(for nocturnalrescue) andante part ii
part i
The festival takes place on the first day of autumn.
Jongin sucks hard on the popsicle in his mouth, one hand tucked in his pocket. He has his favorite trenchcoat on and a bouquet of flowers in the other, waiting for the performance to begin. Kyungsoo has been stressing over this for weeks and he can’t wait for this to be over so he can get his best friend back and talk about something that isn’t related to this performance. It’s selfish, he knows, but he really just wants Kyungsoo all to himself in every way possible.
He shifts his weight, frowning.
“The chair’s really uncomfortable,” he tells Jongdae. “Is the festival going to begin soon?”
“I know as much as you do.”
Jongin sighs exaggeratedly. He brings the bouquet of flowers up to his nose and sniffs again, breaking into a smile. It’s Kyungsoo’s favorite -- white lilacs. Kyungsoo’s performance is first on the event list which also means Jongin won’t have to wait for too long before he can pass the lilacs to their rightful owner.
It’s the annual fall festival and the entire population in the countryside is here, all seated behind Jongin who had came early enough to be seated in the first row. It isn’t until the sky is dark and the moon has risen before the lights on the makeshift stage come on. There’s a buzz from the crowd and Jongin straightens his back, eagerly anticipating.
The moment Kyungsoo steps onto the stage, he feels his heartbeat falter for a split second. And in that moment, he realizes that nothing will ever shine brighter than Kyungsoo, not the glaring stage lights, not the twinkling stars, not even the sun. Moments are magical and infinite. There are so many things that can be done in just one moment. You can learn something. You can do something that will change your life forever. You can fall in love.
Kyungsoo’s hands are slightly trembling as he holds the mic, and he inhales very visibly when the band starts playing. Yixing is standing behind him, dimpled grin contagious as he waves at the crowd and the other hand clutching his electric guitar. The band starts playing and Jongin starts cheering along with the crowd when Kyungsoo opens his mouth and lets his voice flow freely.
His voice is a little shaky at first but then it becomes more stable as the crowd continues to cheer them on. His eyes are bright, brighter than anything Jongin has ever seen, and his heart soars at the mere sight of Kyungsoo looking so happy. He looks alive.
The first song comes to an end too quickly for Jongin’s liking, but when Kyungsoo launches into the second song. Jongin smiles so widely he feels like his cheeks might burst from the pressure. Jongdae is whistling beside him, swinging his arms wildly in the air, and the crowd is going crazy displaying full support for the band.
With the bouquet of flowers gripped tightly in both hands, Jongin is on his feet before the second song even ends. There are springs in his feet and he’s bouncing, running, legs moving on their own accord to the backstage to get to Kyungsoo as soon as possible. He wants to hug him and hold him tightly, tell him how beautiful he looked up there.
The backstage is in a shelter and Jongin steps in tentatively, not sure if he might be intruding and wondering if he should wait inside there for Kyungsoo. But then he hears the crowd’s applause and knows Kyungsoo is coming down soon, so he takes a deep breath of courage, twists the door knob, stepping in.
It’s a small room and there are mirrors framing the wall, making him frown. Jongin doesn’t want to meet Kyungsoo here. The words he are going to say to Kyungsoo are meant for him and only him, not for everyone else to hear.
There are a few performers in the room and Jongin recognizes them as his school’s dance club even with the the scary make-up and tutus. He laughs awkwardly and waves before retreating and standing with his back against the door. He’ll just drag Kyungsoo somewhere more private, somewhere closer to the stars.
It isn’t a long wait. Jongin hears them before he sees them approaching, sweaty and happy. He gives them a thumbs-up, stepping aside so they can enter the backstage. Kyungsoo remains behind, clearly aware of who Jongin is here for.
“Hi,” Jongin starts nervously, wondering why he’s feeling this tightness in his chest when he’s talked to Kyungsoo a million times. “You were great up there. You were perfect. Definitely the best.”
