Bruised, Gently Healing
Fandom: Supernatural
Title: Bruised, Gently Healing
Author/Artist: my-sam_dean
Theme(s): 15 - First Time
Pairing/Characters: Sam/Dean
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer/claimer (if needed): I own nothing Supernatural.
Summary (if needed): Warnings: Slash/Incest.
Sam and Dean were having the same old argument. It was never over or resolved.
"Dean," Sam's voice was almost a whimper. "Please."
"I can't, Sammy. I've told you before, I just can't." Dean rested his forehead against Sam's.
"Why not?" Sam was breathing heavy and sweating. "We've been in a relationship for how long how?"
Dean closed his eyes and didn't reply.
"We're close in every other way, Dean," Sam tried to explain. "I just want us to be close in all ways."
"I know you do," Dean opened his eyes and Sam could see the pain in them. "I'm just sorry . . ."
Dean turned his back to Sam and laid down on his side. Sam sighed in frustration and laid down behind him, resting a hand on Dean's hip.
"Do you know why you can't, Dean?" Sam tried to keep his voice soft, just asking and not confronting.
Dean took Sam's hand in his and kissed it. "I love the way we are, Sammy."
"I love that, too. I'm just asking for more."
"You're innocent, Sammy. I don't want to take that away. Once it's gone, you can't get it back."
"So you're only attracted to me because I am a virgin in that way? Do I have to go pick up some random guy on the street and then you'll have me because I'm not innocent anymore?" Sam couldn't keep the anger out of his voice.
"Don't you ever do that!" Dean turned to face him. "Ever! I mean it. Promise me!"
Sam was confused and taken aback by how upset Dean was. "Promise. I shouldn't have said that."
"Damn right," Dean rolled back over.
Sam let Dean quiet down before he asked, "Have you ever made love to a man before, Dean?"
"No," Dean was quick to reply. "It wasn't love."
That second part told Sam what he needed to know.
"I love you, Dean. And, I know you love me back. Whatever we do together, it's love."
Dean was silent.
"Have you had sex with a man before?" Sam reworded his question.
"Yes."
"Was it pleasant?"
"No. It wasn't. Are you satisfied now?"
"You think I'd be happy to know that you had an unpleasant sexual experience? I wouldn't wish that on anyone. And, no, I'm not satisfied. I'd like to know what happened so we can avoid it."
"It's in the past, Sammy."
"When it affects us in the here and now, it is no longer just in the past."
Dean didn't respond.
"I want us to get closer, Dean, and I think you want that, too. Let me help you deal with the bad memories. We'll only have good ones from now on."
Dean was quiet. Sam thought he might have fallen asleep.
"We didn't have money and I knew of this place. Figured it wouldn't be a big deal. Very mean, cruel. But, we were able to buy enough macaroni and cheese to last until Dad came home."
"Oh, Dean. I didn't know."
"Because I didn't tell. Once my innocence was gone, that was it. But, we had food and that was more important."
"No, it wasn't. You're more important than anything to me, Dean."
"We needed to eat. I didn't want to dirty the image you had of Dad. Didn't need you to know that his hunts lasted longer than the money he left us at times. He did his best."
"I know he did," Sam kissed Dean's shoulder. "I think I know what we need to do."
"No, Sammy. I can't."
"Not that," Sam replied and rolled Dean onto his back. "Do you love me?"
"You know I love you."
"Do you trust me?"
"I do."
"Just trust me here, Dean. It might get scary, but just trust me."
Dean slowly nodded.
"Roll onto your stomach."
Dean did as told. Sam started to rub Dean's muscles and he felt him relax. After awhile, Sam put a pillow under Dean's hips. He continued to give Dean sloppy kisses when Dean turned his head to the side and rubbed Dean's back.
"Now you need to trust me."
"What?" Dean was so relaxed that he was almost asleep.
"Shh. Just lie by me," Sam had slicked up his fingers and laid his body next to Dean's.
Sam touched Dean's crack with his prepared fingers and Dean's body jerked.
"I love you, Dean," Sam still had his face inches from Dean's. "I love you and it's always going to be that way."
Dean looked at him and nodded. "I trust you, Sammy."
Sam smiled at Dean. "Just close your eyes and relax, honey. There's nothing you need to do."
Dean closed his eyes and Sam kissed each eyelid before moving down the bed. Sam rambled on in a soothing voice, recalling memories, telling Dean why and how much he loved him. His voice was a constant as he nudged Dean's legs further apart, brought his finger to Dean's hole, and slid his fingers around it.
Dean made a small noise that sounded like permission to go further. Sam slid in a finger and met almost no resistance. Sam moved his finger slowly. When he applied pressure to the right spot, Dean shouted out his name.
"Are you feeling loved?" Sam asked as he covered them up and removed the pillow from underneath Dean.
"I love you, Sammy."
"I know, Dean. You just needed to recall how much I love you."
"Thanks for getting me over, you know."
"You're not over it, Dean. That's just the first part of making love. Once we've been together more, you will be over it. You'll be so well-loved that you'll remember nothing before me."
"Really?"
"Yep. That's just how it goes. It's my evil plan to remove any competition from your memory."
Dean ran his fingers through Sam's long hair. "You've never had any competition, Sammy. It's only you."
"I'm glad I did a little bit of research, Dean. It told me all I needed to know about our relationship."
"You researched sex?"
"No, I researched making love. It was more of how to make it more enjoyable instead of just the basics. You've always taught me what I needed to know. Since you were refusing to teach me this one thing, I figured there might be an issue. That's when I did the research. I wanted to replace the bad with good memories."
"You succeeded, Sammy. And, you can do research for us anytime. It might not be the way I got my information but that doesn't mean that it's the wrong way."
"What we were doing felt entirely right," Sam told Dean. "Maybe something we might want to do again?"
"Yeah. I think so. Sometime. Just not now."
They got comfortable and started to drifted off to sleep.