(no subject)
i went camping this weekend.
well, actually, it was more than camping. to get to the island where we camped, you had to travel by canoe for about thirty minutes through some of the most amazing swamp/wetlands area i've ever seen. huge cypress trees everywhere, murky black waters, and spanish moss hanging down from the branches. every year, lauren's parents and their friends get together and camp out on this island, and i was invited to tag along. it was hard not to be in awe of these people. lauren's parents started dating in high school and have hung on to the same core group of friends since all the way back then. they still talk on the phone, get together, have dinner, and go camping together on a regular basis. friends that have known each other since they were boy scouts.
i sat there at the campfire, watching these people interact with one another, friends for 20.. 30 years. and all i could think of was "man, i hope i have that when i'm that old." but it's funny, because i've already blown it. who do i still hang out with from high school? i can count them on one hand. who do i still hang out with from college? that's another hand. and i wonder if i could convince all of them to go camping every year. doubtful.
it's an especially relevant issue for me.. since i'm dealing with the demise of the band. i look at these guys and they are easily my best friends. billy, garrett, chris, tanner, shawn, brendan. and i wonder, now that the band, our common purpose, the thing that brought us together, has ended.. will we stay the same friends? people are already making plans to move away, so it's certain that we won't see each other as often.. but i just wonder what directions our lives will take us. i'd like us to all stay close and share the same kind of experience that i witnessed this weekend, but i don't know. i have a history of letting friendships fall through the cracks over time, and i'd like to prevent that from happening here.
so yeah, there's that.
i don't know. i feel like i must not be as okay as i think. it's either the band, or something. something's not quite right. i'm noticing myself reacting differently to things and not acting the way i'm used to. it's below the surface right now, because i can't really put my finger on a specific thing. i guess part of it is that i feel directionless. the past few years, every decision led to one all-encompassing goal. now without a goal, and more than a few options, it's like.. what now? what do i want to do with my life? for some reason, i feel like that should be exciting, but it's just scary. and the most attractive options seem to pull me back in my original direction, but even that will eventually have an expiration, and then it's back to "what now?". i don't like feeling like this.
oh, and my back hurts like a motherfucker. the last time i went camping was 9 years ago when you are still invincible to things like sleeping on the ground. i feel like an old man.
well, actually, it was more than camping. to get to the island where we camped, you had to travel by canoe for about thirty minutes through some of the most amazing swamp/wetlands area i've ever seen. huge cypress trees everywhere, murky black waters, and spanish moss hanging down from the branches. every year, lauren's parents and their friends get together and camp out on this island, and i was invited to tag along. it was hard not to be in awe of these people. lauren's parents started dating in high school and have hung on to the same core group of friends since all the way back then. they still talk on the phone, get together, have dinner, and go camping together on a regular basis. friends that have known each other since they were boy scouts.
i sat there at the campfire, watching these people interact with one another, friends for 20.. 30 years. and all i could think of was "man, i hope i have that when i'm that old." but it's funny, because i've already blown it. who do i still hang out with from high school? i can count them on one hand. who do i still hang out with from college? that's another hand. and i wonder if i could convince all of them to go camping every year. doubtful.
it's an especially relevant issue for me.. since i'm dealing with the demise of the band. i look at these guys and they are easily my best friends. billy, garrett, chris, tanner, shawn, brendan. and i wonder, now that the band, our common purpose, the thing that brought us together, has ended.. will we stay the same friends? people are already making plans to move away, so it's certain that we won't see each other as often.. but i just wonder what directions our lives will take us. i'd like us to all stay close and share the same kind of experience that i witnessed this weekend, but i don't know. i have a history of letting friendships fall through the cracks over time, and i'd like to prevent that from happening here.
so yeah, there's that.
i don't know. i feel like i must not be as okay as i think. it's either the band, or something. something's not quite right. i'm noticing myself reacting differently to things and not acting the way i'm used to. it's below the surface right now, because i can't really put my finger on a specific thing. i guess part of it is that i feel directionless. the past few years, every decision led to one all-encompassing goal. now without a goal, and more than a few options, it's like.. what now? what do i want to do with my life? for some reason, i feel like that should be exciting, but it's just scary. and the most attractive options seem to pull me back in my original direction, but even that will eventually have an expiration, and then it's back to "what now?". i don't like feeling like this.
oh, and my back hurts like a motherfucker. the last time i went camping was 9 years ago when you are still invincible to things like sleeping on the ground. i feel like an old man.