Kyungsoo cocks an eyebrow.
“You think so?”
There’s a really short moment of silence before Jongin remembers what he’s holding in his hands and thrusts it into Kyungsoo’s face, cheeks flushing.
“I got you white lilacs. Your favorite. I hope you like them.”
They can hear the crowd cheering again but Jongin chooses to tune it out, focusing solely on Kyungsoo’s pretty eyes. He runs his fingers through his hair absently, not quite knowing what to do to make his feelings known. Kyungsoo already knows how he feels about him, but Jongin wants to make sure he knows the intensity of his feelings as well.
“Do Kyungsoo, I really like you.”
Kyungsoo’s lips curl slightly.
“I know,” he says in reply. Jongin holds his gaze firmly.
“Will you accept my heart now? How much longer are you going to make me wait?”
Kyungsoo’s mouth falls open but nothing comes out. The stars are still twinkling in the spheres of his eyes (they’re too bright, it’s blinding him(. Jongin waits, and he waits, bent on surrendering his fluttering heart completely to Kyungsoo today.
The door is flung open right when Jongin thinks Kyungsoo is finally going to give him his reply. It’s Yixing who grabs Kyungsoo’s wrist, a delirious expression on his face.
“They want to meet us!”
“What?”
“The guy from the big agency! He wants to meet us!”
“Who?” Jongin cocks his head, not understanding.
“There are a few scouts from the city tonight,” Yixing explains patiently although he doesn’t relinquish his grip on Kyungsoo. “One of them -- the one from the really big agency, Star Agency or something, wants to meet us. We might have a chance to make it into the city.”
Jongin flinches at that, and he takes a step back involuntarily. He opens his mouth to tell Kyungsoo not to go and stay by his side forever, but nothing comes out and it’s like a complete reversal of their roles from just a few seconds ago.
“Soo, come on, we can’t keep him waiting!”
Kyungsoo looks from Yixing to Jongin, then to Yixing again. His teeth clamps down hard on his bottom lip. Jongin finds his voice just in time.
“Are you going to leave me for the city?”
There is nothing but regret in Kyungsoo’s eyes and chances he might never get to take with Jongin. Once upon a time it would have been enough for Jongin to know that Kyungsoo was so close to accepting his love, but that doesn’t matter anymore because Kyungsoo remains silent.
And in his silence, Jongin finds his answer.
-
Jongin has always been the clingy one, the one who can’t let Kyungsoo out of his sight for over a day, but it’s been a full three days since the last time he saw Do Kyungsoo and he doesn’t feel like running over to his house just to look into his eyes.
There’s something about those ash brown eyes that haunts him and while it used to leave him on his knees begging for more in the past, Jongin feels nothing but sharp flares of pain in his chest when they come to mind now.
It doesn’t matter, does it? Kyungsoo is leaving for the city anyway. Kyungsoo is going to leave him.
Jongdae sits on the edge of his bed, looking down at him. Jongin has his back against his bedroom wall, one bottle of martini in his right hand. His left hand is clenched into a tight fist -- he’s holding on so tightly to Kyungsoo, but Kyungsoo isn’t holding on to him at all.
“When are you going to get out of your house?”
He wants to ignore Jongdae’s question but when their eyes meet, Jongin finds his words spilling freely from his lips on their own accord.
“Right now it feels like I never will.”
“You can’t skip school just because you’re heartbroken. Come on Jongin, it’s not worth it. He’s not worth this.”
Jongin laughs but it’s so raw it tastes like bitter gourd on his tongue. “What do you know?”
Jongdae sighs dramatically, fiddling with the hem of the school blazer before he gets off the bed and squats down in front of Jongin.
“I may not know how you’re feeling right now, but I do know that you’re only going to ruin your future like this. You like how passionate Kyungsoo is about his dreams, don’t you? Don’t you think he’ll like to see the same quality in you?”
