CSI Fic: On the Line, part three
TITLE: On The Line, part three
AUTHOR: 38gnihsurc
RATING: en.sea.xvii overall
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anyone... except the therapist. And that sounds kinda funny.
SPOILERS: Previous fic, "Moving On."
NOTES: Anything in first person narrative is being said by Gil, to his therapist---unless otherwise specified. And in this chapter, consider it otherwise specified. The first person narrative is a letter from Gil's therapist to Catherine.
Dear Catherine Willows,
I have held four meetings with Dr. Grissom to date. I believe that he is making some progress. However, he is resistant to the therapeutic process. He is a very internal man and it takes some effort to provoke him into discussing anything personal.
Interestingly enough, he refuses to discuss his relationship with you. At first, I assumed it was because the supervisor and subordinate roles have been reversed in the work environment. After several meetings, though, I am beginning to revise my original assumption. I would like to meet with you, if that is acceptable, to discuss this. Any insight you can offer me into his personality would be most appreciated.
&&&&
After checking her watch twice---and discovering that Gil was late and then even later for their appointment---Catherine leaned back in her seat and called Lindsey on her phone. They had a brief conversation, in which Lindsey assured Catherine that she would do her homework immediately after Lily picked her up from dance class, and then Catherine decided to go over some paperwork pertaining to Nick's and Greg's latest case.
Gil was thirty minutes late when he finally appeared in her office. The expression on his face told her that he was aware of how late he was and that he felt guilty about that lateness. She tried to look at him sternly, but he looked incredibly uncomfortable as he sat down in front of her desk; her stern expression melted into one of concern before she could control her emotions and facial muscles.
"This isn't going to be torture, Gil," she said in a gentle voice.
He sighed. "I... I know. It's just..."
When he trailed off, she stood up and walked around her desk. She sat down in the other guest chair and looked at him. She knew that their meetings weren't going to be easy, but she didn't want him to slip through the cracks or get left behind.
"Gil."
"I am so sick of talking!" he exclaimed as his face flushed. "Dr. Spencer wants to know how I'm feeling... you... you want to know, too---"
"You're the most internal person I've ever met," she interrupted. "Of course talking about how you feel is going to bother you."
He sighed again and shook his head. "Have you ever been to therapy?"
"You know I have," she replied as she turned her chair so she could face him more easily. She leaned back in her chair. "With Eddie," she reminded him, as she realised that details of her life didn't always stick in his mind.
"How can you stand it?"
Catherine smiled a little. "I wanted to fix my marriage. I thought it was worth it..." she trailed off and shrugged. "You don't think it's worth it? You get to unload to a stranger, who can give you unbiased advice---"
"All she wants me to do is talk about my feelings!" he interjected. He rolled his eyes. "I say something and she asks 'how do you feel about that?' and I want to lose it, Catherine. Honestly, I imagine standing up, yelling a lot, and breaking her expensive knickknacks!" He sighed. "And some of those feelings are private! She asks about private things... and private feelings and... and I don't even like thinking about---"
"Maybe that's why she asks you about them," Catherine reasoned. When he looked back at her blankly, she shrugged and said, "She's impartial... and her job is to help you feel better, to see the world in a better way. It's... well, not for everyone, but she has your best interests at heart."
"Heart has nothing to do with it," he muttered.
She rolled her eyes. "Then, in her mind, Gil." She chuckled humourlessly. "Gil, you're not making this easy."
"Making what easy?"
"Moving on... feeling better... getting out of your depression," she replied.
"It's not supposed to be easy," he pointed out.
"No, it's not," she agreed as she silently decided to drop that particular subject before she said something that would anger or upset him. She almost thought he was resisting the healing process on purpose, holding onto Sara's memory with every fibre of his being; she almost thought that his 'gift' giving of a few days ago had been something he hadn't intended to do.
"So..."
She arched an eyebrow. "So... Dr. Spencer says you refuse to talk about certain things... certain people," she said. "What's that about?"
"I don't think a complete stranger should know everything that's going on in my head," he replied, jutting his chin out a little.
