here's the thing

[37beer1drunkman]

so you have this friend who has an awful day and then you go and get mixed up in your own nightmare that lasts all of 10 minutes and decide that the only person in the world you can call to bitch about your shit is the friend with the shitty day. then after making her feel shittier and realizing that you got caught up in your own shit and did make her feel shittier you come up with the dumb idea of not eating all day and being a grump asshole when you finally see her so that it seems like you don't even care. not only that but you become dazed and distant can't explain yourself and become afraid that somehow you are going to hurt everyone around you with the use of even one wrong word so you say nothing. you sit and become quiet even though you have a miilion things you'd like to say you become that person that you know you are sometimes where everything sits inside because you know you have it great and you're just trying to make things up so that you can also fit into the crappy life shitty day category. either way you start to ignore the little things that you are normally so good at remembering you start to drift off into a land of selfishness and individuality and you develop a complex where in you believe that nothing you do can ever satisfy the peopl you are with friendship or otherwise and that you are a let down. you drink ice water to ease the pain, maybe freeze your heart so you can't feel anything or your brain so that thinking about it just isn't possible. you put on a sad cd and think about how you can be so emotional inside but when it comes time to let that out you can do nothing but feel sorry for yourself and push that uncomfortable frustration out on everyone else in rage. you get confused and worried and you just want everything to be easy again like it was when you played all day long and the only time you thought about anything was when you were hungry or broke something and needed to think up a good scheme to get out of it. what happened to you that made you so internally directed. what appened in your childhood that made you into this introverted emotionally stunted jackass. why can you tell a perfect stranger how you feel but not the people you love. why can you think so many wondeful things but not say them out loud for fear they will come off as contrived and ridiculous.

"hey mister didn't mean to be so stupid. and i confess, i stole your heart from your chest. yeah and if, yeah, and if i had the chance, i'd put it back somehow. yeah i'd do it."

"hey mrs can i call when i'm away, i know that you don't mind, but i'm asking anyway, yeah and if i, yeah and if i had to light myself on fire, i'd do it, yeah i'd do it, yeah i'd do it for you."

"here i sit, here i stay, this lonelyness is eating me away, this lonelyness is eating me, it's forcing me it's feeding me, this lonelyness is eating me away."

so anyway a diatribe about my life masked in some ridiculous hypothetical is the dumbest idea because it's not exactly coy in anyway. (ha ha ha i almost wrote cod.) so yeah, i am an internal mess like usual but i'm tough and i can make it through and though i'm adverse to speaking publically about my issues i will say that the people around me are an asset in getting through this shit and i may just cry on your shoulders for awhile till i figure myself out.

um, gumdrops and lollipops rainbows sunshine and a zebra.