A broken sob pierces through the air and Jongin breaks, burying his face in one hand.
“But Kyungsoo is my dream, Jongdae. It’s been so many years. I can’t let go.”
His left hand unfurls and all the love he has for Kyungsoo fills up the entire room until they both can’t find a way to breathe anymore.
-
In the end, it is Kyungsoo who knocks some sense back into Jongin’s head. He comes over to his house on the fourth day of his absence from school and Jongin wants to ask why he took so long, but when he sees Kyungsoo’s familiar face, he gets tongue-tied.
“Come in,” Jongin says and it sounds a little hesitant but it’s not and he wonders why it came out that way. Kyungsoo shifts his weight, looking a little uneasy, but then he kicks off his shoes and steps into Jongin’s house.
It didn’t use to be like this. Kyungsoo would just walk into his house uninvited and flop onto the couch. Something twisted and broke between them since the night Jongin realized Kyungsoo would leave him for his dreams.
“How are you doing?” Kyungsoo asks quietly. “You haven’t been in school for the past four days. What’s wrong with you?”
Jongin turns around, walking towards his room. “It hurts,” he mumbles.
“What hurts?”
“My heart.”
“You’re being ridiculous, Jongin. Stop acting like an overgrown baby.”
Jongin has never looked at Kyungsoo with anything other than love and tenderness, but his eyes are hard and cold when he spins around this time.
“Is it my fault for liking you so much? Fuck, I like -- no, I love you, is that really my fault? Should I blame myself for it? Should I slam my heart against the wall and lock it in my drawer because it’s my fault that it’s hurting so much?”
Kyungsoo freezes, jaw hanging open. He had been expecting a depressed Jongin but he definitely wasn’t expecting his sudden outburst.
Jongin hangs his head. “Sorry,” he mutters, “I didn’t mean to explode. It’s not your fault.”
“It’s not your fault either, look -- “
“It’s not anybody’s fault.” Jongin cuts him off weakly. He rubs his forearm. “I guess Cupid should have been more careful.”
“I’m sorry.”
It’s sad how they’ve been reduced to such a state, two sorry males standing across each other, both unable to lift their heads.
“When are you leaving?”
“They have a performance in a few months and they want me over as soon as possible. I’m planning to leave in a week.”
“You’re not going to take your college entrance exams?”
Kyungsoo hums. “I’ll take it in the city. They’ll arrange for me to take it as a private candidate. They’re lacking a singer so it’s important I join them and start training immediately.”
Can I come along? almost rips its way out but Jongin bites on his tongue until he’s sure it’s tamed and he can trust himself to hold it back for a little while more. “I’m happy for you, you know.”
Kyungsoo doesn’t make a single sound so Jongin forces himself to raise his head and he nearly smiles when he sees Kyungsoo’s cocked eyebrow. Despite it all, that gesture is still so Kyungsoo.
“I know, I may not show it very well but I am happy for you. I love you, Kyungsoo, and there’s nothing that feels better than knowing you’re chasing after your dreams so steadily and strongly. It makes me happy to know that you’re happy.”
Jongin screws his eyes shut, taking a deep breath before he continues.
“It’s just that I’ve invested everything into loving you and now that you’re going to leave, I don’t know who I am anymore. Who am I without you? What am I good at if it’s not loving you? Other people grew up finding their strengths and focusing to get even better at it, but I grew up memorizing the shades of brown in your eyes in the sunlight, the way your cheeks lift when you grin, and learning what makes you laugh. I grew up loving you, and now that you’re going, I just don’t know who I am anymore.”
“You can come along with me to the city.”
“You and I both know you don’t want me to. And neither do I.”
The elephant in the room feels a little less threatening now that they have finally addressed it properly.
“I don’t want to become a burden to you, Soo. That’s the last thing I want to be.”