Catherine smiled. "Gil, she's a therapist. That's her job... to get into your head."
"Look... she wants to talk about you and our history... and... and how you and Warrick and Nick---but mostly you---got through to me when I was really behaving badly," he told her. "And I don't even remember everything. I don't think I should talk about it. Maybe if I remember how you helped... I don't remember most of that bad day, when you stayed. But, something must have changed my mind."
The strawberry blonde swallowed hard and nodded. "Yeah, well," she said quietly, "puking your guts up until there's nothing left will do that to you." She cleared her throat and then said, "You haven't taken your firearms test yet."
Gil looked startled for a moment---maybe because of the question, maybe because of the quick change in conversational direction---and then he shook his head. "N-no," he replied quietly. "Not yet."
"Why?"
He frowned and then said, "Maybe I don't trust myself with a gun."
Catherine didn't believe that and she told him so. He shrugged slightly in response to her comment and then said, "I don't want to carry one. Not yet, anyway."
"Okay... but, I'm just saying, I've noticed," she told him.
"You notice everything."
"And I'm as cute as a button," she added in a wry voice. "But, seriously, Gil---"
"Why can't we talk about---"
In anticipation of what GIl was about to say, Catherine put her hand up and cut him off. "No."
"Catherine."
She shook her head. "No, Gil. And no... means no."
"My therapist doesn't like the word 'no,'" he muttered.
"Well, I'm not your therapist anymore!" she shot back. When she realised what she had said---'anymore,' implying that she had acted in that capacity once before---she closed her mouth and tried to keep her body language relaxed. After taking a breath, she said, "I am your supervisor. I can say the word 'no' if I want to."
Gil's eyes had narrowed and he was examining her carefully. "What did you mean by---"
"Gil."
"Please."
She sucked in a sharp breath and then shrugged. "I guess... when you were seeing how low you could go... I felt a little like a therapist or caregiver of some sort," she replied honestly. "And I didn't like it much."
"Why?"
She shook her head and stood up. "We're not going there," she said as she walked around to her seat behind the desk, where she felt she would have a bit more protection from Gil's probing questions---and where they were less like equals. "This meeting's about you."
"Why can't it be about us?" he asked.
Catherine frowned. She didn't want to talk about how awful he had treated her and how confused she had been every time she went to visit him. She didn't want to tell him how it felt to lose her best friend over a period of years. She didn't want to give him any insight into her thoughts and feelings. She didn't want to punish him, but she didn't think he deserved any piece of her anymore.
"Because."
"That's a little girl's answer, Catherine."
"Well, I'm not a little girl anymore, Gil," she replied. "I'm your boss and I'm a grown woman and if I want to say 'because,' then it'll have to do."
"Dr. Spencer can't tell me what happened... what you said to me that night," Gil said quietly. "You can. I want to know why I changed my mind."
"You were already changing your mind when I showed up," she told him. "Nothing I said or did influenced you to start taking care of yourself."
Gil frowned. "How do you know?"
"I just do, Gil." She sighed and put her hands down on her desk. "How are you finding your caseload?"
"Catherine---"
"How are you finding your caseload?" she repeated, her voice even and calm.
He sighed. "It's... it's manageable. A little less than I'm used to."
"You have Bruno to look out for," Catherine pointed out. "And you're still not up to speed."
"When I am, you're going to let me juggle cases and---"
She interrupted him. "As long as it doesn't interfere with your sanity."
"Okay."
She tilted her head as she looked at him. "You are eventually going to take your firearms test, right?"
"Yeah," he said softly. "Eventually."
"And... how are you getting along with the guys?"
Gil smiled a little. "Nick and Greg have been pretty good about everything," he told her. As he started to talk about his relationship with those two men, Catherine started to believe that the roughest patch of their conversation had passed. His posture had relaxed and he was beginning to use his hands as he described how he was getting along with Nick and Greg. Then, he frowned and said, "Warrick, on the other hand, is definitely holding a grudge."
"I'll talk to him about that," Catherine said quietly.
