Lonely Day [Saiyuki, SanzoxGoku, Emo#26]
TITLE: Lonely Day
AUTHOR: Eyes of Shinigami
RATING: PG
PAIRING: Sanzo/Goku (well, sort of)
THEME: Emo Theme #26 Lonely Day by System of A Down
WARNINGS: Kind of angsty, mentions of m/m slash
SUMMARY: It’s not usually so bad, but there’s just something about today…Set as an in-between incarnations for Sanzo, where Goku muses on waiting. Told entirely in Goku’s POV.
DISCLAIMER: Saiyuki isn’t mine, no matter how much I wish it was. That honor belongs to the fabtabulous Kazuya Minekura.
Many thanks to keire_ke and my windwhisprer for looking this over. This is dedicated to you both!
------
From the moment I wake up I know that today is going be a bad day. A glance to the calendar beside my bed confirms this, and I try not to wince. I hate today, no matter what day it happens to fall.
It isn’t long before the pangs of loneliness set in and I am forced to remember that I’m stuck waiting. The same dance, the same routine over and over again for the rest of eternity, but I’m the one who said I would wait. I will always wait for him.
Come to think of it, it’s been a long while since I’ve seen him. It’s really easy to forget, since all I can do is sit and watch the world shed its skin and be reborn. I morph with the changing world around me, so I don’t lose touch and miss anything. I am never surprised by what I see, or let what I have seen affect me too badly. It wouldn’t do for me to find him and I’m too damaged to handle it when he comes along. No matter what form he takes, who he is, or what he does, he always comes with an obscene amount of emotional baggage. It’s as if the gods can’t give him a break for anything.
A sigh escapes me as I climb out of bed, making it a point not to look at the calendar again as I begin to get dressed. I have a job, just to keep myself from getting bored. I’ve gone to school dozens of times, picked and played with different careers to keep trying something new. Hakkai would have been proud of me, with all the knowledge that I’ve acquired over the years. Sometimes, it’s just what I need to impress him when he stumbles into my life.
I look out the window, watching in fascination as the gray clouds roll in and shadow the sunlight that had been spilling through my window. Perfect, and ironic, that it would rain today. I don’t know how I’m going to manage to make it through today unscathed, deciding that maybe I should call in sick to work. My boss will understand, since I have done the same thing since I started working there. Hell, it’s the same thing I’ve done since I lost him the last time. And the time before that, and the time before that…
Today seems to mock me, reminding me of what I’m missing. No matter when he’s alive, this day seems to always be pronounced in whatever life he’s living. When we’re together, today is usually filled with happy sounds and sweetness on my part, even as he’s unwilling to admit he loves it. It will usually lead to a night spent wrapped in each other’s bodies, entangled arms and entwined breaths that make it that much better. It is a celebration that he has managed to live another year, to face another pitfall.
He doesn’t always remember our other times together, but I have learned not to press. Bad things can happen when he’s forced to remember, so I don’t remind him. It’s okay, for the most part. We always manage to create new memories to replace the old ones anyway.
Enough of this, I think to myself. I can’t just sit here and wallow all day. Maybe if I leave the house, it won’t be so bad.
------
I should know by now that I can’t escape it. The abysmal rain has done nothing but secure the veritable flood of memories. The world is painted in a dull monotone, because the sun wouldn’t dare shine today.
I am walking home now, feeling the rain against my skin and soaking through my work clothes. I used to love the rain, but now, I’ve garnered a rather unhealthy dislike for it. It reminds me of him and of how he used to sit perched in the window like a beacon, even when he wanted to be alone. The smoke that would curl around him from the burning cigarette between his fingers, to the ash stains on his robes when he forgot that it was there; I remember all of these things when it rains. Later on, I would remember the nights we would spend together, his body curled into mine to look for solace from the memories. We’d lose ourselves in pleasure, and for a brief moment he would forget the sound of the rain pounding on the roof.
Now, all it does is chill me to the bone. It makes my body miss his even more than normal.
