Prompt: 4 - self-loathing, self-doubt
Title: Hunger
Author: my_sam_dean
Characters: Sam and Dean Winchester
Rating R
Prompt: 4 self-loathing, self-doubt
Warnings: slash, incest
Disclaimer: I own nothing Supernatural.
Summary: Sam cannot figure Dean out until he gives Sam a clue.
Sam had enough of watching Dean poke at his food. "You going to eat with it or play with it?"
His swirled his fork around in the egg yolk. "I'm not hungry."
"Are you sick?"
Dean shook his head. "Nope. Just not hungry."
"I don't think I've ever heard you say that."
He shrugged. "First time for everything."
Watching Dean out of the corner of his eye, Sam quickly finished his dinner and wondered about his next step.
"Where to, Dean?"
He stopped next to his baby, tossed the keys in the air and caught them. "Research lead in any direction?"
"Nope."
He noticed that Dean's wasn't wearing his shades. He was staring ahead with eyes that were almost all pupil.
"Did you hit your head and forget to tell me?"
"No! Where did that come from? You'd have been there if it happened."
"Fine. Let's just get to the motel."
Sam could have expected Dean to be woozy from the fall he took in the shower or someplace else where Sam wouldn't have seen him. He was too preoccupied with ideas to find out about their current to be turned in to his surroundings. What totally baffled him was that Dean had him pinned to the wall before he realized it.
"What the hell?"
"I just, um, Sammy," Dean looked sad.
Staring into Dean's eyes, Sam didn't move. "Christo."
"I wish." Dean broke his gaze and loosened his grip. He took a step back. "I don't feel so well."
Sam barely kept him upright as Dean stumbled backwards toward a bed. Dean curled up in the fetal position and began a litany of "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." as he closed his eyes and began to rock himself from side to side.
Confused, Sam was speechless. He'd never seen Dean react this way to anything. He laid his hand on Dean's arm, which was constantly in motion.
"Shh, shh, Dean. Just calm down." When his gentle approach didn't work, he grabbed Dean's face between his palms and made him look Sam in the eye. "You need to calm the hell down. Everything is fine." Sam began to breathe in a relaxing fashion and Dean copied the technique out of habit. For several minutes the only sound in the room was their coordinated breathing.
Dean slowly stopped rocking and opened his eyes. His hands still clutched his legs as he laid there on the bedspread.
"Going to tell me what's going on?"
"You want to hit me for what I did?"
"I'm letting it slide for now. What's wrong?"
It took some time for Dean to gather his thoughts and share them with Sam. "I just haven't felt right. Not really sick, just not right. Last night I tried my usual fixes for when I'm in a funk--drinking and chasing skirts. This morning, I didn't feel any better, actually I felt worse. I followed my usual morning routine and didn't notice you were at the diner until I'd had my dose of caffeine." Dean quit speaking.
"And?"
"Instead of wanting food, I was craving you." Dean looked straight at Sam, waiting for a reaction.
Sam had his arms folded in front of him as he chewed on his lip. "This isn't a joke, is it?"
"I'm pathetic and miserable. Does it look like I'm pretending to you?"
"You're telling me the truth." Sam paused. "Do you still want to kiss me?"
"Considering that I don't want food and all I'm hungry for is you, I'd have to go with 'yes' for that one. Go divide up the arsenal. We'll find you a car and you can go on your way."
"Huh?"
"You going to make me go into details? Do you have to be that cruel?"
"What? I'm not-" Sam sighed. "I'm not leaving and neither are you." He crouched down so he didn't lord over Dean. "Think this is a curse or spell?"
Dean averted his eyes and turned red. "It's not a curse or spell."
"How do you know?"
"Wanting to kiss you isn't new. Needing to is the twist."
Sam processed what he was hearing. He ran though Dean's words a few times in his head. From the time he'd hit puberty, he'd desired Dean.
Apparently, Sam had been silent for too long.
"Okay, fine." Dean sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. "I'm not asking you to do anything. Just let me get out of here before you have your little breakdown." He stood and strode to the door.
Startled into action, Sam flew to his feet before he could have any second thoughts. He drew Dean close and initiated the kiss he'd fantasized about for as long as he could remember.
"No breakdown," Sam whispered when they broke for air. "Surprised."
"Good surprise or bad surprise?"
"Good. Definitely good." Sam put his teenage dream into motion as an adult. "Need more?"
Dean didn't even respond with words. He just took.