"But, why---"
"He's sticking up for me," Catherine explained. Gil's brow furrowed. She sighed and looked down at her hands for a moment before returning her gaze to his. "I'll make sure he knows we're okay and he doesn't need to do that anymore."
"But... we're not okay... are we?" Gil asked.
She smiled slightly and shrugged. "We're getting there."
"It doesn't feel like it," Gil admitted. "I know this is about our professional relationship, right now... but, Catherine, it feels like... like there's so much between us. Obstacles. And I don't know what they are, so I can't negotiate them."
Catherine had opened her mouth to refute his comment, but as his words set in, she realised how profound---and how precise---they were. She closed her mouth and avoiding his probing gaze as she tried to gather her thoughts.
"Catherine?"
She shook her head a little bit. Then, she cleared her throat and said, "I think we're done here."
"But---"
She forced herself to smile brightly---too brightly, in fact, but she couldn't do anything about that.
"We have to get back to work," she told him. "I want to look over those case files for the break-in's, because quite frankly, they are just driving me nuts. I refuse to believe that a bunch of novices are smarter than we are."
"I... um, well... if you're sure we're finished," Gil said quietly and hesitantly.
She nodded, eager to escape his curious personality. "Sure," she replied, "I mean... we'll keep having these meetings, so there's no need to hash it all out right this second, is there?"
"I... I guess not."
Catherine smiled again and then walked around her desk. She reached out and gently squeezed his shoulder once she was at his side. "I'm glad you're feeling better," she murmured, honestly, before she left her office.
&&&&
I am optimistic that he will be able to recover from his grief. He's already made several steps in the right direction and according to Dr. Grissom, his return to work is going smoothly. He has gone from talking about criminalistics in a negative way---due to grief, painful memories, etc.---to talking about it in a more positive way---as a way to help victims, to get to the truth, etc. I think that is an important step, given the brief description of his behavior when he first returned to the job.
Please contact my office at your convenience, to schedule a meeting.
Thank you,
Dr. Michelle Spencer.
TBC...
AUTHOR: 38gnihsurc
RATING: en.sea.xvii overall
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anyone... except the therapist. And that sounds kinda funny.
SPOILERS: Previous fic, "Moving On."
NOTES: Anything in first person narrative is being said by Gil, to his therapist---unless otherwise specified. And in this chapter, consider it otherwise specified. The first person narrative is a letter from Gil's therapist to Catherine.
Dear Catherine Willows,
I have held four meetings with Dr. Grissom to date. I believe that he is making some progress. However, he is resistant to the therapeutic process. He is a very internal man and it takes some effort to provoke him into discussing anything personal.
Interestingly enough, he refuses to discuss his relationship with you. At first, I assumed it was because the supervisor and subordinate roles have been reversed in the work environment. After several meetings, though, I am beginning to revise my original assumption. I would like to meet with you, if that is acceptable, to discuss this. Any insight you can offer me into his personality would be most appreciated.
&&&&
After checking her watch twice---and discovering that Gil was late and then even later for their appointment---Catherine leaned back in her seat and called Lindsey on her phone. They had a brief conversation, in which Lindsey assured Catherine that she would do her homework immediately after Lily picked her up from dance class, and then Catherine decided to go over some paperwork pertaining to Nick's and Greg's latest case.
Gil was thirty minutes late when he finally appeared in her office. The expression on his face told her that he was aware of how late he was and that he felt guilty about that lateness. She tried to look at him sternly, but he looked incredibly uncomfortable as he sat down in front of her desk; her stern expression melted into one of concern before she could control her emotions and facial muscles.
"This isn't going to be torture, Gil," she said in a gentle voice.
He sighed. "I... I know. It's just..."
When he trailed off, she stood up and walked around her desk. She sat down in the other guest chair and looked at him. She knew that their meetings weren't going to be easy, but she didn't want him to slip through the cracks or get left behind.
"Gil."
