I've won. I've nearly beaten this horrid thing.
Yesterday oh yesterday what a wonderful wonderful wonderful day afternoon evening spent reflecting and contesting many long laboured thoughts. It was a day of fantastic magnitude. Magnitude. Boring it may have been but monumental I assure you. Old friends new friends gather round tell me stories from now. From now and again. Tell me the stories from when we where children playing with plastic on the shaggy tactile rug. Tell me a story about you and I playing on the floor playing on the floor thinking nothing but how lovely it is to be playing with our plastics on the floor. Now we're both older and I don't know who you are I don't I don't I don't at all know who you are with your glasses square upon your face. The truth the truth is I never knew I never knew who you were but the plastic and the rug and the glasses make me pretend make me want to pretend that distantly we were connected and now, nothing.
I forgave you both. I forgave myself. Everything is going to be ok ok ok. Finally that can be accpeted. I can accept that.
Yesterday oh yesterday you weren't there at all. But that's alright it's not your fault your fault. Yesterday the walk was nice the school was fine. Meet meet meet all walk to eat eat eat. Uncomfortable awkward unusual meeting. I somehow feel like I'm in the middle of this spectral mess. It becomes clear clear clear later that it was ok. In retrospect it was ok. It is ok. Walk walk I'll take you home. "I'll show you my art" lovely lovely lovely wonderful. Talk travel travel travel talking. Your art is so beautiful why don't you paint? Why why why don't you paint paint paint. I love you I love your work you amaze me. "This is for you for you you you it's of you." Beautiful beautiful beautiful painting for me of me. Awe shock shock. Awestruckshock. Thank you. Walk walk travel far away to distant suburbia where I live. Lonely distant perplexing suburbia.
Take off pants. Take take meticulously off my pants. Replace with work pants. Meticulously carefully forcefully replace with work pants. Work work work so excited to see the two of you I'm finally figuring my life out I feel amazing. That's wonderful. Talk oh no work work work. Oh dear. Why did this have to happen tonight? It's a test Tess. Test. You can triumph. We know you can. Work work smile bright happy smile friendly. Sigh of deep relief. Close lock lock doors. Talk talk talk its growing darker and later darker darker and later. Talk talk oh so wonderful he's just so wonderful and I don't even know him. Know him. And perhaps in all the excitement my common sense has left me as others would suggest. "You have to learn to make your own decisions Tess. Independent of what other people think." I realize that now. I can think for myself. I can can can. I can. I will. This will be an independent decision. This new change is scary and exciting all at once.
Leave drive travel away. A block block block or two away.
Talk.
Cuddle.
Sing sing sing stop incorrect sing again embarrassed. Very very embarrassed. Sing sing finish. Goodbye.
Change is eminent. Eminent. And we are all a part of it. What is to become of me? It's ok that I don't know. The uncertainty is beginning to excite me. Uncertainty.
Allow for the change.
I forgave you both. I forgave myself. Everything is going to be ok ok ok. Finally that can be accpeted. I can accept that.
Yesterday oh yesterday you weren't there at all. But that's alright it's not your fault your fault. Yesterday the walk was nice the school was fine. Meet meet meet all walk to eat eat eat. Uncomfortable awkward unusual meeting. I somehow feel like I'm in the middle of this spectral mess. It becomes clear clear clear later that it was ok. In retrospect it was ok. It is ok. Walk walk I'll take you home. "I'll show you my art" lovely lovely lovely wonderful. Talk travel travel travel talking. Your art is so beautiful why don't you paint? Why why why don't you paint paint paint. I love you I love your work you amaze me. "This is for you for you you you it's of you." Beautiful beautiful beautiful painting for me of me. Awe shock shock. Awestruckshock. Thank you. Walk walk travel far away to distant suburbia where I live. Lonely distant perplexing suburbia.
Take off pants. Take take meticulously off my pants. Replace with work pants. Meticulously carefully forcefully replace with work pants. Work work work so excited to see the two of you I'm finally figuring my life out I feel amazing. That's wonderful. Talk oh no work work work. Oh dear. Why did this have to happen tonight? It's a test Tess. Test. You can triumph. We know you can. Work work smile bright happy smile friendly. Sigh of deep relief. Close lock lock doors. Talk talk talk its growing darker and later darker darker and later. Talk talk oh so wonderful he's just so wonderful and I don't even know him. Know him. And perhaps in all the excitement my common sense has left me as others would suggest. "You have to learn to make your own decisions Tess. Independent of what other people think." I realize that now. I can think for myself. I can can can. I can. I will. This will be an independent decision. This new change is scary and exciting all at once.
Leave drive travel away. A block block block or two away.
Talk.
Cuddle.
Sing sing sing stop incorrect sing again embarrassed. Very very embarrassed. Sing sing finish. Goodbye.
Change is eminent. Eminent. And we are all a part of it. What is to become of me? It's ok that I don't know. The uncertainty is beginning to excite me. Uncertainty.
Allow for the change.