you wanted? You've ruined it - any chance you and I might have had."
"Lupin."
"I know you don't trust him, don't believe him. I know you don't trust me."
Strong hands grabbed hold of his shoulders and shook him hard, and Remus was jolted into ceasing the pacing. "Yes," Severus said quietly, his voice firm and his eyes intent on Remus, "that's why I did it."
Remus stared into those black eyes for a long moment, searching for twelve lost years and an answer - any answer. Finally, he collapsed against Severus's body with a low moan. "It wasn't him," he murmured, his voice aching as his hands came up to frame Severus's face. "It wasn't him, he didn't know about us… what I was doing… He didn't care…"
"Foolish man," growled Severus, pulling Remus to him. "Will you believe me now?"
Remus breathed deeply, his mind swimming into focus.
"Come," Severus said quietly, taking Remus's hand.
~~~~~
v. A New Beginning
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes."
"Not good enough." The low voice hovered over Remus, seeping into his skin in the darkened room. "We cannot do this if you do not trust me."
"I trust you. God yes, I just-" With his eyes closed, Remus could feel Severus's warm breath against his neck and bare chest and the way his thigh nudged Remus's hip as Severus straddled him.
"No matter what anyone else tells you, no matter what you may tell yourself about me?"
"Snape, please. I was young and I… didn't understand."
Severus moved up Remus's body and whispered in his ear. "Do you understand now?"
"I'm allowed to want this," breathed Remus, his chest heaving and his cock straining for touch.
"Say it again," Severus ordered quietly.
"I'm allowed," Remus recited with increasing confidence, "to want this."
"Very good," Severus murmured, licking the shell of Remus's ear before withdrawing again and moving back down his body. "Now tell me what you want. What you're allowed to want," he added.
Remus's heart pounded as he tilted his head back, reclining to rest on his elbows on the bed as Severus hovered over him. "Piss on me," he said softly, a thrill sparking down his spine. It had been years since he had allowed himself to say the words, and now, to say them freely, to the one person he desired more than any of the others, was like a new world opening to him. "Drench me," he whispered, his confidence growing. "Let me feel you all over."
He heard Severus moan softly as he unleashed the first stream, hitting Remus's thighs, trickling between them and seeping into the cleft of his arse.
"Higher," he murmured as his skin heated, and Severus dutifully changed course. The feel of the hot liquid spraying his balls and up his hard cock made Remus groan loudly, collapsing onto the bed and writhing in pleasure.
So long… wanted this… just you…
There was fire in the air that night, and passion and trust and a need so great Remus thought he might not recover from it. The bedroom lurched as they touched and tasted and explored bodies that had become strangers since their youth, when a different war raged and different men shared this.
As the sun rose and he came for the third time, soaking wet and sinking blissfully into the mattress as Severus released one last stream, Remus arched his back and felt at peace for the first time in years.
-fin-