its not bad hon. i'd say take out the repetitive stuff Hermione came down the row, smiling from under her straw hat. Lips stained red and a blush on her cheeks, she looked positively gorgeous.
“You look positively plebian.”
and Fine. Let them pick their stupid berries. But he wasn’t going to be happy about it.
He even said as much.
“Fine. Let them pick their stupid berries. But I’m not going to be happy about it”
also, this doesnt make much sense to me, but it might just be me Although he should have been trying to convince her to give up her crazed notions, or, when that didn’t succeed, which it never did, fearing for his sanity, years of being married to the witch in front of him had dulled his reactions of trying to apparate far, far away whenever Hermione came up with a new hobby. it kind of runs on...
Thanks hon! Both for the constructive crit and the encouragement. You're right about the run-on sentence; it didnt even make sense to me when I wrote it. As for the repetitiveness, it was supposed to be funny, but I guess it didnt come across like that. Oh well. Thank you for writing this all down; being told what can be improved and how is exactly what I need. I'm off to bed right now *am exhausted*, but I'll show you the changes I make tomorrow... Nite, Kara
i can see how it could be funny, but its almost the exact same thing written twice you know? you can just leave it at 'he said as much' and i think it would be fine.
i'd say take out the repetitive stuff
Hermione came down the row, smiling from under her straw hat. Lips stained red and a blush on her cheeks, she looked positively gorgeous.
“You look positively plebian.”
and
Fine. Let them pick their stupid berries. But he wasn’t going to be happy about it.
He even said as much.
“Fine. Let them pick their stupid berries. But I’m not going to be happy about it”
also, this doesnt make much sense to me, but it might just be me
Although he should have been trying to convince her to give up her crazed notions, or, when that didn’t succeed, which it never did, fearing for his sanity, years of being married to the witch in front of him had dulled his reactions of trying to apparate far, far away whenever Hermione came up with a new hobby.
it kind of runs on...
but its a cute lil fic
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Thank you for writing this all down; being told what can be improved and how is exactly what I need.
I'm off to bed right now *am exhausted*, but I'll show you the changes I make tomorrow...
Nite,
Kara
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glad you are writing!
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Sorry for the rant, but thanks for the support! Lol, I see what you were saying though!
Thanks hon,
Kara
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