(no subject)
I think it's almost funny how much I base my own self-worth on the opinions and actions of others.
Almost funny if it didn't make me feel like such a worthless piece of shit.
The last few days my attempts at fun have failed terribly. My life is a meaningless time hole. I had a conversation last night about how money isn't everything in the world, but that's all I'm working towards right now, is money. "Fuck whether you're happy or not, as long as you have money you'll be OK."
I finally talked to my mom today about possibly getting on some kind of anti-anxiety / anti-depressant medication. I explained that soon I'd need to stop smoking pot (like two weeks!) to guarantee that in June when I'm looking for a job, and they drug test me, I'll be clean as a whistle. She understood that, then asked "Well if you know that's going to happen, what's the problem?" I explained to her how almost everyday, when I'm alone, usually in my car, I begin to think about my life. I'm on the right track (according to?) and making progress but it all feels so slow. I told her how I feel like nothing I'm doing makes me happy, how I am doubtful about finding happiness in this world, and that all the stress from school and trying to make all these incredibly important decisions about my future is turning me into a nervous wreck. Whether these decisions are really that big of a deal or not, it's beginning to just drive me nuts. So I smoke pot. It relaxes me. It makes those decisions seem far away and unimportant. I know that's not the right thing.
So this week I'm going to the doctor to get my asthma medication prescription, and hopefully can talk to him about some kind of meds. I really wish I was the kind of person who could just... not take anything. But honestly, I don't think driving my car into an 18 wheeler would feel very good.
Almost funny if it didn't make me feel like such a worthless piece of shit.
The last few days my attempts at fun have failed terribly. My life is a meaningless time hole. I had a conversation last night about how money isn't everything in the world, but that's all I'm working towards right now, is money. "Fuck whether you're happy or not, as long as you have money you'll be OK."
I finally talked to my mom today about possibly getting on some kind of anti-anxiety / anti-depressant medication. I explained that soon I'd need to stop smoking pot (like two weeks!) to guarantee that in June when I'm looking for a job, and they drug test me, I'll be clean as a whistle. She understood that, then asked "Well if you know that's going to happen, what's the problem?" I explained to her how almost everyday, when I'm alone, usually in my car, I begin to think about my life. I'm on the right track (according to?) and making progress but it all feels so slow. I told her how I feel like nothing I'm doing makes me happy, how I am doubtful about finding happiness in this world, and that all the stress from school and trying to make all these incredibly important decisions about my future is turning me into a nervous wreck. Whether these decisions are really that big of a deal or not, it's beginning to just drive me nuts. So I smoke pot. It relaxes me. It makes those decisions seem far away and unimportant. I know that's not the right thing.
So this week I'm going to the doctor to get my asthma medication prescription, and hopefully can talk to him about some kind of meds. I really wish I was the kind of person who could just... not take anything. But honestly, I don't think driving my car into an 18 wheeler would feel very good.