I stroll past a shop, but something catches my eye that brings a sad smile to my face. I am compelled to go inside, soon walking outside with a box held precariously in my hands. The man was nice enough to cover it in a plastic bag so it wouldn’t get wet, but it doesn’t matter. He won’t know what it’s really for anyway.
My feet begin to move more quickly to bring me to my waiting apartment, the box held in my hands giving me a sense of urgency. I don’t want it to get ruined; that would defeat the whole purpose, after all. Up the stairs and to the left, I enter my apartment and hurry to set the box down on the counter nearby so I can change my clothes. I forget about the wetness, focused solely on the contents of that box. I don’t really know what has come over me, but I can’t deny it now.
I keep the lights dim, rummaging about in my drawer to find what I’m looking for. A soft clinking sound greets me and I cannot help the smile that crosses my features. It’s been a long time, but they should still work. If not, well, I can always just pretend. I’ve become skilled at doing that, so what’s one more time?
The box is open and I let the candles sink in as I hum to myself. I probably should feel a little foolish, but I don’t. Happy memories of days past begin to cloud the darker ones filled with death and loss. I’m glad I decided to go ahead and buy this today.
A simple white chocolate cake with strawberry frosting was always his favorite. This one is no exception, and just looking at it makes my heart ache with affection. It’s been the same since I’ve known him and he’s always surprised when I guess right. When you know someone for forever, you pick up these things. Of course, I never tell him that, but it soothes me enough that I know. Two candles, right in the middle of the cake between the loopy words written on the cake, one of them purple and one of them gold.
The flames burn merrily, but the lightness seeing the cake the first time drains away from me. I’m left feeling numb, empty. This didn’t end how I thought it would. I thought this would make me happy, and I could pretend that we were together again. I could pretend there were balloons and laughter, but all I can hear is the rain still spattering against the window.
With a heaving sigh, I blow out the candles and resign myself to crawling back into bed. Maybe tomorrow will be better, since it won’t be today anymore. As I turn back towards the hallway, nearly silent words leave my lips before I can stop them.
“Happy birthday, Sanzo.”
-End-
AUTHOR: Eyes of Shinigami
RATING: PG
PAIRING: Sanzo/Goku (well, sort of)
THEME: Emo Theme #26 Lonely Day by System of A Down
WARNINGS: Kind of angsty, mentions of m/m slash
SUMMARY: It’s not usually so bad, but there’s just something about today…Set as an in-between incarnations for Sanzo, where Goku muses on waiting. Told entirely in Goku’s POV.
DISCLAIMER: Saiyuki isn’t mine, no matter how much I wish it was. That honor belongs to the fabtabulous Kazuya Minekura.
Many thanks to keire_ke and my windwhisprer for looking this over. This is dedicated to you both!
------
From the moment I wake up I know that today is going be a bad day. A glance to the calendar beside my bed confirms this, and I try not to wince. I hate today, no matter what day it happens to fall.
It isn’t long before the pangs of loneliness set in and I am forced to remember that I’m stuck waiting. The same dance, the same routine over and over again for the rest of eternity, but I’m the one who said I would wait. I will always wait for him.
Come to think of it, it’s been a long while since I’ve seen him. It’s really easy to forget, since all I can do is sit and watch the world shed its skin and be reborn. I morph with the changing world around me, so I don’t lose touch and miss anything. I am never surprised by what I see, or let what I have seen affect me too badly. It wouldn’t do for me to find him and I’m too damaged to handle it when he comes along. No matter what form he takes, who he is, or what he does, he always comes with an obscene amount of emotional baggage. It’s as if the gods can’t give him a break for anything.
A sigh escapes me as I climb out of bed, making it a point not to look at the calendar again as I begin to get dressed. I have a job, just to keep myself from getting bored. I’ve gone to school dozens of times, picked and played with different careers to keep trying something new. Hakkai would have been proud of me, with all the knowledge that I’ve acquired over the years. Sometimes, it’s just what I need to impress him when he stumbles into my life.
