rats. (Bleach; Urahara Kisuke and Shihouin Yoruichi; theme #9)
Title: rats.
Author: beneathabridge/ yes. this is sarah.
Pairing: Urahara Kisuke and Shihouin Yoruichi
Fandom: Bleach
Theme: #9- dash
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or anything else of Tite Kubo’s, including, but not limited to, his house, his car, his mother, or his soul. Tragic, I know.
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“Kisuke-san, there’s a rat!” Ururu squealed as she ran into the kitchen, Jinta hot on her heels.
“A rat?” Kisuke questioned, looking up from his newspaper interestedly. “What makes you say that?”
“We saw it!” Ururu replied, her large eyes filling with tears. “It’s big and scary!”
Kisuke got up out of his chair to place a warm hand on the girl’s head in a comforting gesture. “Calm down, Ururu. It’s not that bad.” He sighed before looking at Jinta. “Is there actually a rat, or is this you scaring her into hysterics?” Kisuke was suspicious-this wouldn’t have been the first time that Jinta had caused Ururu to come to Kisuke crying. The last time had been because Jinta had convinced her that there were killer vampire bats living in the rafters.
Jinta shook his head, his eyes wide. “No, there really was a rat, and it was freakin’ HUGE. It spotted us, and I thought it was gonna eat us!”
Kisuke grinned like a maniac-that smile only emerged when he knew that he was going to get to do something he deemed incredibly fun. “If only Yoruichi-san was here… Ah, well. I guess we’ll just have to deal with this on our own! Jinta, go get Tessai from the back. We have a battle to prepare for!”
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Yoruichi, watching from the shadows that splattered the house, didn’t think that she had ever seen anything so comical in her life. The four occupants of the house spent all day coming up with hare-brained schemes to catch and slay the “giant rat OF DOOM”, as Jinta referred to it. With each passing moment, however, Yoruichi could see subtle changes in the enemy start to form. At first, it was a single monstrous rat; then, it became a squad of man-eating rats; soon, the four were plotting a full-scale assault on the highly-advanced base of a rat king who was attended by his loyal army of mutant rodents with glowing red eyes and nails that seeped poison.
Yoruichi was loathe to spoil anyone’s fun in the beginning. Kisuke and the rest were clearly enjoying themselves. Soon, however, she figured that they would be awfully disappointed when they realized that there was, in fact, no rat king, and that she might as well just go take care of the problem herself before their dreams were shattered. She was bored, anyway. At least killing this rat would give her something to do. Yoruichi trotted off, following her nose to where the hapless rat was scampering about, unaware that he was about to be very, very dead.
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Kisuke held a finger to his lips, silencing Ururu and Jinta, who were bickering behind him. He pointed a silent finger at the door that lay ahead of the them, causing the pair to lean forward, listening for the sound of tiny feet on wood. They didn’t hear little feet, but they did hear a strange thumping noise that convinced them whole-heartedly that they had found the lair of the evil rodent monarch. Kisuke glanced at Tessai, who was poised and waiting for the signal, a broom raised over his head in one hand and a heavy skillet in the other. After giving Ururu and Jinta a significant glance, one that clearly said “don’t-make-anymore-noise-or-you’ll-give-away-our-position”, Kisuke began to count on his fingers. It had been decided back at base that they would begin the siege on the count of three. He was determined that they would reclaim the house from the intruders or die trying. One… two… THREE.
And they were off, the foursome scrambling in a mad dash for the door. Their feet skittered along the floor, everybody slamming into everybody else in a bid to be the one to claim the honors of assassinating the rat king.
Kisuke’s hand grasped the door handle first, and as he flung it open, the hammer he was wielding fell to his waist and his face took on a look of surprise. A single, freshly-killed rat lay on the floor, and a familiar black cat was contentedly cleaning its paws of the gore.
“Yoruichi-san!” he exclaimed, as the three people behind him peered around his form for a better look. “What are you doing here?”
“What does it look like I’m doing?” she answered calmly. “I slew the rat king and his army.”
“Really?” Ururu called from behind Kisuke. “Did you really, Yoruichi-san?”
Yoruichi nodded. “Yup. It was a hard battle, but in the end I prevailed.”
“Whatever,” said Jinta, already walking away with his hands behind his head. “I’m tired and this is lame.”
“Wait up, Jinta!” Ururu said, going after him, not wanting to be left behind. “Thank you, Yoruichi-san!” she said back over her shoulder.
