[PRIVATE]
It's over.
It feels so strange, nothing and everything at the same time. It's the comedown, it's the wind up. It's like flying or drowning or something. it's odd.
She came on her own. I was hoping Thomas would be there, and he was supposed to be there. She left him at their hotel, she came around to tell me she loved me. I dont know what I really think right now. She thought I wanted her, she's been married how long? They're on their honeymoon and she fully expected me to fall apart and love her the way I promised.
I would have, too. i still dont really know why i didn't- but it was the strangest feeling, turning her down.
I threw away something I spent so fucking long wanting and it feels... brilliant. She wanted me, she all but said goodbye to Thomas and I was so so so close to telling him the truth, all burning anger and pity and a thousand other things that HAVE to be guilt - surely, I was talking to him and everything and then I never said it. I was so intent to destroy her - intent to destroy and punish myself really, that I was going to destroy him. She loves him. I know she does - and he loves her, but they're his mistakes to make. They've always been like this. As much as I treasure Thom's friendship, as much as i treasure the friendship i had with both of them, especially her - i have to leave them to themselves. I can't think on it anymore. I realised that yesterday when i slammed the door in her face. I dont need her, and I realised when I didn't tell Thom what we did that I dont need to be involved anymore. I'm leaving them to each other. He should know who he's married, after so long together he must. I dont need to cause unnecessary harm. I dont - i just cant do anything. So I wont.
I loved her, I loved her so much it ached some days, all moping and pathetic and it was the best feeling in the world slamming a door in her face. That has got to be backwards. Somehow it's not right - but I know what was real. I know what i felt before was real, i know I loved her and I know I dont now.
I dont know where I stand now. I dont know who I want. I know I'm me but who 'me' is I have yet to discover. it's like being a teenager again and it's strangely glorious. I'm excited and I'm terrified.
Mel's here, she was here yesterday when Lisa came and she took one look and knew everything. i wish I could look at myself once and know everything too. She found Lisa's portrait earlier.
I've kept it, like I've kept absolutely every single one of my works. I spent that long on it it's as much a part of me as it is her. I've kept it for a million different reasons but I havent looked at it since I left Australia.
I'm going to sell it.
I dont want it.
I dont need it.
It's gone as soon as it can be.
it's brilliant.
It feels so strange, nothing and everything at the same time. It's the comedown, it's the wind up. It's like flying or drowning or something. it's odd.
She came on her own. I was hoping Thomas would be there, and he was supposed to be there. She left him at their hotel, she came around to tell me she loved me. I dont know what I really think right now. She thought I wanted her, she's been married how long? They're on their honeymoon and she fully expected me to fall apart and love her the way I promised.
I would have, too. i still dont really know why i didn't- but it was the strangest feeling, turning her down.
I threw away something I spent so fucking long wanting and it feels... brilliant. She wanted me, she all but said goodbye to Thomas and I was so so so close to telling him the truth, all burning anger and pity and a thousand other things that HAVE to be guilt - surely, I was talking to him and everything and then I never said it. I was so intent to destroy her - intent to destroy and punish myself really, that I was going to destroy him. She loves him. I know she does - and he loves her, but they're his mistakes to make. They've always been like this. As much as I treasure Thom's friendship, as much as i treasure the friendship i had with both of them, especially her - i have to leave them to themselves. I can't think on it anymore. I realised that yesterday when i slammed the door in her face. I dont need her, and I realised when I didn't tell Thom what we did that I dont need to be involved anymore. I'm leaving them to each other. He should know who he's married, after so long together he must. I dont need to cause unnecessary harm. I dont - i just cant do anything. So I wont.
I loved her, I loved her so much it ached some days, all moping and pathetic and it was the best feeling in the world slamming a door in her face. That has got to be backwards. Somehow it's not right - but I know what was real. I know what i felt before was real, i know I loved her and I know I dont now.
I dont know where I stand now. I dont know who I want. I know I'm me but who 'me' is I have yet to discover. it's like being a teenager again and it's strangely glorious. I'm excited and I'm terrified.
Mel's here, she was here yesterday when Lisa came and she took one look and knew everything. i wish I could look at myself once and know everything too. She found Lisa's portrait earlier.
I've kept it, like I've kept absolutely every single one of my works. I spent that long on it it's as much a part of me as it is her. I've kept it for a million different reasons but I havent looked at it since I left Australia.
I'm going to sell it.
I dont want it.
I dont need it.
It's gone as soon as it can be.
it's brilliant.