I look out the window, watching in fascination as the gray clouds roll in and shadow the sunlight that had been spilling through my window. Perfect, and ironic, that it would rain today. I don’t know how I’m going to manage to make it through today unscathed, deciding that maybe I should call in sick to work. My boss will understand, since I have done the same thing since I started working there. Hell, it’s the same thing I’ve done since I lost him the last time. And the time before that, and the time before that…
Today seems to mock me, reminding me of what I’m missing. No matter when he’s alive, this day seems to always be pronounced in whatever life he’s living. When we’re together, today is usually filled with happy sounds and sweetness on my part, even as he’s unwilling to admit he loves it. It will usually lead to a night spent wrapped in each other’s bodies, entangled arms and entwined breaths that make it that much better. It is a celebration that he has managed to live another year, to face another pitfall.
He doesn’t always remember our other times together, but I have learned not to press. Bad things can happen when he’s forced to remember, so I don’t remind him. It’s okay, for the most part. We always manage to create new memories to replace the old ones anyway.
Enough of this, I think to myself. I can’t just sit here and wallow all day. Maybe if I leave the house, it won’t be so bad.
------
I should know by now that I can’t escape it. The abysmal rain has done nothing but secure the veritable flood of memories. The world is painted in a dull monotone, because the sun wouldn’t dare shine today.
I am walking home now, feeling the rain against my skin and soaking through my work clothes. I used to love the rain, but now, I’ve garnered a rather unhealthy dislike for it. It reminds me of him and of how he used to sit perched in the window like a beacon, even when he wanted to be alone. The smoke that would curl around him from the burning cigarette between his fingers, to the ash stains on his robes when he forgot that it was there; I remember all of these things when it rains. Later on, I would remember the nights we would spend together, his body curled into mine to look for solace from the memories. We’d lose ourselves in pleasure, and for a brief moment he would forget the sound of the rain pounding on the roof.
Now, all it does is chill me to the bone. It makes my body miss his even more than normal.
I stroll past a shop, but something catches my eye that brings a sad smile to my face. I am compelled to go inside, soon walking outside with a box held precariously in my hands. The man was nice enough to cover it in a plastic bag so it wouldn’t get wet, but it doesn’t matter. He won’t know what it’s really for anyway.
My feet begin to move more quickly to bring me to my waiting apartment, the box held in my hands giving me a sense of urgency. I don’t want it to get ruined; that would defeat the whole purpose, after all. Up the stairs and to the left, I enter my apartment and hurry to set the box down on the counter nearby so I can change my clothes. I forget about the wetness, focused solely on the contents of that box. I don’t really know what has come over me, but I can’t deny it now.
I keep the lights dim, rummaging about in my drawer to find what I’m looking for. A soft clinking sound greets me and I cannot help the smile that crosses my features. It’s been a long time, but they should still work. If not, well, I can always just pretend. I’ve become skilled at doing that, so what’s one more time?
The box is open and I let the candles sink in as I hum to myself. I probably should feel a little foolish, but I don’t. Happy memories of days past begin to cloud the darker ones filled with death and loss. I’m glad I decided to go ahead and buy this today.
A simple white chocolate cake with strawberry frosting was always his favorite. This one is no exception, and just looking at it makes my heart ache with affection. It’s been the same since I’ve known him and he’s always surprised when I guess right. When you know someone for forever, you pick up these things. Of course, I never tell him that, but it soothes me enough that I know. Two candles, right in the middle of the cake between the loopy words written on the cake, one of them purple and one of them gold.
The flames burn merrily, but the lightness seeing the cake the first time drains away from me. I’m left feeling numb, empty. This didn’t end how I thought it would. I thought this would make me happy, and I could pretend that we were together again. I could pretend there were balloons and laughter, but all I can hear is the rain still spattering against the window.
With a heaving sigh, I blow out the candles and resign myself to crawling back into bed. Maybe tomorrow will be better, since it won’t be today anymore. As I turn back towards the hallway, nearly silent words leave my lips before I can stop them.
“Happy birthday, Sanzo.”
-End-