“Hey now, you two had better put those pans away!” Tessai called after the pair. “Don’t give me that look, Jinta!” he said sternly, following Ururu and Jinta, probably to make sure that they did put the pans away and that Jinta did it with minimal complaining.
Kisuke leaned against the door frame. “Slew the rat king, huh, Yoruichi? That’s a hot one.”
“Hey,” she said with a tip of her furry head, “I was helping. I think you had those kids genuinely convinced that they were gonna come in here and be faced with an army of rodents.”
“Point one-eavesdropping? Bad habit. You should really get that taken care of, or it’ll get you into trouble some day. Point two-what’s the problem with a little imagination?”
“Imagination is fine, Kisuke; delusions are a problem.” She had changed forms now, and she was walking towards him nonchalantly, her hands on her dark hips.
“Oh, no, Little Miss Lack of Imagination!” he trilled when she placed her hands on his chest. “If you’re not gonna follow me into the clouds and let your mind run away with you, how are we going to have any fun?” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
Yoruichi was silent for a moment. “What, no snappy comeback, Yoruichi-san?” Kisuke questioned in the wake of her hush.
“Not at this point,” she replied. “I was temporarily struck dumb by the utter stupidity of that statement.”
Kisuke grinned down at her face, which still showed the vestiges of her disbelief. “Scoff all you want, Yoruichi. I liked it.” He pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Anyway, you’d better go bathe. There’s no way you’re getting in bed with me when you smell like rat. Oh, and dispose of the stiff, would you?” Gesturing at the dead rat, he gave her a cheeky wink and walked away, leaving her standing there with her arms crossed over her chest.
Okay, Yoruichi though, there’s no way he’s getting away with that. “Now just you wait a minute!” she called after him, setting off to catch up. Kisuke glanced over his shoulder and saw her approaching form. His pace quickened, and Yoruichi smiled. So it’s a chase he wants? Her grin grew larger, and she set off at a run after him. “I’m gonna make you pay for that bath comment!”
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AN- Yes, I am, in fact, lame beyond belief and have no problem employing mutant rats and terrible lines about clouds to serve my purpose. So sue me. And yes, I am very aware that I cannot write comedy and should just throw myself off a cliff.
PS- thanks to linguistyx for the beta and for relating to me that fact that while he is verbally hilarious, my humor is purely physical. i need to start doing slaptsick skits, basically.
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and here's my table.
Author: beneathabridge/ yes. this is sarah.
Pairing: Urahara Kisuke and Shihouin Yoruichi
Fandom: Bleach
Theme: #9- dash
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or anything else of Tite Kubo’s, including, but not limited to, his house, his car, his mother, or his soul. Tragic, I know.
-----------------------------------------------------------
“Kisuke-san, there’s a rat!” Ururu squealed as she ran into the kitchen, Jinta hot on her heels.
“A rat?” Kisuke questioned, looking up from his newspaper interestedly. “What makes you say that?”
“We saw it!” Ururu replied, her large eyes filling with tears. “It’s big and scary!”
Kisuke got up out of his chair to place a warm hand on the girl’s head in a comforting gesture. “Calm down, Ururu. It’s not that bad.” He sighed before looking at Jinta. “Is there actually a rat, or is this you scaring her into hysterics?” Kisuke was suspicious-this wouldn’t have been the first time that Jinta had caused Ururu to come to Kisuke crying. The last time had been because Jinta had convinced her that there were killer vampire bats living in the rafters.
Jinta shook his head, his eyes wide. “No, there really was a rat, and it was freakin’ HUGE. It spotted us, and I thought it was gonna eat us!”
Kisuke grinned like a maniac-that smile only emerged when he knew that he was going to get to do something he deemed incredibly fun. “If only Yoruichi-san was here… Ah, well. I guess we’ll just have to deal with this on our own! Jinta, go get Tessai from the back. We have a battle to prepare for!”
-----------------------------------------------------------
Yoruichi, watching from the shadows that splattered the house, didn’t think that she had ever seen anything so comical in her life. The four occupants of the house spent all day coming up with hare-brained schemes to catch and slay the “giant rat OF DOOM”, as Jinta referred to it. With each passing moment, however, Yoruichi could see subtle changes in the enemy start to form. At first, it was a single monstrous rat; then, it became a squad of man-eating rats; soon, the four were plotting a full-scale assault on the highly-advanced base of a rat king who was attended by his loyal army of mutant rodents with glowing red eyes and nails that seeped poison.
