bored
DEAR BUD SELIG,
Your terrible game has reached a critical crossroads. I'm taking some valuable
time out of my valuable time to assist you in your time of need. Let's face
it: you can no longer compete with basketball, soccer or even Lady Gaga. The
hearts and minds of our children belong to a new age: Fueled by mountain dew
and video games. Religious zealots are making headlines everyday while your
ratings plummet, it is time for action!
Baseball has always been stale but I fear (god how i fear) that your game is
nearly obsolete. I am here to offer some sagely advice in your darkest hour.
With some minor adjustments I believe, together, we can make this game great!
I will outline some of my ideas in the coming days (and months) until we have
reached a new pinnacle in this sport. If you follow my direction I foresee
trumping the grandeur of even the roman gladiator matches in both blood lust
and spectacle.
1. Replace all of your color analysts (television and radio) with men in the
midst of failing marriages but invite them to talk about their problems live
on the air. I believe this new approach to calling baseball games will
generate the drama which is lacking on the field. I would perhaps even
consider staging live phone calls between these new analysts and their wives
and invite listeners to call in with possible guidance on their issues. can
you imagine it bud?
"Pitcher throws a strike! ...Listen I told you to stop running up our
credit-card bills you heartless skank"
WE KNOW DRAMA
2. Move to loosen a lot of the rules in baseball. For instance: if a guy tries
really hard to hit a home-run and he just can't do it that day, credit him
with one anyways. As your fans stew in the sweltering summer heat for 7
scoreless and agonizing innings they require satisfaction. As do I.
3. Loosen up on the whole steroid thing. People don't want to watch scrawny
southern people masquerading as athletes. Pump it up bud! Imagine a league
full of overgrown, incredible hulk-like freaks who can't control their
emotions. During the 8th inning you should also consider antagonizing the
freaks by bringing an estranged lover or child they may not know existed out
onto the field to confront the players. Watch the fireworks.
- with love
- mateo
- p.s. (next week: lasers, blindfold day and bring your pet to the stadium
day)
Your terrible game has reached a critical crossroads. I'm taking some valuable
time out of my valuable time to assist you in your time of need. Let's face
it: you can no longer compete with basketball, soccer or even Lady Gaga. The
hearts and minds of our children belong to a new age: Fueled by mountain dew
and video games. Religious zealots are making headlines everyday while your
ratings plummet, it is time for action!
Baseball has always been stale but I fear (god how i fear) that your game is
nearly obsolete. I am here to offer some sagely advice in your darkest hour.
With some minor adjustments I believe, together, we can make this game great!
I will outline some of my ideas in the coming days (and months) until we have
reached a new pinnacle in this sport. If you follow my direction I foresee
trumping the grandeur of even the roman gladiator matches in both blood lust
and spectacle.
1. Replace all of your color analysts (television and radio) with men in the
midst of failing marriages but invite them to talk about their problems live
on the air. I believe this new approach to calling baseball games will
generate the drama which is lacking on the field. I would perhaps even
consider staging live phone calls between these new analysts and their wives
and invite listeners to call in with possible guidance on their issues. can
you imagine it bud?
"Pitcher throws a strike! ...Listen I told you to stop running up our
credit-card bills you heartless skank"
WE KNOW DRAMA
2. Move to loosen a lot of the rules in baseball. For instance: if a guy tries
really hard to hit a home-run and he just can't do it that day, credit him
with one anyways. As your fans stew in the sweltering summer heat for 7
scoreless and agonizing innings they require satisfaction. As do I.
3. Loosen up on the whole steroid thing. People don't want to watch scrawny
southern people masquerading as athletes. Pump it up bud! Imagine a league
full of overgrown, incredible hulk-like freaks who can't control their
emotions. During the 8th inning you should also consider antagonizing the
freaks by bringing an estranged lover or child they may not know existed out
onto the field to confront the players. Watch the fireworks.
- with love
- mateo
- p.s. (next week: lasers, blindfold day and bring your pet to the stadium
day)