“We’ll keep in touch.” Kyungsoo’s tone is softer, more pleading. He twitches as though he wants to step forward but the wall surrounding Jongin right now is too strong, too tall, and he knows he won’t be able to climb over it. It’s not the first time he’s seen Jongin surrounded by walls, but it’s the first time Kyungsoo can’t get to him.
“That’s the only thing we can do, huh?” Jongin tries to laugh, tries to lighten the atmosphere, but his voice cracks. “You should leave sooner. You don’t have to delay it for me. It has to be done anyway.”
“I’m so sorry, Jongin, but believe me when I say I really do like you. I just -- “
“Don’t try to explain yourself, please.” Jongin shakes his head. “It just makes things worse.”
Kyungsoo sucks in his bottom lip, nodding.
“I’ll send you off at the train station. Let me know when you’re leaving.”
“You sure about that?”
“I’ll even go back to school tomorrow to show you how sure I am.” Jongin desperately pushes the corners of his lips upwards, and it’s not a genuine smile, but it’s a genuine effort. “I just needed some time to think. It’s not entirely about you, it’s about me as well, so don’t worry about it. I’ll be okay. I always will be.”
To prove his point further, Jongin steps towards Kyungsoo and punches his shoulder lightly.
“I’m okay, really.”
Kyungsoo finally smiles and his smile is too bright this time, so overwhelming Jongin wants to look away. So he does that, looking over Kyungsoo’s shoulders for the elephant in the room but it’s no longer there now.
It’s only when Kyungsoo leaves and the stars have fallen from the sky does he realize that it’s because the elephant has decided to play house in the ruins of his heart.
-
Jongin returns to school the very next day and pretty much everything returns to normal -- daydreaming in class, linking pinkies with Kyungsoo as they watch a movie, and sitting so close to Kyungsoo their arms don’t stop brushing under the apple tree behind the school.
It’s only pretty much and not everything because nothing can possibly rid the goodbye lingering in the air between them. Jongin wonders if Kyungsoo will remember this day -- just another normal day having lunch together with their backs against the broad tree -- because ten years down the road, who’s to say they’ll still be in touch?
-
Kyungsoo’s departure comes a week later despite Jongin’s green light for him to leave earlier and the latter can’t help wondering if Kyungsoo doesn’t want to leave him too. He knows for sure that Kyungsoo does like him back, only that he’s afraid of fully letting him into his world and heart although Jongin has never done anything that would make him think in such a way.
Once upon a time being near Kyungsoo would have been enough, but greed is the root of all humans and Jongin doesn’t think that’s enough anymore. He wants to run his fingers through Kyungsoo’s hair and hold his hand in front of everybody, he wants to call Kyungsoo his and know he doesn’t have a reason to feel scared at all.
What Jongin gets, however, is a painful lesson that nothing in life ever goes as planned and not only does he not get to call Kyungsoo his, the love of his life is about to get on the train to the city and leave him.
“You sure you have everything with you?”
Kyungsoo glances at his two bustling trunks and smiles sheepishly. “I think so.”
Jongin takes a step back, tucking his hands into his pockets to stop himself from reaching over and trapping Kyungsoo right there. “Okay,” he hears himself say and it doesn’t sound like him at all. He sounds so weak and small. “Take care of yourself.”
“That’s it?”
“What?”
There are three more minutes till the train arrives, three more minutes for Jongin to try to convince Kyungsoo to stay.
Kyungsoo is pouting slightly when Jongin meets his gaze. “No hugs or anything? You’re just going to send your best friend off like this?”
“Oh, um.” Jongin pulls his hands out of his pockets and let his arms circle loosely around Kyungsoo’s small frame. It was meant to be a hug that would last for only one second but then Jongin realizes he can’t quite bring himself to let go so he doesn’t. He keeps his arms around Kyungsoo, burying his face in the perfect curve of Kyungsoo’s neck. He had rehearsed for today the whole of night, and the plan was to just let Kyungsoo go coolly because really, what was more important than chasing after his dreams? But Jongin finds himself whispering, “don’t go” into Kyungsoo’s ear.