Yoruichi was loathe to spoil anyone’s fun in the beginning. Kisuke and the rest were clearly enjoying themselves. Soon, however, she figured that they would be awfully disappointed when they realized that there was, in fact, no rat king, and that she might as well just go take care of the problem herself before their dreams were shattered. She was bored, anyway. At least killing this rat would give her something to do. Yoruichi trotted off, following her nose to where the hapless rat was scampering about, unaware that he was about to be very, very dead.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Kisuke held a finger to his lips, silencing Ururu and Jinta, who were bickering behind him. He pointed a silent finger at the door that lay ahead of the them, causing the pair to lean forward, listening for the sound of tiny feet on wood. They didn’t hear little feet, but they did hear a strange thumping noise that convinced them whole-heartedly that they had found the lair of the evil rodent monarch. Kisuke glanced at Tessai, who was poised and waiting for the signal, a broom raised over his head in one hand and a heavy skillet in the other. After giving Ururu and Jinta a significant glance, one that clearly said “don’t-make-anymore-noise-or-you’ll-give-away-our-position”, Kisuke began to count on his fingers. It had been decided back at base that they would begin the siege on the count of three. He was determined that they would reclaim the house from the intruders or die trying. One… two… THREE.
And they were off, the foursome scrambling in a mad dash for the door. Their feet skittered along the floor, everybody slamming into everybody else in a bid to be the one to claim the honors of assassinating the rat king.
Kisuke’s hand grasped the door handle first, and as he flung it open, the hammer he was wielding fell to his waist and his face took on a look of surprise. A single, freshly-killed rat lay on the floor, and a familiar black cat was contentedly cleaning its paws of the gore.
“Yoruichi-san!” he exclaimed, as the three people behind him peered around his form for a better look. “What are you doing here?”
“What does it look like I’m doing?” she answered calmly. “I slew the rat king and his army.”
“Really?” Ururu called from behind Kisuke. “Did you really, Yoruichi-san?”
Yoruichi nodded. “Yup. It was a hard battle, but in the end I prevailed.”
“Whatever,” said Jinta, already walking away with his hands behind his head. “I’m tired and this is lame.”
“Wait up, Jinta!” Ururu said, going after him, not wanting to be left behind. “Thank you, Yoruichi-san!” she said back over her shoulder.
“Hey now, you two had better put those pans away!” Tessai called after the pair. “Don’t give me that look, Jinta!” he said sternly, following Ururu and Jinta, probably to make sure that they did put the pans away and that Jinta did it with minimal complaining.
Kisuke leaned against the door frame. “Slew the rat king, huh, Yoruichi? That’s a hot one.”
“Hey,” she said with a tip of her furry head, “I was helping. I think you had those kids genuinely convinced that they were gonna come in here and be faced with an army of rodents.”
“Point one-eavesdropping? Bad habit. You should really get that taken care of, or it’ll get you into trouble some day. Point two-what’s the problem with a little imagination?”
“Imagination is fine, Kisuke; delusions are a problem.” She had changed forms now, and she was walking towards him nonchalantly, her hands on her dark hips.
“Oh, no, Little Miss Lack of Imagination!” he trilled when she placed her hands on his chest. “If you’re not gonna follow me into the clouds and let your mind run away with you, how are we going to have any fun?” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
Yoruichi was silent for a moment. “What, no snappy comeback, Yoruichi-san?” Kisuke questioned in the wake of her hush.
“Not at this point,” she replied. “I was temporarily struck dumb by the utter stupidity of that statement.”
Kisuke grinned down at her face, which still showed the vestiges of her disbelief. “Scoff all you want, Yoruichi. I liked it.” He pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Anyway, you’d better go bathe. There’s no way you’re getting in bed with me when you smell like rat. Oh, and dispose of the stiff, would you?” Gesturing at the dead rat, he gave her a cheeky wink and walked away, leaving her standing there with her arms crossed over her chest.
Okay, Yoruichi though, there’s no way he’s getting away with that. “Now just you wait a minute!” she called after him, setting off to catch up. Kisuke glanced over his shoulder and saw her approaching form. His pace quickened, and Yoruichi smiled. So it’s a chase he wants? Her grin grew larger, and she set off at a run after him. “I’m gonna make you pay for that bath comment!”
-----------------------------------------------------------
AN- Yes, I am, in fact, lame beyond belief and have no problem employing mutant rats and terrible lines about clouds to serve my purpose. So sue me. And yes, I am very aware that I cannot write comedy and should just throw myself off a cliff.
PS- thanks to linguistyx for the beta and for relating to me that fact that while he is verbally hilarious, my humor is purely physical. i need to start doing slaptsick skits, basically.
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and here's my table.