(Untitled)
I was half a bus away from him. He sat at the front, I at the back. I felt like puking. He didn’t even look that much like Him, just certain features, his height. He wore the same sort of tweed stuff that all people that age wear. He had the same kind of walking cane...one of those thick ones made from one piece of wood
( Read more... )
Triggers are insidious and horrible. Sandy gets triggered by moldy smells and photography developing liquid smells (slightly chemical)...mine are slicked back black hair and tattoos on forearms...and the smell of English Leather.
Now that you're older, you really are less likely to be abused by him--you've outgrown that 'girlish' stage that those types find so attractive. Confrontation can be tricky. If you don't have enough people there who know the truth and believe you, then you end up looking the bitch and the bad guy. And believe me, screaming and yelling go nowhere but south, because they just claim that you're hysterical and made it all up or had a dream that you thought was real.
Be careful at the SAC--and definitely get yourself some counseling of some kind. I tried to volunteer for our local SAC and it was too much. It brought back some of the worst memories, ones that I thought were buried far enough down they would never see the light of day. But you can use this productively, in time.
Courage to Heal helps. There are exercises in the book(s) *I say that because there are two, as well as workbooks that you can buy--although a simple tablet of paper will do*. Just writing down what happened and burning it can be so freeing and liberating. Telling yourself that it will never happen again because you won't let it--finding the triggers that open up the floodgates of memories and learning to control the terror and the pain...
And yes, I said terror and pain. Moreso, the guilt. Especially depending on your age, you start to think that maybe there was something that you did that lured him on, made him think that it was all right. Guilt because sometimes the things that they did felt good. Guilt because you should have told someone sooner, or stayed away from them, or stopped them, or screamed until someone came to help you...God, I've been there.
I'll also reference you to the comment that I made to shag_me_draco's reply. There is a special circle in hell for child molesters and abusers. I hope they burn.
When I applied for H_E, one of the questions was something I would do if I knew that I could get away with it scot-free. I think that I scared my mates when I said that I would gladly murder someone who was a child molester, or all child molesters period. Castration would be a good punishment too, but I doubt that they would allow it under the US Constitution (although they certainly can do a lot of other things with that like ban gay marriage rights and the Patriots Act)...
*hugs* If you ever need to talk, my email is spike_spetslayer @ yahoo.com. The beauty of the internet is the faceless friend that doesn't judge or condemn, only supports and loves. There's not enough of the right kind of love in the world, where we listen to one another and support each other through thick and thin. Consider me a friendly ear, a shoulder, and a personal advocate for you.
And you're right--we will get through this. We will move on. Because it stops here and now. Nobody will ever hurt us again. Nobody.
*hugs*
Reply
Leave a comment