“I need you,” he says, “don’t leave me.”
Kyungsoo’s shorter arms curl around his waist and he hears the smaller male sigh dramatically.
“Jongin, I’m not leaving you. How many times do you want me to say that? I’m just going to the city, that is all. Nothing has changed between us. I’m still crazy about you, okay?”
Two more minutes.
“Then be with me,” Jongin says urgently. He pulls back so he can grab Kyungsoo’s face, staring right into his eyes. His own eyes are filling with tears and he hopes it’s enough to let Kyungsoo see how right things will be as long as he stays with him, right here, but deep inside he knows it isn’t going to work. He won’t feel good if Kyungsoo stays just for him.
Sometimes humans are like that. They ask for things that will hurt everybody, including themselves, because there is this delusion that that is the right choice.
Kyungsoo grab a fistful of his shirt. “I can’t.”
One last minute.
“Not now.” Kyungsoo continues and his eyes are becoming surprisingly moist as well. He smiles sadly, wiping away Jongin’s tears with the back of his hand. “I’m not a good person, Jongin, I think I’m the most selfish person alive.”
Jongin frowns.
“I’m not ready to be with you yet, and I don’t want to give up my dreams for you, but I want you to promise me one thing.”
“What is it?”
Kyungsoo pulls him closer by his collar, warm breath fanning across his parted lips.
“Wait for me.”
Jongin hears the train approaching right before Kyungsoo leans up to kiss him firmly on the lips and the entire world goes silent before it crashes until there’s nothing but the feeling of Kyungsoo’s lips on his. It ends as suddenly as it begins and Kyungsoo takes a step back with his hand still around Jongin’s waist.
Kyungsoo’s face is adorably scrunched up. “Your tears are so salty,” he complains and a smile finds its way onto Jongin’s face. Then he stands on tiptoes to press a kiss to Jongin’s lips, one that is softer than dandelion fluff.
The train screeches to a stop and there’s a detestable creaking sound as the doors swing open. Jongin stares at it dubiously, not convinced that this old excuse of a train is going to safely deliver Kyungsoo to the city. Kyungsoo’s arm slips away from him before he even realizes what’s going on and he grabs his trunks, walking steadily into the train and away from Jongin.
His fringe falls freely across his forehead when he turns around to look at Jongin and there’s something in his eyes Jongin can’t quite fathom. It feels pretty sad though, and for a few long seconds, there’s nothing Jongin can do but stare helplessly at Kyungsoo. He’s helpless about the adoration he holds for him, about his feelings, about their story that might have ended before it could even begin.
The door swings shut and that’s when Jongin realizes he hasn’t given Kyungsoo a proper answer to his request. His eyes widen, pushing his hair back as he gestures wildly at Kyungsoo. The smaller male doesn’t notice him because he’s walking towards his seat and Jongin jogs along until Kyungsoo is seated down beside the window and he can knock on it.
There’s a loud whistling and then the train is on the move again, towards the city, towards Kyungsoo’s dreams. Jongin’s jog quickens into a sprint and he keeps running, until he reaches the end of the station and Kyungsoo whizzes right out of his sight.
It isn’t until the train is a good few kilometres away from the countryside does Kyungsoo’s brain start functioning and registered what Jongin had been mouthing. He presses his fist against his chest, willing it not to hurt anymore as a small smile graces his face. It is a promise he knows they will both keep.
I won’t give up on us.
-
The yellow light seems alive with dust as Jongin removes his cap, stuffing it into his bag. He signals for a cocktail and stretches his legs, resting them on the edge of the glass table. Voices are bouncing everywhere around him and he refuses to catch any of them. There is only one voice that matters. That voices makes his world explode in a fury of colors -- fiery passionate red, tranquil healing blue and gentle fresh green all at the same time. They keep melting together to create a whole new galaxy and Jongin wonders if he’s had one drink too many.
