(Untitled)

[inyurface]

Title: Fiery Rose 
Chapter: "Why'd You?"
Author: Neominitails
Theme(s): #30 melancholy; depressed; cheer up, #15 memory; passage of time; seasons
Summary: Kurama keeps dreaming of the same girl and doesn't understand why. Rei moves in with Kagome. Rei ends up going to the same school as the YYh Boys.
Pairing/Characters: Rei Hino (Sailor mOon/ Kurama

Comments

[commaqueen]

I don't have time right now to do a really in-depth analysis, but here's some suggestions that came to me right off the bat

[inyurface]

Umm... well, the story is based off the manga and teh anime (Rei's persoanlity is very different on both and so is most of her storylin... even slightly PGSM... (not much)). And the reason for much of her emotionalness of this her (in this chhapter) is because she had been going through this for soo long! :(

Yeah, I'm trying to work on my wording and grammar for the story.

Oh and on YYH... during the time the shows had happened... they were 14 years old.... But, I'm trying to make them older for teh story...

Oh and I knw of teh demon's way of addressing of Koharku... there is a reaosn.

I ahve been trying to work on getting rid of passive voice in my work...

Oh, and besides that, thank you for your critiques. I'll get myself a beta, thanks again.

Thanks

-Neo-kun

[commaqueen]

I've read some of the manga, J, and I still think that Rei is out of character. It's not that I don't think that Rei wouldn't cry over some of this. But she wouldn't cry in public, and I really doubt that she'd show him she was hurting. Now, she might cry to her friends, and I'm sure she'd cry in private, but not somewhere in public, in front of him and Botan.

And the impression that I got of both Botan and from Kurama from YYH is that they were both older. I don't think appearance necessarily has anything to do with age in that series. I could be wrong, and I probably should have checked with a friend of mine who's really knowledgeable about the series first. I'll bug her as soon as I see her online next time.

[inyurface]

Actually, he is 15 to be exact.

[commaqueen]

You're right. ^^; Sorry for arguing about it; I should know better than to talk about things I know nothing about. He just seems more mature than 15 for some reason. I still stick by my feelings about Rei, though we're free to disagree.

Also, I forgot to say anything in response to the demon's speech; I'll be looking forward to your explanation. Good luck on finding a beta--perhaps one of these days we can all do some kind of group exercise where we actually just do serious, thorough critiques and try to help each other figure out exactly where everyone's various strengths and weaknesses are, as well as more permanent solutions than relying on someone else to find the errors. It's always better, in my opinion, if you can see and correct the errors oneself. :D

[inyurface]

Oh yeah... I agree with everything that you said on every post except about the Kurama's age thing and though I don't think Rei is ooc, in my opinion but most of the time, I'll never have her so emotional. LOL.

Oh and about the demon's speech... it is the way it is because of whats goign to happen on the next chapter... Oi.

About tehm not being that smart... Sesshomaru and Kurama are that smart ~sarcastic~ LOl.... jk.

Thanks for your review -smiles- I'll look at some grammar stuff to get better.

[commaqueen]

:D By explanation I meant by what I see in the next chapter. Sorry I wasn't very explicit by that... I didn't mean that you owed me an explanation now or anything. Just that I was curious what you've got up your sleeve. If that makes any sense.

And yeah, both Kurama and Sessouhmaru are plenty smart and articulate. But I think they're the exceptions to the rule, rather than the common place. Alot of the lesser demons seem to have more vulgar/ common/ informal speech patterns. And I think the more animalistic they get (the more the bloodlust rides them) I think even the most intelligent ones lose their more human qualities and just become ravening beasts.

[inyurface]

Oh! LOL... they are sort of exceptons, eh? You are right. LOL... yeah, I should've figured that out... I'm not the smartest fellow, oi.

Oh,, curious, eh? I ahve plenty of stuff for this up my sleeve... though before I post the next chapter, I'll start working on my prequel of Fiery Rose.

Very true to what you said on the last part of your reply.

I just posted a new story on here...