[ YST : Ryo/Touma/Seiji : #28 + 29 : Waking Dream ]

[trahn]

Fandom: Yoroiden Samurai Troopers
Title: Waking Dream
Author: Trahn
Prompt(s): Snow's Theme, no.s 28 (double teamed) and 29 (sober).
Pairing/Characters: Sanada Ryo / Hashiba Touma / Date Seiji
Rating: NC-17!!! DO NOT READ IF YOU'RE UNDER 18!! (smut, sex, and did I mention there are hot guys banging each other? THERE ARE!)
Disclaimer: I wish.

Comments

[aya1412]

A little thing I noticed was that the "hungry beast" and "tiger" imagery didn't seem to fit, or seemed a little corny, but your sex scene is good -especially since it's the first time you've done this before. I couldn't write a PWP to save my life without it being so ridiculously bad readers would laugh out loud. Just be detailed about what goes on and very conscious of your diction. PWP is by definition plotless, but it's still better if the characters have at least some emotional investment in the situation and each other. That way, there's more something significant to be addressed that the readers can take interest in. You did well with Touma's reactions and fears, but you could pay a little bit more attention to it. Something else I noticed was that your sentences tend to all be the same length, and you often start them out with "he." There are also a really large number of commas, and several were misplaced.

You were really good at keeping track of all three characters. Writers too often focus on two partners and neglect the third, but you definitely didn't have that problem. Another thing you did very well was keeping the POV consistent throughout the entire piece. It's very distracting when a third-person limited POV suddenly changes in the middle of a paragraph and all of a sudden we see things from a completely different character's perspective. Unlike a lot of writers you pick someone and stick with it. Seiji was very in character -cool and confident in himself. While Touma and Ryo were a little change they definitely weren't OOC, which was really great. And isn't change (to an extent) the point of fanfiction, anyway? There was a good balance here. You didn't use sex as an excuse to make the characters completely and wildly different. Dialogue is important, too. Touma, Ryo, and Seiji each speak differently and you didn't forget that. The sentence structure of their dialogue was very accurate and easy to believe. Seiji was grammatically correct, Ryo was colloquial, and Touma was somewhere in the middle. On the whole, your story was really enjoyable. I'd definitely read something you write for this pairing.

[trahn]

Oh, wow, thank you! :D I really appreciate all the input! I'm going to have to work on some of that stuff. Thanks so much (especially for the compliments! :P). I'm definitely going to write more for these guys, too. I love working with them.

[aya1412]

No problem! :)