The small male on the stage is shadowed by noticeably bad lightning but Jongin doesn’t complain. That is exactly why he chose to come and sing here. It would have been terrible if everybody could recognize who he was.
It hasn’t been easy trying to track down his best friend, or rather, ex-best friend after they eventually stopped keeping in touch a few years ago. At that time, all Jongin could do was lie around and feel like shit about it because it seemed like the ending to him. It took a whole lot of flipping through old photographs and vodka before he realized that it wasn’t really the ending of the book -- it was just the ending of one chapter. He could write a brand new chapter if he wanted and that was why Kim Jongin was sitting alone in the bar, eyes fixated with astonishing intensity on the shadowed man.
There isn’t a need to accost the singer because the singer wasted no time in walking towards him the moment his song ended and he hopped off the stage. Jongin sets his cocktail aside, eyebrows cocked.
“You haven’t changed much, huh?”
“I would have preferred to hear that I’m a lot more handsome now.”
The singer rolls his eyes with an equally exaggerated grin and a strong wave of deja vu slams right into Jongin’s chest.
“You’re really still the same.”
Jongin offers him a smile as well. “So are you, or perhaps just a little shorter than the man in my memories, Do Kyungsoo.”
Kyungsoo doesn’t take the empty seat beside Jongin. He waits until the taller male stands up.
“So, how have you been?”
“Come on,” Kyungsoo mumbles, “let’s not waste any more time.” He grabs a fistful of Jongin’s shirt and hauls him closer, eyes burning a hole in his soul that’s already ablaze. “I haven’t heard from you for one whole year, Kim Jongin.”
“Here I am now,” says Jongin, unfazed. “I’m here for you.”
Kyungsoo leans in, not to kiss him, but to whisper into his ear. “Such a bad boy.” His breath tickles and Jongin almost flinches away. And then Kyungsoo kisses him on the lips, long and hard, effectively smashing Jongin’s windpipe and leaving him gasping for air.
Sometimes when Jongin thinks about Kyungsoo, he thinks about how much he wants to grab Kyungsoo’s heart and crush it in his hands. He wants to put a flame to every single word he has ever said. But most of all, he wants to hold Kyungsoo and tell him not to go again.
Long arms circle around Kyungsoo’s waist and Jongin is kissing back twice as hard, completely oblivious to the fact that everybody is watching. They’ll get bored of it anyway, he thinks.
“You’re not going to let me go again, are you?” Kyungsoo asks in between their kisses, his own arms wrapped tight around Jongin’s neck.
Jongin can only kiss him harder. “Promise me you won’t take me home until I’m drunk on you?”
Kyungsoo pushes him back, still kissing him as they attempt to navigate their way out of the pub in a flurry of tangled limbs and throbbing hearts.
“Of course,” he promises, lips curling into a perfect smirk. “The third time is quite the charm, huh?”
When it finally dawns upon him that Kyungsoo is talking about that being their third kiss, they’re already in a cab that smells too strongly of cinnamon.
“Doesn’t matter,” Jongin mutters, “it’s the first of many as far as I’m concerned.”
They share a smile that’s all too familiar to them both and they’re back in the field again, with Jongin holding on to a dandelion fluff and telling Kyungsoo he’d wish for him. Everything falls into place and they’re sixteen again, except this time, this chapter doesn’t end.
“What would you have done if I had forgotten about you and moved on?” Jongin asks, hands wandering south until they are cupped around the firmness of Kyungsoo’s ass.
Kyungsoo pulls him in, nips at his lips.
“You won’t. You will remember me for centuries.”
“For centuries,” Jongin echoes, feeling the words like sugar on his tongue. It’s a crazy long time, but Jongin knows Kyungsoo is right.
He will remember him for centuries, even if they don’t end up together in the end. This is how first love is. You never ever forget.