"I am so sick of talking!" he exclaimed as his face flushed. "Dr. Spencer wants to know how I'm feeling... you... you want to know, too---"
"You're the most internal person I've ever met," she interrupted. "Of course talking about how you feel is going to bother you."
He sighed again and shook his head. "Have you ever been to therapy?"
"You know I have," she replied as she turned her chair so she could face him more easily. She leaned back in her chair. "With Eddie," she reminded him, as she realised that details of her life didn't always stick in his mind.
"How can you stand it?"
Catherine smiled a little. "I wanted to fix my marriage. I thought it was worth it..." she trailed off and shrugged. "You don't think it's worth it? You get to unload to a stranger, who can give you unbiased advice---"
"All she wants me to do is talk about my feelings!" he interjected. He rolled his eyes. "I say something and she asks 'how do you feel about that?' and I want to lose it, Catherine. Honestly, I imagine standing up, yelling a lot, and breaking her expensive knickknacks!" He sighed. "And some of those feelings are private! She asks about private things... and private feelings and... and I don't even like thinking about---"
"Maybe that's why she asks you about them," Catherine reasoned. When he looked back at her blankly, she shrugged and said, "She's impartial... and her job is to help you feel better, to see the world in a better way. It's... well, not for everyone, but she has your best interests at heart."
"Heart has nothing to do with it," he muttered.
She rolled her eyes. "Then, in her mind, Gil." She chuckled humourlessly. "Gil, you're not making this easy."
"Making what easy?"
"Moving on... feeling better... getting out of your depression," she replied.
"It's not supposed to be easy," he pointed out.
"No, it's not," she agreed as she silently decided to drop that particular subject before she said something that would anger or upset him. She almost thought he was resisting the healing process on purpose, holding onto Sara's memory with every fibre of his being; she almost thought that his 'gift' giving of a few days ago had been something he hadn't intended to do.
"So..."
She arched an eyebrow. "So... Dr. Spencer says you refuse to talk about certain things... certain people," she said. "What's that about?"
"I don't think a complete stranger should know everything that's going on in my head," he replied, jutting his chin out a little.
Catherine smiled. "Gil, she's a therapist. That's her job... to get into your head."
"Look... she wants to talk about you and our history... and... and how you and Warrick and Nick---but mostly you---got through to me when I was really behaving badly," he told her. "And I don't even remember everything. I don't think I should talk about it. Maybe if I remember how you helped... I don't remember most of that bad day, when you stayed. But, something must have changed my mind."
The strawberry blonde swallowed hard and nodded. "Yeah, well," she said quietly, "puking your guts up until there's nothing left will do that to you." She cleared her throat and then said, "You haven't taken your firearms test yet."
Gil looked startled for a moment---maybe because of the question, maybe because of the quick change in conversational direction---and then he shook his head. "N-no," he replied quietly. "Not yet."
"Why?"
He frowned and then said, "Maybe I don't trust myself with a gun."
Catherine didn't believe that and she told him so. He shrugged slightly in response to her comment and then said, "I don't want to carry one. Not yet, anyway."
"Okay... but, I'm just saying, I've noticed," she told him.
"You notice everything."
"And I'm as cute as a button," she added in a wry voice. "But, seriously, Gil---"
"Why can't we talk about---"
In anticipation of what GIl was about to say, Catherine put her hand up and cut him off. "No."
"Catherine."
She shook her head. "No, Gil. And no... means no."
"My therapist doesn't like the word 'no,'" he muttered.
"Well, I'm not your therapist anymore!" she shot back. When she realised what she had said---'anymore,' implying that she had acted in that capacity once before---she closed her mouth and tried to keep her body language relaxed. After taking a breath, she said, "I am your supervisor. I can say the word 'no' if I want to."
Gil's eyes had narrowed and he was examining her carefully. "What did you mean by---"
"Gil."
"Please."
She sucked in a sharp breath and then shrugged. "I guess... when you were seeing how low you could go... I felt a little like a therapist or caregiver of some sort," she replied honestly. "And I didn't like it much."
"Why?"
She shook her head and stood up. "We're not going there," she said as she walked around to her seat behind the desk, where she felt she would have a bit more protection from Gil's probing questions---and where they were less like equals. "This meeting's about you."
"Why can't it be about us?" he asked.
Catherine frowned. She didn't want to talk about how awful he had treated her and how confused she had been every time she went to visit him. She didn't want to tell him how it felt to lose her best friend over a period of years. She didn't want to give him any insight into her thoughts and feelings. She didn't want to punish him, but she didn't think he deserved any piece of her anymore.
"Because."
"That's a little girl's answer, Catherine."
"Well, I'm not a little girl anymore, Gil," she replied. "I'm your boss and I'm a grown woman and if I want to say 'because,' then it'll have to do."
"Dr. Spencer can't tell me what happened... what you said to me that night," Gil said quietly. "You can. I want to know why I changed my mind."
"You were already changing your mind when I showed up," she told him. "Nothing I said or did influenced you to start taking care of yourself."
Gil frowned. "How do you know?"
"I just do, Gil." She sighed and put her hands down on her desk. "How are you finding your caseload?"
"Catherine---"
"How are you finding your caseload?" she repeated, her voice even and calm.
He sighed. "It's... it's manageable. A little less than I'm used to."
"You have Bruno to look out for," Catherine pointed out. "And you're still not up to speed."
"When I am, you're going to let me juggle cases and---"
She interrupted him. "As long as it doesn't interfere with your sanity."
"Okay."
She tilted her head as she looked at him. "You are eventually going to take your firearms test, right?"
"Yeah," he said softly. "Eventually."
"And... how are you getting along with the guys?"
Gil smiled a little. "Nick and Greg have been pretty good about everything," he told her. As he started to talk about his relationship with those two men, Catherine started to believe that the roughest patch of their conversation had passed. His posture had relaxed and he was beginning to use his hands as he described how he was getting along with Nick and Greg. Then, he frowned and said, "Warrick, on the other hand, is definitely holding a grudge."
"I'll talk to him about that," Catherine said quietly.
"But, why---"
"He's sticking up for me," Catherine explained. Gil's brow furrowed. She sighed and looked down at her hands for a moment before returning her gaze to his. "I'll make sure he knows we're okay and he doesn't need to do that anymore."
"But... we're not okay... are we?" Gil asked.
She smiled slightly and shrugged. "We're getting there."
"It doesn't feel like it," Gil admitted. "I know this is about our professional relationship, right now... but, Catherine, it feels like... like there's so much between us. Obstacles. And I don't know what they are, so I can't negotiate them."
Catherine had opened her mouth to refute his comment, but as his words set in, she realised how profound---and how precise---they were. She closed her mouth and avoiding his probing gaze as she tried to gather her thoughts.
"Catherine?"
She shook her head a little bit. Then, she cleared her throat and said, "I think we're done here."
"But---"
She forced herself to smile brightly---too brightly, in fact, but she couldn't do anything about that.
"We have to get back to work," she told him. "I want to look over those case files for the break-in's, because quite frankly, they are just driving me nuts. I refuse to believe that a bunch of novices are smarter than we are."
"I... um, well... if you're sure we're finished," Gil said quietly and hesitantly.
She nodded, eager to escape his curious personality. "Sure," she replied, "I mean... we'll keep having these meetings, so there's no need to hash it all out right this second, is there?"
"I... I guess not."
Catherine smiled again and then walked around her desk. She reached out and gently squeezed his shoulder once she was at his side. "I'm glad you're feeling better," she murmured, honestly, before she left her office.
&&&&
I am optimistic that he will be able to recover from his grief. He's already made several steps in the right direction and according to Dr. Grissom, his return to work is going smoothly. He has gone from talking about criminalistics in a negative way---due to grief, painful memories, etc.---to talking about it in a more positive way---as a way to help victims, to get to the truth, etc. I think that is an important step, given the brief description of his behavior when he first returned to the job.
Please contact my office at your convenience, to schedule a meeting.
Thank you,
Dr. Michelle Spencer.
TBC...